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Discuss all things Destiny 2.
Edited by JustCallMeFluff: 7/25/2018 11:57:03 PM
20

Viribus 1. A Destiny Story. Chapter 1 "The Burning City/L5"

I'm currently writing an ongoing series in the Destiny Universe where my guardian isn't the one who defeated Oryx, Crota, Atheon, The Black Garden, etc... yours is. If you haven't read the prologue i suggest you start there. [b][u]Prologue[/u][/b] https://www.bungie.net/en/Forum/Post/247069550/0/0 [b][u]CHAPTER 1 “ The Burning City/L5"[/b][/u] “ What could the Guardian possibly want with us that he is incapable of doing himself?” Much to the dismay of Dairo, the Exo had not stopped asking questions since they returned on board. She was now beginning the procedure to start up her ship which was a Dusk Harrier Class A Model. If there was one thing she enjoyed as much as clearing the wilds of creatures from the Darkness, it was flying into the depths of space. Sometines she wondered who were the first to travel in to Space. Laira-2 already knew Qiao, Hardy, and Mihaylova were the first to meet the Traveler. But who were the first to travel into space before the Golden Age? What went through their mind when they left the safety and comfort of Earth? “ I don't know Laira, but Ikora said it was urgent. She wanted me to gather the rest of Viribus 1 so we could all be briefed together. Of course, Oli had a run in with the LCSF and is currently detained. You on the other hand had gone dark. Finally was able to track you down and, well… here I am”. Laira-2 pulled the lever down to release the anchor clamps and flipped the main thruster switch. She felt the hum beneath her feet as the ship began to rise into the air. Of course Oli had gotten in trouble with the Last City Security Force again. That Titan is usually either in jail or in the crucible. Laira-2 was unsure if he would ever learn. “Ghost, set auto pilot for the tower. No scenic routes this time either. “ She turned around and climbed back behind the pilots seat through the short corridor leading to the main cabin. To her right was a few storage lockers. The guardian removed her Stillpiercer off her back and leaned it against the locker. Dairo was directly in front of her sitting comfortably along the bench. To her left were the weapon and armor lockers along with a small modding station. There was a small hatch that led down towards the engine. She usually didn’t go down there since it was a such a tight fit. “This guardian has taken out gods Dairo. Literal Gods. Oli was part of the raid team that took down Crota-" “Yeah, he will never let us forget it.” Dairo added. “ As I was saying, Oli was part of the raid team that brought down Crota and avenged the thousands of slain guardians on the moon, and even he was impressed and in awe with what the Guardian did. “ Dairo just shrugged. She couldn’t blame Oli though. This Guardian was a living legend. Oryx. Crota. Atheon. Calus. Aksis. The Black Garden. Xol. Literally every big bad that had threatened the universe, the guardian had been a part of and shut down. Laira-2 had never met the Guardian before. All she knew was that he was accomplished and that he didn’t talk much. She felt a little bit of anxiousness. “Well, we have a few hours before we reach the city. I’m going to catch some rest for a little bit if that’s okay with you Dairo.” “ For you anything.” Dairo said with a wink as he hopped off the bench and made his way to the cockpit. Laira-2 ignored the obnoxious warlock and sat against the cold hard steel bench as she removed her boots. The question still hung their in her head. What did the Guardian and Vanguard want with Viribus 1? Why was it so urgent that Dairo needed to come out to the Forbidden zone to find her? So many questions. Her head raced with possible answers as her eyes shut and she drifted off to sleep.. +++ [i] Laira-2's shields flickered and then burned out. She fired blindly at the approaching horde as she took cover behind a pile of debris next to a crumbled building. Her heart was racing. An explosion went off to her left as she shielded herself from the blast and was tossed to the side like a rag doll. She was covered in smut, rock, and rubble. She heard nothing but a small ringing that gradually started increasing in sound as she tried to make sense of what just happened.. Then there was screaming. The building she was a few feet away from before was now in flames. The screams. They were coming from inside the structure. She began pushing herself up when a centurion came over her. The Cabal warrior looked down upon the injured Guardian. With as much strength as she could muster she reached for her handcannom that was just slightly out of reach. The centurion looked at her, then the hand cannon, and placed all of its weight on the Hunters arm, practically crushing it from the immense pressure. Laira-2 cried out in pain and rolled on her back. She looked up towards the last city. Buildings as far as they eye could see were ablaze. The bodies of guardians, civilians, and defense bots alike were scattered through the streets. The sky was a blood orange with city ships, cabal ships, and civilian transports flying through the smoke. And the Traveler… the Traveler had an immense attachment on it. She looked back to the Cabal and stared down the barrel off the aliens projection rifle. Suddenly the Centurion was hit with what almost looked like a bolt of lightning. The 1,200 lb creature was knocked to the side, rage and confusion washed over it as it looked upon its attacker. Laira-2 looked up to the Titan who was wearing the ceremonial armor as she was. It was Leiand-5. Her best friend and the only other Exo she got a long with. He had come just in time. He had no weapons, his armor was in tatters, but as all Guardians know. A Titan is a weapon himself. The Cabal Roared and produced its gauntlet blade. Behind it 2 other Legionaries rounded the corner and joined their commander. The Titan suddenly flashed and erupted in a ball of light. When the flash subsided Leiand -5 was covered in electricity. Jumps of current and Lightning surrounded the Titan. He paced a few steps then ran straight for the Cabal. Laira-2 knew that the cabal were no match for the striker. She picked herself up and began walking towards her hand cannon as her shield began to slowly recharge. “ Something's wrong” warned her ghost. Then suddenly. He was silent. The hunter felt it immediately. Her ghost dropped to the floor next to where she had just fallen to her knees. She felt weak, as if her soul had been ripped from her body. She was confused. What happened? She turned to her comrade and was at a loss for words at what she saw. The once invincible Titan was now helpless a mere 2 feet from the Cabal warriors. He was on his arms and knees reaching for his ghost. The Legionnaire placed its entire foot on the ghost and crushed it instantly. The Titan winced then looked up at the Centurion in front of him. The Centurion grabbed the fallen Titan by the neck and lifted him in the air. The titan punched and kicked at the cabals massive arm but each blow made no difference. Laira-2 looked in horror as the cabal turned the Titan to face her. She looked upon her friend.. her brother. Even in the grimmest moments the Titan looked brave and steady. The cabal grabbed the top of the exos head and ripped it straight off the shoulders and tossed the pieces to opposite sides. “NOOOOO!!!” Laira-2 rolled to her right and grabbed the Last Word . The legionnaires took aim with their slug rifles. But with adrenaline or perhaps luck the Exo fired two shots in succession Before they could fire and fell headless to the ground. She pulled the trigger at the last centurion who was still standing in the same place as before. -click- Empty. The Cabal marched towards her and grabbed her by her crippled arm. It looked at her with disgust and for the first time since she was brought back to life, the Cabal looked at her as unworthy. It drew its Gauntlet blade and readied to cut her in half. But the Hunter was quick. She kicked the Cabal with as much force as she could conjure and knocked him back a couple inches. Freeing herself from its grasp. Immediately she rolled towards the Cabal, grabbed her throwing knife from her thigh, and pushed it up through the bottom of its jaw. It let out a cry in pain. A gurgle. And then fell to the ground. Dead. She collapsed. Her energy was gone. She looked at the titans body, then to the shattered remains of his ghost, to the burning city, then lastly to the traveler. She felt helpless. She felt scared. And she felt angry. Is this how they felt during the great collapse? Defeated? No. She will not be defeated. She was a survivor. She was a hunter. She was a guardian. And she would get her vengeance. It may not be today, or tomorrow, or next year. But the Cabal would pay for what they had done and she would make their leader pay. Or she would kill as many Cabal as she could trying. She turned towards the exit of the city. She picked up her ghost. And she walked. Today was not the day, but the day would come. [/i] +++ “ Laira. LAIRA. Wake up. We're here. “ Laira-2 woke up. She didn’t sweat but she didn’t have to. As many times as she relived that moment she always felt the same way. Dairo was shaking her shoulder. She glanced down at her forearm. What once was smooth matching metal was now a rusted replaced carbon fiber. Etched into the component was L5. She traced her finger along the initials. She hadn't forgotten. “ Laira. Laira are you okay?” the warlock asked, obviously confused by her demeanor. “I'm fine Dairo. Lets go find Oli. We have work to do.” [b]END CHAPTER 1[/b] Quick Shoutout to Clone148 for helping me with editing!

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  • Reading this just made me pine for Last Word to come back in D2 Longing bumpity

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  • Does the vanguard know about the leviathan raids?

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    • Hey when do you think the next chapter will come out?? Can’t wait for more! Bump!

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      • Good work mate. Looking forward to more and finding out where you're taking us in this story.

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      • So dope dude. Only bad part was it ending and I didn't have more to read! Keep it up

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        • I'll wait for the audio book

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          • Edited by Clone148: 7/26/2018 2:53:22 AM
            Pt2 [spoiler] “With as much strength as she could muster she reached for her handcannom that was just slightly out of reach. The centurion looked at her, then the hand cannon, and placed all of its weight on the Hunters arm, practically crushing it from the immense pressure”. “With as much strength as she could muster she reached for her handcannom that was just out of reach. The centurion looked at her, then to the hand cannon, and placed all of its weight on the Hunters arm, practically crushing it from the immense pressure.” (Cutting only a few unnecessary words) ------ “Laira-2 cried out in pain and rolled on her back. She looked up towards the last city. Buildings as far as they eye could see were ablaze. The bodies of guardians, civilians, and defense bots alike were scattered through the streets. The sky was a blood orange with city ships, cabal ships, and civilian transports flying through the smoke. And the Traveler… the Traveler had an immense attachment on it. She looked back to the Cabal and stared down the barrel off the aliens projection rifle.” “Laira-2 cried out in pain as she rolled on her back. She looked up towards the last city, buildings as far as they eye could see were set ablaze. The bodies of guardians, civilians, and frames alike were scattered through the streets. The sky was a blood orange, an arena where the city fleet met the cabal war ships in defense of evacuating civilian transports as they fly through the smoke and ash that decorate the open air. And the Traveler… the Traveler had an immense attachment on it. She looked back to the Cabal and stared down the barrel off the aliens projection rifle.” (Just some tweaks and a little fluff) ------ “Laira-2 looked up to the Titan who was wearing the ceremonial armor as she was. It was Leiand-5. Her best friend and the only other Exo she got a long with. He had come just in time. He had no weapons, his armor was in tatters, but as all Guardians know. A Titan is a weapon himself.” “Laira-2 looked up to the Titan who now stood before her. He was dressed in ceremonial armor just as she was. It was Leiand-5. Her best friend and the only other Exo she got a long with. He had come just in time. His armor was in tatters, and he bore no weapon. But as all Guardians know, a Titan needs no weapon. The Titan is the weapon.” (Just a minor rewording) ------ “When the flash subsided Leiand -5 was covered in electricity. Jumps of current and Lightning surrounded the Titan.” “When the flash subsided Leiand -5 was covered in electricity. Arcs of current and Lightning danced off the Titan like drops of rain in a storm.” (Just a little fluff) ------ “Then suddenly. He was silent.” “Then suddenly, he was silent.” (You don’t need to break up this sentence, it’s short enough and still the same subject that breaking it up makes it kind of awkward.) ------ “Her ghost dropped to the floor next to where she had just fallen to her knees.” “She dropped to her knees, too exhausted to support her own weight. In the same moment her ghost fell to the floor beside her.” (Tweak to how it reads) ------ “The once invincible Titan was now helpless a mere 2 feet from the Cabal warriors. He was on his arms and knees reaching for his ghost. The Legionnaire placed its entire foot on the ghost and crushed it instantly. The Titan winced then looked up at the Centurion in front of him. The Centurion grabbed the fallen Titan by the neck and lifted him in the air.” “The once invincible Titan was now helpless, not two feet from the Cabal warriors. He was on his (hands) and knees, reaching for his ghost. The Legionnaire placed its boot upon the little light, crushing it instantly. The Titan winced as his companion cracked under the weight. He looked up at the Centurion in front of him as it grabbed him by the neck and lifted him in the air.” (Some tweaks to make sure the flow is good and that it reads well.) ------ “But with adrenaline or perhaps luck the Exo fired two shots in succession Before they could fire and fell headless to the ground. She pulled the trigger at the last centurion who was still standing in the same place as before.” “But with adrenaline or perhaps even luck, the Exo managed to fired two shots in succession. Before the Cabal could get their fingers on the trigger, they fell headless to the ground. She pulled the trigger at the last centurion who stood unmoved.” (Just a comma punctuation fix and a little tweak) ------ “The Cabal marched towards her and grabbed her by her crippled arm.” “The Cabal marched forward and grabbed her by her crippled arm.” (Quick tweak) ------ “She kicked the Cabal with as much force as she could conjure and knocked him back a couple inches. Freeing herself from its grasp. Immediately she rolled towards the Cabal, grabbed her throwing knife from her thigh, and pushed it up through the bottom of its jaw. It let out a cry in pain. A gurgle. And then fell to the ground.” “She kicked the Cabal with as much force as she could conjure and knocked him back only a couple inches, but a couple inches was enough. Freeing herself from its grasp, the Hunter immediately rolled to the side of the Cabal, narrowly missing it’s belligerent slash at her. Clearing what little space that remained between them, Laira-2 grabbed her throwing knife from her thigh and drove it through the bottom of the Cabal’s bloated neck with all her weight. It let out a cry of pain. A feeble gurgle, before falling to the ground.” (Just adding a little more meat to the story.) ------ “Is this how they felt during the great collapse? Defeated?” “Is this how they felt during the great collapse? Defeated? Left with nothing but sorrow and anguish?” (Just a bit more fluff) ------ It may not be today, or tomorrow, or next year. But the Cabal would pay for what they had done and she would make their leader pay. Or she would kill as many Cabal as she could trying. “It may not be today, or tomorrow, or even a year from now, but the Cabal would pay for what they had done, and she would make their leader wish he never even thought of coming to Earth. Or she would kill as many Cabal as she could trying.” (Just a minor tweak) ------ “Today was not the day, but the day would come.” “Today was not the day, but the day would come. So help her, she would see it done.” (Hey, look at that, even more fluff) ------ You still seem to have a few of the same habits, but they seem much more few and far between. The only big thing that you still need to iron out is your flow and if your work reads well, which is something that can be hard to get down. A sure way to improve is to keep practicing your writing and to read different authors to see writing on a professional level and take note of their tendencies and methods for writing.[/spoiler]

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            • Edited by Clone148: 7/25/2018 11:25:49 PM
              Really good chapter, good character development for Laira. [spoiler] “ What can the Guardian possibly want with us that he is incapable of doing himself?” “What could the Guardian possibly want with us? What can we do that he couldn’t do himself?” Breaking this up into two questions emphasizes the fact that she’s asking a lot of questions. It might seem like a minor change, but it can really set a feeling for the reader. ------ “The Exo had not stopped asking questions since they returned on board much to the dismay of Dairo. “ “The Exo had not stopped asking questions since they returned on board, much to the dismay of Dairo. “ Just a punctuation fix, commas split us the different subjects in a sentence. ------ “She was now beginning the procedure to start up her ship which was a Dusk Harrier Class A Model. If there was one thing she enjoyed as much as clearing the wilds of creatures from the Darkness, it was flying into the depths of space.” “She began the start up procedure for her ship, a Dusk Harrier Class A Model. The purr of it’s engine, the push of it’s throttle, the humming of the nav core, all a symphony to her ears. It was exhilarating. If there was one thing she enjoyed as much as clearing the wilds of it’s creatures, it was flying into the depths of space. When writing third person, try to write the person’s action, don’t say what they’re doing. (“Was now beginning” vs “began”) It’s a little tricky to get right, but once you do it’s like second nature. Also, when you’re adding to a character likes or dislikes, don’t just say it. Make the reader really understand why they like this thing or hate that thing (unless you’re keeping their love/hate of a certain thing secret for a reveal, like the season why someone hates the Fallen so much is because their family was taken away by dregs. Which if you do something like that, make it an obstacle to get over, not a hang up that makes your character one note.) You probably don’t need the Creatures of the Darkness as a descriptor, most readers should already pick up on who you’re talking about, but it doesn’t mess up the flow that badly so you could keep it if you’re going for a certain tone. ------ “Sometines she wondered who were the first to travel in to Space. Laira-2 already knew Qiao, Hardy, and Mihaylova were the first to meet the Traveler. But who were the first to travel into space before the Golden Age? What went through their mind when they left the safety and comfort of Earth?” “Sometimes she wondered who the first to travel into Space were. Laira-2 already knew of the Aries One crew, heard stories of the old personal logs pulled from Cosmodrome storage drives. The journey of Qiao, Hardy, and Mihaylova and their contact with the Traveler. But who were the first to travel into space before the Golden Age? What went through their mind as they left the safety and comfort of their Home? When they turned back and saw Earth from so far away?” (Just some basic rewording and a little lore fluff to saturate the story and Laira’s curiosity) ------ “ I don't know Laira, but Ikora said it was urgent. She wanted me to gather the rest of Viribus 1 so we could all be briefed together. Of course, Oli had a run in with the LCSF and is currently detained. You on the other hand had gone dark. Finally was able to track you down and, well… here I am”. “ I don't know Laira, but Ikora said it was urgent, and when a Warlock like her tells you to hurry, you hurry. She wanted me to gather the rest of Viribus 1 so we could be briefed together. I tried Oli first, but of course, he had to have a run in with the LCSF again. He’s currently detained in the outer district. I thought finding you would have been less work, but you went dark. Finally was able to track you down and, well… here I am”. (Not sure if I got Dairo’s character right, but he doesn’t seem to be all to serious, as some Warlocks tend to be. If not, then ignore that add in at the beginning, but dialog is a great tool for character explanation) ------ "Laira-2 pulled the lever down to release the anchor clamps and flipped the main thruster switch. She felt the hum beneath her feet as the ship began to rise into the air. Of course Oli had gotten in trouble with the Last City Security Force again. That Titan is usually either in jail or in the crucible. Laira-2 was unsure if he would ever learn." “Laira-2 pulled the lever down, releasing the anchor clamps, and flipped the main thruster switch. She felt the hum beneath her feet as the ship began to rise. (This should be the end of the paragraph) As the two took off, the Exo couldn’t help but fell the slightest bit frustrated with her Human friend. Of course Oli had gotten in trouble with the Last City Security Force. That Titan is either in jail or in the crucible. She didn’t know if he’d ever learn from his mistakes.” Again, just be mindful your writing. Making sure its their actions and not just what they’re doing. Paragraphs can be a bit tricky with how they’re spaced out, but they’re like sentences. Sentences end when the subject ends, but paragraphs end when the topic changes. So a shift from the ship to Oli’s arrest. ------ “She usually didn’t go down there since it was a such a tight fit.” “She usually didn’t go down there since it was a such a tight fit. Leave the crawl spaces for the Ghost, she’d always say.” This might not grasp Laira-2’s character exactly, but one off remarks can also be a good tool for fleshing out a character’s personality. Don’t use it all the time or try to shoehorn them into every paragraph, but when the opportunity is right, it can be a fun little addition. ------ “This guardian has taken out gods Dairo. Literal Gods. Oli was part of the raid team that took down Crota-" “Yeah, he will never let us forget it.” Dairo added. “ As I was saying, Oli was part of the raid team that brought down Crota and avenged the thousands of slain guardians on the moon, and even he was impressed and in awe with what the Guardian did. “ Dairo just shrugged. She couldn’t blame Oli though." -- “This guardian has taken out gods Dairo. Literal Gods. Oli was part of the raid team that took down Crota-" “That took down Crota. Yeah, I know. Like he’d ever let us forget it. You know I was almost apart of the Raid on the Vault of Glass? The Guardian came to me offering a position, but I turned him down. Every ray of my Light told me it was suicidal to go in there. Not that numbskull, though. I doubt there’s a suicide mission he wouldn’t try to headbutt.” Dairo added. “…As I was saying, Oli was part of the raid team that brought down Crota and avenged the thousands of guardians he’s slain, and even he was impressed and in awe with what the Guardian did. “ Dairo just huffed, leaning back on the bench. She couldn’t blame Oli for being awestruck though. (Jsut some rewording and adding some past to Dairo. It might not be the way you want to take him, but this is a good opportunity for a little exposition. ------ “ For you anything.” Dairo said with a wink as he hopped off the bench and made his way to the cockpit. “ For you?” Dairo said getting off the bench, “Anything.” With a wink, he makes his way to the cockpit. Placing the “He said”’s in between sentence pauses usually makes for a better flow, but should be handled on a case by case basis. Typically, you’ll want to space out long sentences. ------ “Laira-2's shields flickered and then burned out. She fired blindly at the approaching horde as she took cover behind a pile of debris. Her heart was racing. An explosion went off to her left as she shielded herself from the blast and was tossed to the side like a rag doll.” “Laira-2's shields flickered and burned out. She fired blindly at the approaching horde as she took cover behind a pile of debris. Her heart was racing. There’s an explosion to her left, she shielded herself but the blast tossed her like a rag doll. & “Laira-2 heard nothing. She was covered in smut, rock, and rubble. A small ringing gradually started increasing in sound as she tried to make sense of what just happened.. Then there was screaming. The building she was a few feet away from before was now in flames. The screams. They were coming from inside the structure.” “Laira-2 heard nothing. She was covered in (I think you mean muck) and rubble. The small ringing in her head gradually grows in sound as she tried to make sense of what just happened. It isn’t long before it’s replaced by the screams. The building she was in front of was now in flames. The screams. They were coming from inside.” (Just some basic tweets to how it reads) ------ “She began pushing herself up when a centurion came over her.” “She was getting back on her feet when a centurion appeared over her.” This is just a case of Writing actions vs saying what they are doing. Certain cases can benefit from a estaminet of actions. It adds more meaning to the action the character is doing. (As an example; They began to push. They pushed and pushed with all their might, but the wall was unmoved.” The action statement highlights the second half of the sentence.) [/spoiler] Pt1

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            • very good

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              • Better script then the entire d2 lore

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                • Very good! I love reading this series! There is one comment I’d like to make about one of your paragraphs though. During the flashback to the red legion attack, in the paragraph after the explosion you say “laira could hear nothing” and then you continue on with her gradually hearing a ringing sound, when you could’ve said something along on the lines of “Laira could hear nothing but the steadily increasing ringing in her ears” which would’ve allowed to sentences to have a continuous flow, then in the describing of the screams coming from the building it would’ve been better if you had mentioned the building in the paragraph before, “laira took cover in the rubble beside the crumbling building” because when you introduce the screaming in the next like I had no idea there was even a building nearby. But besides those it was a very good read! Nice work!

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                  • Really enjoying this story even though we are only 2 "pages" in, keep up the good work and I look forward to reading the next!

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                    • That’s was awsome!! Great writing and really intriguing!!

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                      • Once again good job and enjoyable, I can't wait to know what Guardian wants from her.. ;D If you ever mention the Guardians class, please make him a hunter ! ;)

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                        • EPIC! Great work my friend! 👍

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                          • Good read, can’t wait for the next chapter. 👍😀

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                            • Edited by TheWinkleman: 7/25/2018 3:17:51 PM
                              very good! new favorite bumpity! (at least one of them)

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                              • Edited by ATitanSquirrell: 7/25/2018 3:38:01 PM
                                On a hunter cloak in D1 there was a quote that goes something like this: “If you learn nothing else learn this, when a hunter takes up a fallen comrades cloak, this is a vow.” you could have Liara take Lieand-5’s titan mark and make it into some form of a cloak. Really great story though, can’t wait for more!

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                                • Let me know whay you guys woild like to read!

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                                  • Excellent writing I really enjoyed it. But I see that when you referred to "the guardian" accomplishments, you mentionned him slaying Calus, yet the story happens during the beggening of the red war. Just wanted to let you know. Otherwise this was very good and I'm looking forward to chapter 2 !

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