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Edited by WitheredApricot:
7/17/2019 5:35:48 PM
6
Gunslingers Chapter 1: The Man
Table Of Contents: https://www.bungie.net/en/Forums/Post/252852415
The trees branches remained motionless in the cold forest. The snow on the ground crunched as a figure walked towards his camp. He sat on a rock next the burning wood. The man removed his hood and took of his helmet revealing black hair and blue eyes.
He sighed and looked up to through the canopy of snow covered branches. He closed his eyes and rested his head against the rock behind him.
The noise of a twig snapping echoed through the forest.
The man snapped to attention and pulled his revolver out of his holster. He pulled back the hammer. His blue eyes scanned the woods. He saw a dark shadow walking towards him.
“Who’s there.” He demanded in his young voice. The shadow stopped and looked up at him. It seemed like for hours they stared at each other. The wind whistled through the forest. His cloak fluttered in the breeze.
“I said, WHOS THERE.” He demanded again his voice louder. He tightened his grip on his revolver and readied it.
The shadow raised its arms. It’s four arms...
The man aimed the revolver at the creature of darkness and pulled the trigger. The hammer slammed against the bullet in the chamber and it fired into its skull.
The creature recoiled and stumbled backwards as it fell into the snow it’s wound turning the snow scarlet.
The Man walked towards the corpse and looked at it. It was a Fallen Vandal.
“Good.” The man stated to himself. He turned back to his fire and walked towards it. He holstered his revolver and relaxed.
Suddenly something heavy jumped on him. The man fell on his face into the snow. It then punched right into his kidneys.
“GAH!” He screamed. He jumped up and pushed it off of him into a tree. Snow showered down and covered both of them. He tackled the creature. He grabbed its waist and pushed it to the ground
He punched it over and over again. The creature caught his arms and threw him over into a rock. He pushed himself up into a standing position.
He reached for his gun but so did the vandal. In a second they had their guns pointed at each others heads.
The man thought for a second. “[i]If the creature still has three arms to use and I have one. I’m easily outnumbered. Unless...[/i]”
The man pushed away the creatures gun and swept it off its feet. The man riddled the creature with bullets. He looked at its body for a few seconds to make sure it was dead.
“Don’t mess with Chris.” He stated.
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4 Replies[quote]The trees branches remained motionless in the cold forest. [/quote] Already. Already with the typos. Not one paragraph in and we’re missing apostrophes. [quote]The snow on the ground crunched as a figure walked towards his camp. He sat on a rock next the burning wood. The man removed his hood and took of his helmet [/quote] “The guy walked over. He sat down. He stood up. He shot a guy.” Can we please, [i]please[/i] get any kind of actual imagery going on? [quote]revealing black hair and blue eyes.[/quote] of course [quote]“Who’s there.”[/quote] lord have mercy [quote]He demanded in his young voice.[/quote] oh lord [quote]“I said, WHOS THERE.”[/quote] [b]oh lord[/b] [quote]its skull[/quote] Okay, we’re getting there. [quote]it’s wound[/quote] And I thought we were making progress. [quote]Suddenly something heavy jumped on him. [/quote] “uwu” [quote]He pushed himself up into a standing position.[/quote] Personally, I like sitting down in a sitting position. [quote]The man thought for a second. “[i]If the creature still has three arms to use and I have one.[/i]”[/quote] The man thinks in dependent clauses, I guess. [quote]The man pushed away the creatures gun and swept it off its feet. The man riddled the creature with bullets. He looked at its body for a few seconds to make sure it was dead.[/quote] What riveting action. [quote]“Don’t mess with Chris.” He stated.[/quote] And then Chris was a demon.
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Great
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1 ReplyEdited by FdYAcsoyPKN83gLE: 7/17/2019 8:57:33 PMIf Pepsiman ever finds you, use Mentos, or else he turns your dog, wife, and children into Pepsi.
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3 RepliesEdited by Grays_KS27: 7/17/2019 6:05:23 PM[quote]“Don’t mess with Chris.” He stated.[/quote] Lol, Chris does one-liners and refers to himself in the third person! Great job, and a good start to the series! Foxburton99 took the words right out of my mouth, and gave some excellent advice. I look forward to reading more!
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2 RepliesBump Nice action-packed opening. Can’t wait for the plot to develop [spoiler]Got some constructive criticism for you: keep an eye out for where to put commas; it can help to say the sentence out loud to hear where the natural pauses are. Also, be careful not to start too many sentences with the same word. Many of yours started with “he” and “the”, and it can cause your sentences to feel broken apart from each other. This is a very common and hard to fix grammatical problem so don’t sweat it too much. I’m excited to see where your series goes and how your writing will improve throughout its duration :)[/spoiler]
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1 Reply[quote]The trees branches remained motionless in the cold forest. The snow on the ground crunched as a figure walked towards his camp. He sat on a rock next the burning wood. The man removed his hood and took of his helmet revealing black hair and blue eyes. He sighed and looked up to through the canopy of snow covered branches. He closed his eyes and rested his head against the rock behind him. The noise of a twig snapping echoed through the forest. The man snapped to attention and pulled his revolver out of his holster. He pulled back the hammer. His blue eyes scanned the woods. He saw a dark shadow walking towards him. “Who’s there.” He demanded in his young voice. The shadow stopped and looked up at him. It seemed like for hours they stared at each other. The wind whistled through the forest. His cloak fluttered in the breeze. “I said, WHOS THERE.” He demanded again his voice louder. He tightened his grip on his revolver and readied it. The shadow raised its arms. It’s four arms... The man aimed the revolver at the creature of darkness and pulled the trigger. The hammer slammed against the bullet in the chamber and it fired into its skull. The creature recoiled and stumbled backwards as it fell into the snow it’s wound turning the snow scarlet. The Man walked towards the corpse and looked at it. It was a Fallen Vandal. “Good.” The man stated to himself. He turned back to his fire and walked towards it. He holstered his revolver and relaxed. Suddenly something heavy jumped on him. The man fell on his face into the snow. It then punched right into his kidneys. “GAH!” He screamed. He jumped up and pushed it off of him into a tree. Snow showered down and covered both of them. He tackled the creature. He grabbed its waist and pushed it to the ground He punched it over and over again. The creature caught his arms and threw him over into a rock. He pushed himself up into a standing position. He reached for his gun but so did the vandal. In a second they had their guns pointed at each others heads. The man thought for a second. “[i]If the creature still has three arms to use and I have one. I’m easily outnumbered. Unless...[/i]” The man pushed away the creatures gun and swept it off its feet. The man riddled the creature with bullets. “That’s you don’t mess with Chris.” He said as he limped towards his fire.[/quote]
