Traveller Today has just received the full translated texts of Aksor, the Archon Preist’s final words. Without further ado we present Aksor’s final words: [i][u]Upon emerging from his pod: [/u]“Aaaargh! Who wakes me from my slumber!? I was dreaming of cupcakes and… Ooooh, is that a penny?” [u]Upon seeing his slumber pod:[/u] “Thing looks like it came from Dragonball Z. I need to call my decorator.” [u]Upon seeing Guardians run by him:[/u] “Come closer I cannot see you. I ate my glasses when they angered me.” [u]When closing in on a Guardian:[/u] "You’re armour is shiny. I must have it! All I want is to talk to you… and see how you taste. What? I’m hungry." [u]Upon being attacked by moderate firepower: [/u]“Your puny weapons tickle and amuse me. They also give me gas. Woe betides anyone who gets near.” [u]Upon being staggered by heavy fire: [/u]“Argh, that’s a spicy meatball. Nobody move! My contact lens just fell out.” [u]Shouting at his minions: [/u]“You fool. You stepped on my foot!” “Praksis go to the left! Corner the critters. Your other left damn you!” “Tetraksis you imbecile they’re behind you. Even I can see that and I’m half blind!” “You there. You big purple ball. More with the shooting…! By the five beasts of Kaltak you’re the most capable one here.” [u]Seeing his minions fail to stop the Guardians:[/u] “I can’t believe we’re even the same species. You’re all idiot coated idiots with idiot filling!” [u]Upon being punched by a Titan: [/u]“You call that a bitch slap? My mother in law hits harder.” [u]Punched by a Warlock: [/u]“Did you just slap me with a ‘talk to the hand’ gesture? Insolent creature!” [u]Punched by a Hunter: [/u]“A knife? Seriously? I’m wearing armour you ass clown muffin.” [u]Upon smacking a Guardian close to him: [/u]“Think again you motherless offspring of a Vex troglodyte. I crap bigger than you.” [u]Upon being hit with a super: [/u]“What the hell was that!? Why can’t Aksor the great do THAT? Am I a holy man or a sponge? Get my esoteric guru on the line!" [u]Upon defeating a Guardian: [/u]“Pesky critter. You would go well with a fine Cabal merlot. Somebody fetch me my fork!” [u]Upon being defeated:[/u] “Noooo! I’m too big to fail! The jokes on you Guardians. Now that I’m dead sales of my obscure folk music will skyrocket. Ah, ha ha ha haaaaaaa!” [/i] And there you have it dear readers. Straight from the ancient Fallen horse’s mouth. IN OTHER NEWS Atheon (from such roles as ‘The Vault of Glass’ and ‘I Love Exo Strangers’) has finally admitted he has a drinking problem as well as being long sighted, which would explain his sometimes-erratic behaviour as he proceeds to walk off the edge of his platform in The Vault of Glass. To address his problem in future he will be given the correct prescription contact lenses and will be attending A.V.A. (Alcoholic Vex Anonymous). Upcoming Report: [i]Vault of Glass not actually made of glass.[/i] [i]Missed an issue? Never fear the Interweb thingy has you covered![/i] [u][i]Traveller Today back catalogue:[/i][/u] - [url=http://www.bungie.net/en/Forum/Post/72775654/0/0/1][b][u]Issue 1[/u][/b][/url] - [url=http://www.bungie.net/en/Forum/Post/73348213/0/0/1][b][u]Issue 2[/u][/b][/url]