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originally posted in:The Black Garden
Edited by Factornator:
6/24/2013 12:11:40 AM
13
Prosper- Chapter 1: The Lies We Tell
I got enough positive feedback from the preview that I decided to finish it. Here it is! The beginning of Prosper.
And I'm bringing back the audience questions! Yay!
[spoiler]Do you like the intro?
Who was talking during the intro?
Do you like Kyjor?
Do you like Antom?
What's your opinion of Dartol?
Or Chenford?
What the hell happened in the Removement Chamber?
So Dartol's MIA...huh?
Chenford's mission tanked fast. What did you think happened?[/spoiler]
"Hurry, daddy. I want to see the Gaurdians."
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2 RepliesThis is awesome! Will you link the 2nd chapeter on this thread? Or will you start a new one?
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1 ReplyAwesome
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1 ReplyI am going to make my character an Exo Guardian just because of this great story. It was so well written. I think the very first narrator was Kyjor talking to the same judge that sentenced Dartol. I feel like Kyjor will meet Dartol at the very beginning of his journey as a Guardian, and it will corrupt him. I also believe that Antom is actually like an evil master mind. Dartol is a badass, I will be playing as him in Destiny, just calling future dibs on that right now. Chenford reminds me lot of Commander Shepard. I like his character, but I hope he keeps running into trouble, because I think that kind of narrative is something I would like to read. The removement chamber was so cool, I want to learn about how the city has the ability to remove your powers. I feel like the fact that Datrol is MIA is cool because as soon as someone happens upon him, he could ruin the citys politics. I feel like Chenfords missioned tanked so fast because the hive had Datrol's papers that he gave to the enemy. Am I right on any of my answers?
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6 RepliesGreatttt!!! I was so like ohhhh when the chamber energy flashed lol, and chenfords mission was well written I could feel the tension. Future Kyjor gotta be the narrator or maybe the traveler. My favorite part was when you were naming famous guardians in the parade I was like OMG I wish My team and I were walking with them in that parade. You just got me that more excited for destiny sir and I thank you
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3 RepliesI love it, can't wait for the next part :D
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11 Repliescan I join the black garden?
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5 RepliesWhat is this other story you're talking about so much?
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1 ReplyI loved it! Here's some constructive feedback. 1 more description 2 more careful introduction to the characters so the reader feels familiar with them 3 more explanation on the scene I have to admit you did the above pretty well but needed a little more. I liked the idea and where the story was heading to though.
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1 ReplyWhy does everyone assume that people will have long, unpronounceable names in the future? Right now I'm working on a short story, but it won't have any names like that. I want them to be simple and memorable.
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3 RepliesI was going to make my own short story. I found it funny when you mentioned the Exo Warlock. That was the same race and class of the character I am making. His name is Xialus Vulkaar. But great read. Cant wait to start mine
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3 RepliesJust one thing... Did you spell it "Gaurdians" on purpose or was that just a constant mistake? That was the only thing that really bothered me lol but great read! :)
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3 RepliesReally good read, I tie all there lives together .Maybe when Antom gets older and becomes a Guardian.
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3 RepliesGood, I like it.
