You were a little repetitive in your nouns. If it doesn’t clog up the understanding of the passage you should usually always use pronouns after the first use of the noun (at least until another noun pops up, or a sentence or two have passed). For example; [quote]The beds all appear to be the same, with large primitive weapons near each bed, except one bed that is almost twice as large as the others. It has several trophies from what appears to be hunts for food.[/quote] Should be more like; [quote]The beds all appear to be the same, with large primitive weapons near each one—except for one in particular which was twice as large as the others.[/quote] [quote]The General puts his hand in the light, the General screams into the air as the light combines with him, he begins to glow. The light stops glowing from the hole as the General slowly dims.[/quote] Should be; [quote]The General puts his hand in the light, and screams into the air as it combines with him, causing him to glow. Eventually, the light stops shining from the hole, as the General slowly dims.[/quote] [spoiler]And, I should point out real quick that I’m trying to be helpful, not rude. Last time I offered criticism I got yelled at.[/spoiler]

Cool read man, great job on the story.

No

A strike of orange lightning announces the arrival of virus. “Interesting story” Virus pulls up a bar stool “I’d love to hear more”

I kinda wanna hear the full story. With the fish. Maybe that’s just because I’m hungry

Bunp

BuNp

This is great. Looking forward to what comes next.