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5/8/2016 11:37:08 AM
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Anybody Watch Krampus? [Spoilers if you care]

Now I recently started watching shit movies because I like the thought of micheal bay-ing myself... but one has stuck out as not AS BAD as the rest. As the title of this suggests, that movie was Krampus. I still hated it, but the special effects were much better, the animation was actually pretty good, the CG did not feel too invasive within the presence of practical effects. However, I did not like the first 20-30 minutes with a passion and none of the characters connected with me. Also as the title says, there be spoilers ahead. I won't go over everything but the basic premise is that on this particular Christmas, not everybody is feeling the holiday spirit. One kid is very against this holiday and wish it was back to how it was years ago. However, this lack of Christmas spirit summons the goatman himself, Krampus, who proceeds to take/kill everybody. Now that that has gotten out of the way, I can talk about scenes that actually got my interest and a joke that actually made my smile. There are four scenes in the whole movie that caught my interest as it was wandering to the folders button so I can become cancer and then make more cancer through Minecraft skins. [spoiler]1. The joke: In this scene, a while after the grandma starts explaining everything, she says something in another language, the annoying kids ask what she said, and someone else responds, "She says we're -blam!-ed," the kids ask how she knew that and the woman says, "Because I'm old enough to know when life is running at you with its pants down." I know many people won't find this funny, but I do whatever. 2. Krampus' silhouette and Beth's final moments: When a blizzard that takes down literally anyway of escaping arrives, you are -blam!-ed. But this could not be emphasized enough by one of the characters, Beth, walking around in the snow trying to find her way home. She sees Krampus in the distance and is of coursed scared, she runs and hides under a car. Now most horror movies would have Krampus walk around the car and that is what he did, but he did not flip the car or kneel under it like I initially thought. Instead, keeping with the Christmas theme, he left a toy. This toy was a Jack in the Box. What Wikipedia failed to realize is that this creature is not unseen because if you are me and like to analyze, it was clearly a jack. I have no idea how it killed or took Beth since it was only the size of her hand... filmmakers explain pls. 3. The Main Event/Battle: Where do I begin? Oh... right. *cough* Two of the... four? remaining kids go upstairs to go the bathroom... WITHOUT SUPERVISION WHICH IS CLEAR THAT YOU NEED IN THIS FU- OK ok... chill. Anywho, they hear Beth's voice coming from the attic... who is of course dead/taken (not the good Taken, otherwise she would probably start launching people off of towers on the Cosmodrome or something). They go to investigate like the retarded kids that they are and get into an off screen scuffle with... a thing. The adults hear it and three of them go to investigate. Another guy goes into the kitchen because he heard something in there. The movie makes it clear through the kitchen part that the ventilation shaft has been opened. In the kitchen, three sentient gingerbread cookies have been knocking things over and eventually use a nail gun. They all die, by shotgun, fire, and being eaten by the family doge. However, things are not so toasty in the attic. One of the two now captured kids is being eaten by a large demonic Jack in the Box. This... thing is clearly the scariest monster of the whole movie. The JitB screeches and makes a run for the ventilation. A doll of an angel awakens and attacks the attic group, a bear does the same, even a robot. The JitB almost gets sliced but gets away, the dog is sent to attack it (it probably dies), and it falls. The toys from the attic attack again, all but the JitB die and elves come in. More sheep get captured and Krampus arrives... 4. The ending: Only because Krampus dropped the main character in the pit... it burns.[/spoiler] The Jack in the Box peaks my interest because I saw what I think is a baby version of it attack Beth. Its attic appearance looks fat before it finished eating one of the other kids so I assume Beth is in there. Now excuse me, that was your fresh text wall or whatever. I will now go and make cancer- wait... I forgot. My rating for this movie: 6/10 OK

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