1) Take some LSD 2) Snort some M 3) Hit the gym. You'll become addicted to it, after you work out for five hours without feeling anything.

Never over do protein, your body will convert excess protein to fat. Get on a strict calorie diet according to your level of activity. Drink one of those shots of caffeine before you start, if you're sensitive to caffeine: drink half a shot. Caffeine increases athletic stamina, take advantage of it. Repeat this three times Stretch before you start; One minute jump-rope One minute wall-sitting One minute pull-ups One minute six inches up One minute plank Thirty seconds to one minute off Continue with your regular gym routine.

You're not getting shit twice a week . Try 4-5 days

You fap duh. You get muscle strength while fapping. Learn from the master 💪

Watch the girls on the running machines

Lift the weights

[i]Resist the gravitational forcing of specific objects and mechanical systems. For maximum effectiveness use several different limbs in the process.[/i]

i have great leg strength. gotta thank my workout plan.

I say, start with pushups and pull ups and try to go out running every evening (as often as you can) After about two months of getting ready like this, hit the gym. Start with not so heavy set of weights. I say 8kg curl is absolute max. Aim for 5kg at the start. Also, watch you diet. You will need to eat smaller portions more often. Do not starve yourself and don't eat too much either.

Two hours per week, really? If you're going to the gym twice a week you better not rest between sets! Unless you're doing hard-core maddafakka crossfit you ain't going nowhere with your two hours a week.

First, if you aren't trying to bulk, don't listen to half these people and cut out cardio. It's an important part of the gym that must meat heads don't like because you can't get huge while doing it. Second, try to incorporate a work out that hits multiple muscle groups a day. You should hit every muscle group at least once per week if you want to stay balanced. Third, switch between oblique and ab work every day (Monday abs, Tuesday obliques, Wednesday abs, etc.). Finally, you should hit the gym five days a week with lighter cardio, with the sixth day heavier cardio and your core (abs or obliques not both),and the seventh as pure rest. O and as someone else said get plenty of protein and don't binge eat. [spoiler]I know you say you can only go twice a week but if you really want results the 6 day plan works best[/spoiler]

Dead lifts, bench press, squats, presses, pulls, and flies.

I start with pull-downs, chest-pull thingys and curls, then I run for a mile, then I do pull ups and sit ups and play some basketball, then more curls/pull downs/ chest pulls.

TL;DR in spoiler[spoiler]From what I understand (this may be inaccurate) but doing repeats of 5 with a heavier weight (e.g what you max out at 6-10 reps on) is helpful for increasing muscle mass, and doing repeats of 20 with an intermediate weight (25-30 RM) is helpful for toning. Similar to you, I use the Gym 2-3 times a week, but contrary to what most people do, I have all of my sets in one day, so I do the same thing twice or thrice a week. I'd recommend performing your exercises unweighted with the assistance of a spotter to help get your technique right, so you can prevent injury. Also, doing at least 4 weeks of body-weighted exercise (e.g push-ups, unweighted wall-sits, etc) will further help prevent injury. I would also do some light stretching before and after, as well as a short walk to warm up and cool down. My program at the gym looks like this (yes, I don't do huge weights so no need to remark on how you can bench 150 kg, because it doesn't make you special): -20 x bench press 25 kg -1:45 Side plank holding 5 kg weight in raised hand, each side -20 x Stomach Crunches with 10 kg weight -20 x Unweighted Chin-ups Repeat once before continuing with next set -1:45 Wall-Sit w/ 10 kg weight -20 x Squats w/ 30 kg weight -20 x Single-calf raises with 10 kg weight -5 x Single-leg squats w/15 kg weight Repeat once before continuing Etc. That's not my exact program, but you get the idea. I try to avoid doing weights towards my max as my family has a history with Joint issues, and because I'm not interested in max strength. If you can, have something to eat less within 15 minutes of exercising (Roast Beef rolls are my favourite) and try to fit 20 minutes of light swimming in, to aid recovery. I can't stress enough how important it is to have good muscle recovery. Also try to make it fun so you don't burn your motivation out quickly. Be patient, as improvement will take time. [/spoiler] We're all different, so before you criticise my style of doing it, note that it's simply how I do gym, I'm not forcing on you the idea of incorporating Legs, Core and Upper-body in the same set. It's just what works for me. Same with the lower weight high reps thing.

Don't skip leg day [spoiler]lmao[/spoiler]

Ditch the weights, [url=https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pfsTKfUT-RQ]bodyweight[/url] is where it's at.

I once ate what I called a "protein clump" which was made of a mashed up sausage, 3 eggs and 3 pieces of sliced beef that I smushed together and cooked on a sandwich grill. The moral of the story is eat lots and lots of steak and do 150, 000 pushups every morning.