Me: Hey girl spell me. Girl: m-e Me: No you spell me m-e-d Girl: There is no d in me! Me: Not yet.

An Arab and a Jew walk into a bakery. The Arab steals three pastries and puts them in his back pocket. He turns to the Jew. "That's how it's done". "I can do it better" says the Jew. The Jew turns to the baker and says "If you give me a pastry, I'll show you a magic trick". The Baker, intrigued, gives the Jew a pastry. The Jew eats the pastry and says he needs another for his trick. The Baker gives him another. The Jew eats it. "I need one more for this trick". Getting tired of this, the Baker gives him one more. The Jew eats it. "Ok. That's enough pastries. What's the trick?" Asks the Baker. "You know those 3 pastries I just ate?" Says the Jew. "Yeah". "Check the Arabs back pocket".

My best joke, oh wait it's you

How many cops does it take to change a lightbulb?[spoiler]none. They arrest the bulb for bringing broke and beat the room for being black[/spoiler] How many dead babies does it take to paint a wall?[spoiler]depends how hard you throw them[/spoiler] How many dead babies does it take to change a lightbulb?[spoiler]definitely not four, cause my basement is still dark. [/spoiler] How do you sadden a plumber?[spoiler]slaughter his family[/spoiler] Why did the boys icedream melt[spoiler]he was on fire[/spoiler] Why did Sally drop her drink? [spoiler]she was hit by a car[/spoiler] What is soft, pink, and flies?[spoiler]a baby launched from a catapult[/spoiler] And a pickup line :) [spoiler]you're just like my pinkie toe. Small, cute, pink, and are probably getting banged on my coffee table tonight[/spoiler] I got more, but I'm on a phone so I cant type them all.

KNOCK KNOCK[spoiler]this may not work too well on an online forum[/spoiler]

During the days when Native Americans were being forcibly and systematically removed from their ancestral lands, a small band of Cherokee had managed to elude the U.S. cavalry by using secret refuges in the Appalachian mountains. The only advantages they had were a particularly brutal winter that made navigating the mountains impossible for anyone without an intimate knowledge of them, and the brilliant leadership of their cunning war chief, Black Wolf.  Now Black Wolf was getting on in years, and he had never married or had any offspring. He knew the time was coming for him to name a successor, and his intended candidate was his nephew: Falling Rocks, so called because of the way he would fall on the enemy with the fury of a rock slide. However, the other members of the tribe would think that he favored Falling Rocks due to his kinship, rather than merit. Some in the tribe would rather he name another brave, Tall Bear, to be the new war chief. Tall Bear was perhaps the mightiest warrior in the tribe, but he was brash and impulsive-- he had no mind for strategy, and won his battles on brute force alone. Falling Rocks, however, was a tactician and leader. He knew when to fight, when to flee, and when to try diplomacy. Black Wolf knew that the future of his tribe depended on more than merely being a skilled warrior.  To reconcile the two sides, Black Wolf announced that the new war chief would be decided by a test, and invited all who were interested to participate. Seven braves met him atop a rocky peak, just as the spring thaw began to open the mountain routes. "This is a test to determine who shall be the new war chief," Black Wolf addressed the assembled warriors, "You will walk in the direction of the setting sun, and return. Whoever travels the farthest shall be my successor. This test has no end-- only you can decide when you have traveled far enough." The braves pack their belongings and depart the camp that evening, with Tall Bear and Falling Rocks racing to be the first through the pass. Despite being rivals, there was no animosity between them. They had fought alongside each other many times, and each felt that the other pushed him to his fullest potential.  After a few days, one of the braves returned. "I saw a great village of the whites, with more people than I ever knew lived on this world. It was heavily patrolled by soldiers and I felt I could go no further." A few weeks pass, and another brave returns to the camp. "I visited vast lakes so large I thought they were part of the ocean, but the water was fresh, not salty. I encountered a great thunderous waterfall of tremendous power. At this point, I felt I could go no further." A month passes, and the third brave makes his way back. "I saw a mighty river, larger than any I had seen before. I could find no way to cross its muddy waters, and was forced to turn back." Another month passes until another brave returns from his quest. "I made it to vast plains, with no trees in sight. Mighty horned beasts grazed in herds beyond counting. Their hooves shook the ground like thunder. I dared not risk being lost to the anger of these creatures, and had to turn back. Months pass, and the fifth brave returns to the tribe. "On my travels I discovered another range of mountains. Unlike ours, these were sharp and jagged, piercing the sky with their height. I thought that this must be the backbone of the world, but I could find no way to cross them, and could go no further. Still, neither Falling Rocks nor Tall Bear had returned, and the tribe had been severely weakened without them. They could not access their hunting grounds, which were now overrun with whites, and winter was once again threatening to seize the mountains in ice. The elders of the tribe were pressuring Black Wolf to name his successor now, because they could not survive waiting around for anyone else to return. Black Wolf held out for as long as he could, every day sitting on the peak where he had issued his challenge, watching the pass for the return of his nephew. Finally, the rest of the tribe had had enough, and demanded that he name the brave who most recently returned as war chief. Just then, a lone figure staggered through the mountain pass, wrapped in buffalo skins and holding some sort of strange shell. It was Tall Bear. "I walked until I encountered another ocean. It was similar to ours, but I could tell it was also quite different. The life that inhabits it was unlike what we catch in our waters. However, I could find no way to go any further." Black Wolf knew that he couldn't wait for Falling Rocks any longer, and named Tall Bear the new war chief, but every day he would go to the peak and watch the pass for his nephew. Eventually the cold winter air struck him with an illness that he knew he would not survive. Calling Tall Bear and the other braves to him, he told them that he still knew in his heart that Falling Rocks was still alive, and it was his dying wish to have the tribe always keep vigil for when he returns. Tall Bear and the other braves swore to never stop waiting for their brother in battle. And that's why, to this day, when traveling in those mountains, you can still see signs that say "Watch for Falling Rocks"

The morning of my wife's birthday I handed her her first gift. As she unwrapped it she said, "It's a -blam!-ing wand! What do I want with a -blam!-ing wand?" "It's not just any wand," I replied, "It's a magic wand!" "Really?" she said. "What does it do?" "Why don't you give it shake," I told her, "and don't forget to say the magic words." "Okay," she said shaking the wand. "Abracadabra!" "-blam!- me, love!" I said, peering down the side of the bed. "You're not going to believe this." "What is it?" she asked all excitedly. I said, "You've just made all your other presents dissappear"

I was walking down the street one evening and I saw a black man running holding a television. I thought to my self "i wonder if that's mine", so I hurried back home and lo and behold it was still there, shining my shoes.

IF you know whats happening in Europe right now yoll understand this. So an American, a rich arab, a german and an immigrant are all travelling by train. The american starts boasting, he takes a huge wat of cash, throws it out and says "we have too much of this." The arab not wanting to be outdone takes out a bag of diamonds, throws it out and says "we have way too many of these." The german looks at the immigrant, opens his mouth and the immigrant shouts "dont you f***ing dare!"

My Grandpa said, "Your generation relies too much on technology!" I replied, "No, your generation relies too much on technology!" Then I unplugged his life support.

What you call a gay dinosaur? [spoiler]trannysaurus[/spoiler]

A panda walks into a bar. He asks the bartender how he can get a little action for the night. The bartender motions to a young woman. She talks to the panda, and they go back to her place. After having sex, the panda abruptly leaves. The next night, the woman goes to the panda's house. "You owe me money," she says. "For what?" The woman rolls her eyes and explains, "I'm a prostitute." The panda pulls out a dictionary and looks it up: "Prostitute: Has sex for money." The panda says, "I don't have to pay you. I'm a panda -- look it up." She is about to protest when the bear hands her the dictionary. The woman looks up "panda" in the dictionary. It says, "Panda: Eats bush and leaves."

Destiny

[i]"AHAHAHAH"[/i] https://lovejeniselavonne.files.wordpress.com/2015/04/spongebob-no-friends.gif

[quote]I was level 21 I loved xur so much I had all the strange exotics and curios I prayed to xur every night thanking him for my exotics Xur is love I said xur is life My vanguard heard me and called me a fаggot I knew he was just jealous of my devotion to xur I called him a skrub He slaps me and sends me to go rank up my vanguard rank I'm crying now and out of strange coins A cool darkness moves behind me It's XUR!!! He makes me the happiest man alive He says to me "please me mortal" He grabs me with his powerful agent hands I am ready I spread my аss cheeks for xur He penetrates my butthole with his gjallarhorn I can feel my butt tearing as my eyes begin to water He screams a mighty scream as he filled my butt with his chatterwhite My vanguard comes in just as xur finishes He looks him straight in the eyes and says "The darkness has consumed you" Xur jumps off the ledge near the spawn point and flys away Xur is love Xur... ...IS .......LIFE[/quote] [spoiler]guise this is old an yet people are still lieking this top kek[/spoiler]

Guy at a bar walks over to the bartender and says "I'll bet you $500 I can piss in that shot glass behind the bar without missing or spilling a drop". Bartender says " there's no way. You're on". Guy unzips and pisses all over the bar and the bartender never hitting the shot glass with a drop. Bartender laughs and says " you idiot I told you you couldn't do it now pay up". The guy pays him and starts laughing. Bartender says "you just lost $500 what's so GD funny?" The guy says "I bet that guy over there $2000 I could piss all over you and your bar and you'd be happy about it"