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8/13/2015 8:02:54 PM
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For Readers and Writers

so, i doubt anyone knows this, but i enjoy writing short stories and thinking up possible plot lines for things, and i am thinking of starting to write a book, so i wanted the opinions of fellow readers and writers on my idea. [spoiler]The idea of my story takes place in a medieval era style world named Aryix. Its a time for swords and arrows, castles and dungeons, and dragons and magic. The last two go hand in hand. Dragons can control specific objects depending on their scale color, suck as a blue dragon often can control things related to water and liquids. Green dragons can control plants and occasionally air/wind. But, in the world of Aryix, legends told of 2 dragons, unlike any other. One was the color of pitch, black as night, born of an egg that was invisible in shadows, while the other was as bright as the moon, and even glowed when it was dark, whose egg was a spotless white, without blemish. The black dragon could have power over death, while the white dragon had power over life. It came to pass that during the days of the past, a king ruled the land peacefully. the white dragon took kindly to this king, and eventually let the king become his rider. The black dragon soon gained a rider, but this rider was a knight, jealous the king, and raised an army to fight the king. The two armies clashed in a abandoned lava field, called the cauldron, and for hours the battle was fought. Swords swung, arrows flew, and blood lost. The rivers were red, and the ground was covered in bodies. Soon,l the king met the Knight in battle, and they fought. The king was a better swordsman then the knight, and after a quick struggle, the king stabbed the knight through the chain-mail that was worn, and into the heart of the knight. The Black dragon, who had just lost his rider, became enraged, and revealed something no one had even known about dragons. Dragons become stronger the angrier they get, but they lose control of their powers as well. A blue dragon that became enraged, full of wrath, could call a tidal wave to wipe out a coastline, but often drowned itself in the wave. For the black dragon, something similar happened. Throughout the fight, the dragon used it power to raise the dead of its army to continue fighting, as nothing but mindless soldiers, devoid of pain and sorrow, whereas the white dragon would heal any wound it came upon, and rejuvenate the soldier. But, when enraged, the black dragon started to have an aura of darkness, and from its mouth shot death. Soldiers barely touched by the torrent of black fire would shrivel and die in seconds. The dragon, in a state of wrath, turned its focus on the king, and breathed his fire towards him. Before the king could react though, his dragon, the white dragon, flew in front of the blast, and took the fire head on. His scales lost their glow, his feet soon stopped moving, and his heart soon died. But, when the final breath from this dragon was released, a wave of light shot from the body in a circle, enveloping the entire battlefield, bringing to life everything that could be. Emotions and thoughts become realities, the dead were raised, if only to die once again, and the black dragon felt something he had never felt before. An emotion that had been dead inside the dragon. Fear. The black dragon felt fear, felt the sorrow and despair that came with it, and he ran. He flew away towards the mountains, and his silhouette covered the sun for a mere moment before disappearing. The King ran to the white dragon, and laid his hands on the beasts neck, the one that had saved his life, and he found out a new thing that day as well. From the eye of the dragon came a tear, and this tear solidified into a diamond, which held the last power of the dragon. The power the give life to one emotion. Hope. From that day, the king had blacksmiths forge new swords, capable of holding similar gems, which held the last power of a dead dragon. New dragons became beasts of war, with knights on their back, charged to protect the kingdom, and when a dragon died, his gem was given to the knight, as a remnant of the power that was once their. These knights soon became more powerful then their brethren, some being able to control trees, power that came from an emerald, the tear of a green dragon, others could control the ground, making it shake and split, power that came from an amber stone, that of a brown dragon. The king only ever had one gem in his sword. It was a diamond, which gave hope to all he came in contact with. The king kept that gem by his side till the day he died. People forgot about the king eventually, about his quest and the war which he fought, and they even forgot about the black knight, who became nothing other then stories told to children in their bed. Then, he returned. And he was not alone. [/spoiler] Now that I've written that all out, what are your thoughts? do you like the story, do you hate it? why is that? is there anything i can improve? Im curious to hear your feedback. thank you for reading.

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  • For starters mein frande, spaces make everything in your writing. Looking at a gigantic wall of text with no gaps in it diminishes a lot interest and in general, can confuse readers when you try to make a gap in time, or a jump in perspective. Second, punctuation and grammar are important. When somebody is reading, and their eyes stray across an error in grammar, it detracts from immersion. And proper punctuation, is important to flow as well. Third. Flow. Certain words when mixed together generate a smooth, flowing read that's easy on the eyes, and easy on the mind. You might want to take some time to consider how you generate the structure of your sentances. And, lastly, very, very key, is repeating words and phrases. You always have to be careful on the usage of too many of the same words to describe things. As soon as a reader notices a pattern, and a repeating one in words that are identical, it detracts from the overall value and immersion because their mind is focused on spotting those recurring phrases and words. None the less, what you have is a concept that is uniquely your own, of which it could be refined with time and care. If you like writing, I would reccommend that perhaps you explore it further.

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  • Edited by OPs Dad: 8/25/2015 5:33:48 AM
    I liked it dude. Short and sweet, good story, would read again 10/10

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  • Darude Astely

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    • Bump for later. I wanna give feedback but i dont got time right now.

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        • I could certainly be into the plot, although I think it would cater to a younger audience. Though if your writing style is in anyway similar to your plot summary, I would work on achieving a more robust control over your use of syntax and diction before attempting to write a novel. With that being said, if this book was to be published I would certainly check it out in Barnes and Nobles or something.

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          • Edited by Mighty Albatross: 8/14/2015 12:56:57 PM
            Could be a good book but A dragon of death doesn't have to be black. Perhaps it could be the dark reddish purple of blood, or the stark white of bone. The dragon of life doesn't have to be white. Instead, it could be green with splashes of many colors. It could be partially covered in moss and vegetation, with small animals living on it. Although I suppose you have to differentiate it with the regular green dragons. Just think the idea of black being death and white being life is overused to the point of being almost unusable

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            • I get a fire emblem vibe from this.

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              • That was one of the best story's ever I couldn't read all of it because of spoiler I got goose bumps but who would the story be foucesed on the light and king or the dragons and the beginning of the book u could make the knight and king be childhood friends with both dreams to become dragon riders or if u focus more on the dragons u can either make both dragon twins born at the same time or just make them childhood friends and u can make a whole dragon society where the two childhood friends are separated by there destiny or twins where they both seek power to over throw the corrupted dragon society where u can make the society really messed up like they kill of young dragons who are to weak so they seek revenge because in dragon school they had another friend who was weak and always picked and was kill when he was about to be a young adult dragon because he was to weak so the friends or twins went off there separate ways looking to find power and control over there powers which could make some cool scenario if they powers were tied to their emotions but moving on so there young adult dragons and they head off there separate ways looking to control and earn more power and when they split up u can end the book then the 2 book is where they pass difficult trials and hard work to earn power where the white dragon finds the grace of god to train him while the black dragon finds a powerful demon who trains and ends up corrupting his mind while the white dragon learns the truth from the grace of heaven how he should stop the corrupted dragon society and sends him off for him to find a powerful dragon rider to give him enough power against the corrupted the society while the black dragon is sent to find a rider to steal the throne because his mind has been corrupted and he needs more power to steal the throne so he needs a rider so when they both are sent off into the world of the human u end book 2 then if book 3 both dragons find the there riders and there having the big fight the white dragon face with dread because his twin or childhood friend is trying to kill him he snaps all his emotion let out in a breath attack at the black dragon but instead of it killing it cures his corrupted mind and let's him see the truth and let's him control demons instead of demons controlling him so the white dragon untied with the black dragon both know about the corrupted dragon society they head off to fight the corrupted dragons at the end the white dragon and black harness the power of angels and demons so the corrupted dragons fight the white and black dragon and demons and angels and epic battle and they over throw the society and rule over it the end so how do u like my idea and by the way only 13 [spoiler] or u could make a squel to the series and say the white dragon and black dragon become corrupted and these group of dragons have to save but plot twist the black and white dragon have been killed and dopplegangers took there place and they only knew about and have to warn everybody [/spoiler]

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                • That or for the fourth book u can do the black knight returning

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                  • It seems a very interesting concept, but the final product depends on how well you can write it. I would definitely read it. One thing you could also add is several supporting characters that play a minor role throughout the novel.

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                    • Very cool idea.

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                      • It sounds pretty cool.

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                        • Edited by Legoburn: 8/13/2015 8:33:15 PM
                          That's a pretty decent setup. I'd pick it up, based on that alone. Though you'll have to start on an actual plot beyond the setup, or you'll be stuck with Destiny: The Novel.

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