General disclaimer, this is a self-help post. In no way am I buIIying or harassing anyone, though a lot of you probably deserve it. I can fix you if you let me. As a resident Offtopic Woman, you can trust me. Can’t do anything for your wet pillow acne, or homeschooler teeth, but style-wise, you don’t have to be a lost cause. If you wanna drop a fit pic for me to publicly critique, do so at your own risk. Aside from that, here are a few simple rules to looking like a functioning human. 1: Graphic tees are a fine line. Bands are acceptable, vintage is good, and styled correctly, both can contribute to a solid look. Under no circumstances should you ever wear shirts depicting or centered around anime, food and drink brands, quirky quips, memes, tv shows, Disney, positive messages, or just about anything that tells the general public more about you than they’ll ever need to know. Go ahead and wear a Star Wars shirt, maybe you’ll get a compliment from a fellow fan, but speaking to represent Most People™️, dork behavior isn’t a good look. You might think I’m shaming you for your hobbies, but currently I’m shaming you for advertising your hobbies. Two: Brands can make or break a lot of looks. In my opinion, in-your-face branding is obnoxious, and you don’t have to buy name brands to look good. Hoodies with massive athletic brand logos are fine for a comfy house hobo fit, but not to impress Mckinsley at youth group. You don’t need brand sneakers, brand belts, or brand glasses. Don’t be an advertisement. Thr33: Shoes are more important than you think, and sneakerheads have ruined the stigma around shoes. Once again, brands do not matter. If it’s a cool sneaker, buy it, but don’t buy dupes, don’t buy fakes, and don’t follow trends. Everybody at bible study may think Vans are cool right now, but in two years when you have ten pairs, everyone else will have moved on to Reboks. Buy sneakers that you like, and refuse to be influenced by the masses. The only exception to the above statements is that Sketchers on adults are a mortal sin. Boots are another story. Pair with jeans, ankle boots only. Cowboy boots are for the girls now. Phour: Picking the correct pants everyday is apparently an impossible feat for men. Sweats are a nice casual choice, but I implore you to only wear comfy ankle tapered sweats, never wide leg or tech sweats. Jeans are make or break depending on the cut. Only ever wear jeans in a dressier fashion. I never want to see another unshaven man in jeans and a Rick and Morty tee. Collared shirts, turtle+blazer combo, crew neck sweaters, and flannels are all acceptable jean pairings. Cuffed jeans are always better. 5ive: Chances are, you look stupid in most hats. Most people do. Your baseball hats are perfectly fine so long as they’ve got curved brims. Your cowboy hat is stupid and there’s nothing you can do to make it look cool. Driving caps are inexcusable unless you’re actively playing in a 3 piece suit folk band. Buckets are an insult to your self esteem. You are not a hat guy, don’t try to rewrite natural law. Siccs: I can only do so much for your style. Your face is your own problem, but I can try to steer you in a slightly better direction. You can’t grow facial hair, please give up. Pluck your monobrow, get non-rectangular wire framed glasses, and stop letting mommy cut your hair. Buzzcuts are eyesores, shoulder-length or longer is disgusting unless you’re built like a greek god, and if you wake up in the morning and do nothing to your hair, you’re already losing. I will answer any questions, but ask at your own risk. I’m only honest. Can’t do anything to fix your lame personality.