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Edited by Ringwraith77: 4/18/2019 6:36:00 AM

How I First Came To Off-topic

The following is an account of how I met your Off-topic: *** So I had just broken up with my girlfriend, she was everything man, the whole deal: brains, brawn, the looks, the eyes...the...the...I'm going to stop before I cry in public. I was sitting at a restaurant and had just finished telling the waiter my sob story and how I'll never get a girl like her again when I felt a tap on my shoulder. "Psst." Came a loud sound in my ear. I turned to see who would dare interrupt the story of my life with a "psst". " What..? " I asked him, turning to see a man with short combed hair and dark glasses. "Heard you were having, ahem, "lady" problems." I looked at the man dumbly for a moment. Who was this guy to be giving me love advice at a time like this? "And I guess you have all the answers, mr..?" "Oh, good goodness no, I'm just terribly excellent at screwing things up so often that to reverse reverse the negativityness.." As he spoke he took off his glasses. Somehow, those glasses had hidden his face so well that I had not recognized the face of Nathan Fillion himself. "And I just so happen to be one with the ladies when the occasion demands." "Nathan Fillion...what are you doing here..? " He made a face and said in a very not serious tone, "What? Can't a guy but a sandwich nowadays. Unless you think I'm some sort of god or something that's above the mortal trappings of a good greasy burger and fries." He laughed the comments off as he pulled me up by the shoulder. As he pulled me along I found myself with surprisingly little to say. He took me to a bar not so far from where I had been eating and pointed out a couple of girls. "Okay," he said as he turned his pointer to me. " So listen closely, we're going on the offensive and in the likely case that we don't make it out of here, I just want you to know, you were a good man. " He patted me on the shoulder and started walking towards the women. "Alright?" "...Alright? " "Alright!" I followed Fillion towards the bar, not sure if this was a good idea or not, but I'd never done anything like this before so how should I know? Before sitting next to the first lady, Fillion turned and mouthed the words "wish me luck". I nodded in affirmation as Nathan confidently said to the lady: "Hey, girl." She looked over and I started to take notes, maybe this would work after all... "I have all the materials we need to make Muppets of each other." It was at that moment that cold terror gripped me, we were both of us doomed, and everyone would blame me for the death of Capt Mal, and Castle, and Cayde, and Officer Nolan, and whoever he played in Buffy the vampire slayer, ahem, Caleb. A split second later he turned to me with a slap mark on his face and crinkled brows. "Hm." He opened his mouth to say something , stopped, opened again and raised his forefinger, then shut his mouth again. At last he said, "you're turn!" And pushed me up next to the second lady. She looked at me expectantly. "I know Nathan Fillion." It was the only saving grace I had. "He's, uh, actually here with me right now." She looked surprised and asked if she could meet him. I turned around to point out the actor when I found that Nathan had disappeared. I looked around the room in vain, seeing only his failed date roaming the room angrily, probably wanting to kill him. "Eh, heh..." *** I walked out of the bar with what little dignity I had left that day, utterly bemused and disgraced. I saw Nathan Fillion make b-line straight for me and when he caught up he looked mortified. "Whoo....that did not go as we had planned..." "No, " I said. "I don't think it did." "You know, I may just know a way to make you feel better, maybe." I looked over. "Yeah?" "Video Games, and a whole other dimension..!" I looked at him strangely for a minute. "See, there's this game that's really great, and it may or may not be because I'm in it. But, if it were, then I'd be recommending you play it.'s the thing. They killed me." "They what!?" "Yes," he said somberly . "Sudden and yet inevitable betrayal. I was in two of their games...they sold the one, still in the series but Bungie doesn't own me anymore... and killed me in another! Such sweet sorrow..." "That's terrible." "Seriously! But there's one place left there that is still cool and follows what I would ask of the people called Bungie." "What is this place?" "The Flo---I mean Off-topic. They're rowdy, nasty, free, a bit psychotic, and boy do they aim to misbehave!" "How can I get there? " I asked. "Real life holds nothing for me anymore!" He put a copy of Density in my hands and looked at me seriously. "You have to go through this. Now I know it looks bad, and maybe it is, but who knows, maybe at the other end is pot of gold, and maybe, just maybe, I'll be there watching." "You visit the land of Off-topic?" "Pssh! Of course! I have to use an alt these days after they banned me...they don't want me there..." He whispered the last phrase. "I'll do it!" "Alright!" He smiled and handed me a game controller. "Alright." "One more thing. If you see a user with the name [Redacted], that's me, okay?" I looked at the disc in my hands and wondered what horrors might be inside, but what ever they were, it must be worth the prize of such a holy land. "Thank you, Nathan, this changes everything." "It does, buddy, it does. " He turned to walk away but then seemingly remembered something and swiftly turned around. "I almost forgot to give you this." In his hand was a bag filled with Molasses Cookies. "Um, thank you...I think." "Of course! You'll understand soon enough." I took a bite of the cookie as I watched the great man walk away. As he went, I too walked away. Away from reality and towards a new land, "this" land. And the cookie? The cookie tasted like freedom.

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