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Modifié par TheDragonLord83 : 1/3/2021 11:12:08 PM
3

Deception

[spoiler] my very first fanfic story, i hope you enjoy it, srry for any mistakes, it is hard typing with a xbox contoller. Also special thanks to KS27, without him and his knowledge of the elinski, my characters would have terrible names and behaviors, I owe him a bunch[/spoiler]Something is happening today, something life changing, i feel it in my carapace. We are being called home, to the den. Not special in other times, but this is exeption. We are all being called back, every dreg, vandal, servitor, and baron. House Theives is called to gather. Akariks, Theives Archon, never does this lightly, she has even called back Dexis, Theives Baroness, I am told, and she is not pulled on reins lightly. I converse with my crew mates, they whisper of our kell, Asirikskel. Known by other houses as Asiriks, Vaultbreaker. He is greatly talented kell, great with machines and tech, especially with machine gods, he was Archon to house devil, but he left before the battle of six-fronts, knowing one of his Rising Archons planned to betray and murder him, he rather live and let them have the position. But because of his abandonment, he is disgraced among the other houses, including devils. But that did not stop him at doing what he did best, stealing. he is talented with breaking into things, especially vaults. Both his talents were put to the test, when he accomplished his greatest accomplish, breaking into what the Lightmongers called the Vault of Glass. He stole a great many things from the vex, but at a cost, his right pair of arms became one with vex. But he had stole from them, and with it, he began building, he made a great portal, a gateway into their time-ways, came out in different times and places when he entered it, where he stooe more, and built more portals into their time-ways. After much building, much tinkering, much mastering of the vex tech and his new appendages, he met Akarisk, once of house wolves, before lightmongers began hunting them, he took her in, with her help, they built Irtoriks, Gatekeeper, and they built our house, house Thieves. My crewmates believe this calling signals his return, to check on us, like he does on his houses within the past or the future. If my kin are right, and Asirikskel is planning to return, then today is a very special day, yes indeed. I felt a subtle shift in the skiff, we are landing. Eveyone is waiting outside the enterance to a tunnel, even Physori, Scarred Baron, our Baron. The last time we gathered at the den, Physori and Dexis did hot get along well, she gave him the Scar that gives him his name, and a limp in his step. He is never happy, or joyous about things anymore, his lose to Dexis has made him, as Lightmongers call it, "Pissed". I stood next to ny crewmates, and waited, when something large moved in the corner of my eyes, I look to see what it was and it was only Calraks, Thieves eye, a captain, known for his cybernetic eye, which has helped on a great many heists, he is croutched next to us, waiting as well, he spares us a glance before focusing on the horizon behind us. One more skiff apears from pure air as the cloaking technology shut off tempoarly, letting the crew off before vanishing once again to go and dock in a nearby structure. We entered ahd traversed the tunnels, passed one of many patrols of vandals and heavy shanks, then arrived at the enterance to our den, there stood her, Akariks, in all her glory. She wore the color of our house, orange. The presence of deep dark purple markings on her armor and banners signified her high status among us. She and the rest of us waited, to see if their were any strag​glers or pursuers, but as usual, there were none. After this, with a push of a button, the large Mechanized doors slide open with a hiss. We all scuttled inside, baron in tow. We knew where to go, we had gone there many times before, to the portal chamber. The rest of the house is sitting around the chamber, they have been waiting, we don't keep them so any longer. We go, we sit, out baron sits at the back of the chamber with tge other barons, but not without giving a sharp eye at Dexis, who purposly ignores his glare. After a little while of waiting, Irtoriks, Gatekeeper hovered into the chamber, with his entourage of servitors in tow, his armored plating shined and glistened, he stopped in tge middle of the chamber and Akariks approached him, getting ready to check everything was working properly before they began, his plates spinned slightly around his frame before opening up, his plates were armofied and molded to look like that of vex harpy plates, making him look like more like a shining sun then a symbol of the great machine when they opened. Having his plates opened also revealed his other modification, his three sharp, folded blades hidden in his frame. With Asirikskel off across time, the archon and machine god have had to protect the den, so they agreed that this was a useful change. Akariks was finished with her check up, she walked over to the left of the portal as Irtoriks closed his plates and floated in front of it. I look up at the grand contraption with admiration, made from technologies elinski, ape, and vex in nature. I was circular in nature, like any other vex portal you've seen, But it was half way up to the ceiling, and wide enough we counld all sit in front of it and fill its width. Irtoriks, open his plate again, this time however several masses of tendrils sprouted from each plate swaying gentle left and rigyt, further adding to this sun effect. He began glowing slightly, concerating his energies on the portal. Parts of the portal begin to whirr to life, others move fron one place to another, locking into place. The portal glowed to life, brighter then that of a lightmonger's light, and after a time, he appeared, Asirikskell in all of his glory and might, adorned in many fabrics or orange and deep, dark, shiny purple, our house symbol emblazed onto every visible fabric, and onto both of his machine arms, everyone roared in excitment and joy before Asirikskell waved us to silence, he stepped forward some, before looking at Irtoriks, who tilts foward a bit in a form of a bow, before looking at Akariks, who bows as well, finally he sets his sights on the rest of us, and we follow suit, after a little amount of time, he walks forward and squats in the middle of the chamber. We all rise back into sitting positions and he reaches behind him, readujsting a makeshift bag on his back wher he can better acess it, hidden from sight due to his hulking form. He reached in to the bag and pulled out something which he dropped to the ground while saying in a deep, low, almost thunderous voice "For the younglings, so they can sharpen their skills and their minds" The objects dropped to the floor with many clanks, they were all vex body parts, old and dry from a long travel, they were black and brown-colored and a few of them were heads, all of them ring-shaped, most being full circular shapes, and one or two being half circles. The yiunger dregs, the ones that have performed little feats yet sccuttled and scurried to get some or the better parts, but everything was claimed once they were done, a few were still dragging their heads when Asirikskell dropped more things from his bag. "for the vandals, so if they, by miracle, unlock their secrets on their own, their aim will be forever sharper." This time there were more half circle heads, and many many long rifles, vex equivalents of wire rifles perhaps....the vandals scurried up and took what they could care, but were long since back in their crews when Asririkskell dropped more trinkets from his travels. "for my captains, so that their might can go unchallenged as long as they draw breath" He dropped a larger pile this time, a few larger, yet still full circle heads, and a great deal of large rifles, but the captains didn't all jump up to take their share just yet, the only one to get up was Calraks, He bowed ever so slightly to Asirikskel when he approached the pile, and he took a long while scanning and searching through the pile, more likely then not using his cybernetic eye to scan for the least damaged pieces, he grabbed to of the heads, one of the rifles, and seejingly ripped a large red eye out of a much larger head of same design as the others, he then walkedback over to our group, and finally the other captains rushed up and took their share, Asirikskell spoke again looking at his barons "unfortunately, i could not find any floating centipedes or prey worth the catch for my barons, but for my archon and gatekeeper, I have these, so that you both can countinue on protecting what we have built here." he walked up to Akariks, taking off his bag with the remainder of how spoils, which she bowed her head in thanks, before walking over and placing the bag open near the servitors, who hovered over and stared, scanning the parts. Asirikskell had squatted back down in the middle of the chamber, and was about to speak when a large metallic thud was heard echoinh off the walls. Many of us jumped onto our feet in alarm at the noise, and a little bit after the sound she appeared in the door way of the chamber. She was elinski, she was a captain, a large one. She wore white and indigo cloak and armor ahd had what appeared to be ice covering her forearms, along with her breath foggihg after it exited her respirator. Akariks grunted in anger and said taking a few steps foward, before saying "I told you to wait until I came for you" "I wait no longer..." Is all the stranger said as she entered the chamber "and who might this be?" "she is-" Akariks began before being cut off by the stranger "I am Braxis, The Unscarred, of house salvation." "Salvation?" Asirikskell asks with a questioning glance at his archon

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  • Modifié par TheDragonLord83 : 12/29/2020 2:39:07 AM
    "While you were away, a new house formed on the moon europa, where they built a grand city, I didn't believe it until she showed up in the area, that's when I sent the message that you needed to return...she wished to speak with you." "hm...well I am here now, so what kell do you rule under braxis? And why do they seek me out so to send a great warrior such as yourself?" Asirikskel asked after nodding and turning back to braxis. "eramiskell sent me. And shr wishes for your return to her ranks, along with the rest of your house." He says shifting her weight ever so slightly "Eramis, Baron of Devils Eramis? Why does she seek me among her ranks?" Asiriks said, slightly suprised by the knowledge eramis made her own house "yes, that eramis. We are low on soldiers, on mechanics, we need more. Eramiskell remembered how talented you were, with the machine gods, she needs that skill and talent more then ever" Asirikskell looked away and pondered this for a moment "she doesn't have any alternative motives for me, does she? I can't help but sense tension in your words, as if eramis still holds grudges about my leaving of the house." Asirikskell say pressing the tips of his fingers together "no, not as far as I know, but knowing that you abandoned your house when they needed you most, you deserve any punishment Eramiskell might have planned for you." "hm.....well then, I am sorry to have wasted your precious time, but we won't be going anywhere with you..." "it isn't a option..." The ice around her forearms starts to splinter and grow, making her hands into mallets of sorts. "..your coming with me back to europa." She said threateningly "oh...is that so?" He said doubtfully as he moved his hands as if streching ghem, before resting them on his knees and getting up, all the while, Irtoriks startd moving, going to hover over thr crews of elinski crews, he was going to give out our ether rations...but he already gave them out to us not even 2 full moons ago...what could he be doing? I wondered as I watched the gatekeeper move, he stopped just behind braxis, a few meters back and he looked and waited behind braxis "yes it is" braxus said as ice spikes began to form on the ice mallets "and what if I resist, braxis?" Asiriks asked while still calmly squating, meanwhile, Irtoriks's plates silently opened up, and just as silently, the blades from his frame moved and positioned themselves, quietly clicking, all of us that barxis couldn't see sat in horrified awe at the sight "then i'll drag you armless there myself!" Braxis yelled "is...that..so?" Asirikskell tauntingly asked the warrior one last time "enough of your games!!!" Braxis yelled as she raised her fists into the air, intending to dock his arms, but that's when irtoriks struck, before the salvation warrior could react the blades pierced her armor and carapace, and Irtoriks lifted her into the air, the ice on her hands and forearms melted away, mixing with the pooling reddish purple blood on the floor, and braxis grabbed the blades as to try and lift herself off the gatekeeper. Asirikskell chuckles as he watches the warrior struggle "You came into my den, My! House of thieves, and expected to order, theaten, us. Braxis, the unscarred...." He looked at Braxis again "now your scarred, that's for sure...." Asirikskell said as he watched the life fade from Braxis eyes, sensing the threat waa dead, Irtoriks retracted his blades while simultaneously throwing the ddad elinski off of him, before hovering off, it's job done, having better things to do, Asirikskell grabbed the dead elinski's arm, looking at the contraption on her forearm, a black, splinter of sorts sticking from it. One can only assume it being the source of her icy powers, Asirikskell proceeded to carefully and precisely rip of the helmet and respirator of the corpse all the while Akarik asked "What shall we do now, Asirikskell?" He walked over to Akariks and compared the helmet and respirator to her features and was sure they'd fit "we pull off our greatest heist yet..." Asirikskel said lowering the items, and watching as realization dawned on all of our faces "Dexis, Physori!...." He called out turning to them "You and your crews will take my ketch, along with our...Braxis the unscarred" glancing at Akariks "...and steal more of these, splinters...after figuring out what we did here, house salvation will come after us...and I intend to fight ice with ice..." "it will be done, Asirikskel" Dexis, Physori, and Akariks said bowing as the rdst of us erupted into joyous shouts. Today is a special day, yes indeed. House Thieves get to show off our smarts...our cunning....our skill...at deception....

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    • Good story, how did you do it on a controller?

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      • Modifié par Grays_KS27 : 12/29/2020 2:03:26 AM
        Great work. Other than all those spelling mistakes the writing is good and also does a good job of feeling like an Eliksni is speaking. But you switched between past tense and present tense sometimes. You have to pick one and make sure you stick with it. You also went overboard with commas sometimes, creating overly long sentences that should be separated into shorter sentences. [quote]every baron and their crew.[/quote]I think it’s worth mentioning, Captains lead crews. Barons tend to lead far more than a single crew. [quote]House Theives is called to gather. Akariks, Theives Archon, never does this lightly, she has even called back Dexis, Theives Baroness, I am told, and she is not pulled on reins lightly.[/quote]Just want to say I thought this is well done, it really emphasizes the gravity of everyone being summoned and puts good highlights on Akariks and Dexis. [quote]Asirikskell[/quote]Good job using the -kel suffix! But remember to only use one L, not two!!! [quote]breaking into what vex and Lightmongers called the Vault of Glass.[/quote]Not the Vex, we don’t know what they call anything. So just Lightmongers. [quote]he made a great portal, from which he stole even more, built more portals along the time-ways.[/quote]I suggest you describe this better. It’s very important and shouldn’t be glossed over. He built a portal into their time-ways and came out in different times and places, where he built more portals into their time-ways. Also, break the paragraph here. The time travel is sandwiched between the Vex arms and Akarisk, all in one paragraph. Making each of these a separate paragraph will emphasize each one’s significance. [quote]lightmongers[/quote]Try not to use this word too much. Use other terms for Guardian. There’s several examples. You can probably find some in Skolas’s Kell of Kells speech. [quote]They believe this calling signals his return, to check on us, like he does on his houses within the past or the future. If my kin are right, and Asirikskell is planning to return, then today is a very special day, yes indeed.[/quote]This was also part of the huge paragraph. Make it a separate paragraph. [quote]One more skiff apears from pure air as the cloaking technology shut off tempoarly, letting the crew off before vanishing once again.[/quote]The Skiffs would be docking (dropping off their crews and being left where they are uncloaked). Fallen dens very often have places to dock. [quote]She wore the color of our house, orange, with deep dark, shiny purple, signifying her high status among us.[/quote]This sentence is a little messy and unclear, with an overabundance of commas. It seems to say that anyone wearing the House colors is of high rank. Fixing the sentence a little will make it clear that the purple specifically is the marker of high rank. For example: “She wore the color of our house, orange. The presence of deep dark purple markings on her armor and banners signified her high status among us.” [quote]white-ape[/quote]Just call Humans apes. Awoken are their kin that are blue, the blue ape-kin. White-apes isn’t a good idea, especially because many humans aren’t white at all. [quote]I was spherical in nature, like any other vex portal you've seen[/quote]The portals aren’t spherical. They’re circular. [quote]But it was tall enough to scratch the ceiling, and wide enough we count all sit in front of it and still not cover half its width.[/quote]That might be a little too big. Especially the part about everyone sitting in line. With all the crews that would just be far too wide. [quote]vexified arms[/quote]I suggest not using the word “vexified.” It sounds a little childish. It would be good and funny if a Guardian called them that, but in a serious description it’s having a bit of a negative effect.

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