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11/28/2022 2:43:57 AM
13

Feeling

I talk more about my insecurities/mental health in a way that makes them seem a little overwhelming or in a way that could make one think I cannot handle them. There are days when they are that way. There are also days when it’s just a feeling and I get over it. A thing some of y’all know is that I am highly extroverted. In a way that if I do not have a high degree of social stimulation every day or so, I get in a horrible funk that can only be released by the stimuli. For that reason, I love talking to people. The more casual the better because socially that’s where people start to drop their guards and you learn so much about them. Small talk is my paradise, truly. Isolation is not good for anyone really. it’s particularly not good for me. Strangely enough, I hate people. It’s confusing for me to articulate really. I guess I desire to be accepted as Cupid Valentino and not what people see Cupid Valentino as. I really don’t trust people to one unconditionally accepting so I don’t believe people who are oooor even more self sabotaging, I think there is no way they could accept me. I’m stuck at an impasse. That’s my infrequent mental health post Be yourself kids, don’t get stuck in the stereotypes of what ever larger group of intersectionality you’ve been shoehorned into.
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  • Life is hell. I have chronic pain and have gone through a few surgeries to correct genetic defects, they have mostly worked, but the pain will return in about 10 years if I’m lucky. I don’t care about that, not anymore. I wish I did. I spent years protecting someone from killing themselves, and it took a toll. I have never thought of killing myself, only of giving up myself and shutting down emotions. I occasionally stop feeling anything, and it scares me when it passes. Sometimes it takes a while for me to get back to truly feeling. When it happens I don’t feel remorse, guilt, sadness, or anything. I always wonder about what will happen if I can’t crawl back. Do not give up. Take care of yourself. I’ve been doing better recently, the emptiness doesn’t come as long as it did before. The person is still alive and has gotten therapy and medication to partly correct their chemical imbalances, but the damage is done and they still struggle sometimes. Sometimes when I feel like not crawling back to feeling, I think of how that would effect those who depend on me. It helps, but do not make it your reason for living. Don’t know if this helped. Probably not going to post anything else on this website for a couple of months, so adios, don’t die.

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