[spoiler]This is my first time making one of these, so I’m sorry if it sucks...[/spoiler] The camp was a mile south of my position. I was hunting down the leader of a gang notorious for taking part in illegal activities (murder, drug dealing, etc) and could see him from my position.
The camp was more of a small fortress than a “camp”. It consisted of a building in the middle, and a large group of tents, surrounded by a stone wall. It had fuel tanks and a helicopter pad.
It was midnight and pouring down rain, thunder could be heard in the distance.
My friend, Mark, came through the radio. He sounded confused....
“Supposedly these guys have kindnapped cat... girls...? What...”
I replied, also sounding confused.
“Cat girls? I know that speaker is massacring cat girls. Could these guys be offering shelter for them?”
“Maybe... one way to find out. See what they’re up to, then we should know for sure.”
As I came approached the camp, a conversation could be heard from within the camp.
“Why are we keeping these cat girls alive? They’re of no use to us, and you know that speaker has ordered that they be killed.”
“We can give them to the Offtopians... at a cost.”
“So the money we get from this is shared evenly between all of us, right?”
“Well... no. It goes to the boss.”
“Bullshit.”
“Boss hears you complaining, you may die.”
“... fine.”
I had a disturbed tone in my voice.
“They ARE hoarding cat girls! And they aren’t offering protection, either.”
After searching for a way to get in without being spotted, I found a small hole in the east wall. These guys weren’t the brightest.... I entered the hole.
The gang members all seemed to be gathering at a nearby tent. I take it back; they’re idiots.
The inside of the camp was mostly open, with tents scattered about and what looked like a watchtower in the center.
After a minute of looking around for any sign of cat girls, I found a stairway in a tent leading into a large room. It was made of stone, and smelled like alcohol. But Inside were the cat girls.
The were obviously frightened and stayed on the far side of the room.
“I found the cat girls. Now what?”
“Set up a transmat and send then to me.”
I drop my weapons and try to calm them down.
“Hey, everyone? I’m going to get you out of here, you’ll be teleported to somewhere safe. My friend is there, he’ll be able to help you.”
I struggle to talk quietly.
They calm down, mostly. “Transmat ready.” I transmat them to mark.
“Now take their leader down, and get out of there.”
I get to the top of the stairs, and notice the gang members going back to their stations. I duck behind a crate, but am now surrounded.
I notice a few going down the stairs. If they report to the others that the cat girls are missing, it’ll get messy. I couldn’t go down the stairs to taken them out, without being spotted. I had no choice but to make myself known.
I threw a grenade into the crowd of gang members are it exploded, releasing siva nanites into the crowd. The nanites began tracking down enemies and managed to kill a few, but not enough.
I try to fire a hailstorm of bullets into the crowd, but was already under heavy fire. They begin pushing into the tent and I resorted to melee combat; a chainsaw materialized on the tip of my machine gun, and I began to cut through enemies.
They stopped pushing me after a few minutes and one of them through a grenade into the tent, destroying the tent and leaving me in the open. I retreated to the bottom of the staircase and they followed.
I sat at the bottom of the stairs picking off enemies as they came. But eventually ran out of ammo. I, again, use the chainsaw to cut through enemy’s.
Once the fight was over, the boss was nowhere to be seen, i looked to the side and he was attempting to escape on a helicopter. I was out of ammo and couldn’t stop him...
“He got away.... but i took out his crew.”
“Mission failed, well get ‘em next time.”
I transmat back and find the “base” filled with cat girls...
“What do we do with all of these cat girls?”
[quote]Is THIS better than the original?[/quote]
-
Much better. Still have some rough spots, but much better!
-
Editado por Speaker: 5/30/2019 1:51:15 PMEDIT: take this criticism with a grain of salt, you have gsome good content here, you just need to workshop your methods, the rewrite is getting better. [quote]After a minute of looking around for any sign of cat girls, I found a stairway leading into the ground. Inside were the cat girls. I reported to Mark. “I found the cat girls. Now what?” “Set up a transmat and send then to me.” I grab their attention. “Hey, everyone? I’m going to get you out of here, you’ll be teleported to somewhere safe. My brother is there, he’ll be able to help you.” I struggle to talk quietly. They calm down. “Transmat ready.” I transmat them to mark.[/quote] So here's a moment where you should set the scene a little better, [quote]After a minute of looking around for any sign of cat girls, I found a stairway leading into the ground. Inside were the cat girls.[/quote] Be more descriptive, what is the atmosphere like? are there any loud noise coming from the camp? what does the air smell like? what does the holding area look like? Are the Catgirls frightened when they see you? This sentence- "They calm down." tells us very little... because anyone with common sense would be frightened, but we don't assume that when reading a story; we don't know, if you don't tell us. Just another tidbit. Set the atmosphere and the scene before describing the action- and give the character (you) some [u]adversity[/u] to overcome. Not just difficult and bad-ass tasks that you complete with ease because you're awesome; but try to think of things that could cause your protagonist to fail and explain how he overcomes them.[b] Lean [/b]on those moments of tension, and don't be afraid to make things go wrong, those moments are what keep people reading, and wanting to read more.
-
This is a good start! Have you written much before?
-
This cat girl is far beyond cringe. Now it's just plain disturbing.
-
Editado por Bopsheezi: 5/28/2019 10:26:11 PMI have a shelter, and so does Toaster
-
Bro, for a beginner this is great!! I'm no artist but I enjoyed it a lot actually. The only thing that was a bit...meh....was the random lightning bolt, but that's all.
-
See? Told you it’d suck
-
I don’t usually do bumps but i need feedback so i can get better at making these story posts