This is a fanfiction I'm writing in memory for my lost friend Augustine. Rest in peace! If you hate books or long reads, then skip this. If you have the time, it WILL be worth it. I plan on becoming an author, so feel free to critic. Note that once out of italics, the story is written as if it were the protagonists CURRENT THOUGHTS. It isn't previous tense. (1st person of course BTW) NOTE- There may be a few errors in grammar, spelling and what-not, so tell me if you think something is messed up. [b] Chapter One: A Protagonist Awakens [/b] [i] The air was still with an ominous silence. It almost gave way to the flapping of a birds' wings who had just flown off. But alas, nothing could be heard. Outside of an ancient Russian cosmodrome there was nothing but a vast stretch of sand and steppes, and your occasional tall-standing butte. Cars piled high in the lot just beneath its massive protrusion (overhang) to the entrance- rusted red were the cars, representing what this land has become. What was within the Russian site is unknown until soon... In the near distance, a foreign, unearthly, hovering robot glides. It emits a scan to and fro, from here to there, searching frantically for something. As though the land were untouched and new, he cautiously scurried for miles until he found the cosmodrome. This bot was no ordinary bot, it was of divine descent. Its very presence held a heavenly aura, as if it came somewhere in the skies... The bot flew hastily through the lot, though not missing an inch of area unscanned. His intentions are unknown. The bot bolted behind a car as a pack of outer-worldly extraterrestrials roared in conceited ownership. They pounced upon the cars, stalking nonexistent oppositions and grunting in an unintelligible manner as if though they were fixated on a certain duty- which no doubt they were,- but they had almost given up hope after hours of searching. Unknown to us is the potential thought of the bot being in search for the same thing as the alien beings. Once our outer-earth friends had left the vicinity, the bot had continued his search, this time more vigilantly and desperately. The noise was slight, but his scans activated like a loop or a broken record. The bot glided here and there across the lot, not yet daring to enter the Russian site until it had seeked out all of what lied in the span of cars. The robot beeped and booped, but with no hope left and a desire to enter the cosmodrome for further investigations, he steadied his pace towards the great entrance with great hesitance. It stopped. The robot suddenly backtracked and beheld what he was looking for. In the ruins of an ashen and rusted car lie a semi-decomposed corpse, but this couldn't possibly be what he was looking for... Could it? [/i] I coughed and choked upon dust and what seemed like spice. I couldn't breath or see straight for what seemed an hour. All I could do was hear- hear nothing to be specific.. Wait.. No.. What was that? I could hear a buzzing, a sort of- "Hello, Guardian. Back from your slumber, I see?" "I-.." It was slightly difficult to speak after waking up from.. Wait, from what? "You may have many questions, I know," said my strange newly-found savior, "but for now we must get you out of here. The dangers here are capable of nothing you've seen before... But if I've chosen correctly, they've not seen someone as powerful as you either." I opened my eyes slowly.. Sand tried to enter, but my trusty eyelashes prevented that... The sun scorched my vision and I obtained an instant migraine. I eyed the environment surrounding, yet not seeing my savior. [i](The bot has been floating high above his head)[/i].. I was just driving to my job a second ago, I worked for a Russian rocket program.. How did this all happen? The land is so.. Desolate.. Did I become unconscious? For how long? The cars are terribly rusted. Not the best sign. I tried to stand but abruptly hit my head in the car I was previously driving in. I stood from my vehicle but soon after collapsed. "I'm sorry Guardian, it may take a while to get used to. You were gone for many, many years, but you'll have to cope with it be-" My voice came back to me after this devastating realization "Wait, years!? I'd be dead!" He simply replied in what sounded like a chortling tone; "You were." [i] And our risen hero now stands in a world completely foreign to him. As the sun fades beyond the horizon in the distance, the outer-earthly beings can be heard roaring a spine-rattling threat. [/i] [b] Next time in The Rising Legend of August, we shall discover our young protagonist's history and what had happened to these once beautiful lands of rural Russia. Our robotic friend shall explain his history as well- and his creator. Mysteries will unfold into answers in the mind of our young hero as answers only lead to more questions. [/b] Sin, out! Rate and critic. If this gets enough attention I'll make more. If not, I'm, continuing anyways. UPDATE- If you got this far into reading it, THANK YOU GREATLY!!! I might do polls to let you all decide small things, like a friend's name that he meets, his Ghost's name, etc. Not big things like the storyline and plot though. ALSO!!! Next time, I'm making it in third person and a sort of PAST-TENSE. Be warned. I feel like this should be told like a legend, a fairy tale. Third person suits it. UPDATE- Change, OK I'll make a poll whether or not I'll do first or third person. You'll all decide next post. I might stick with first. UPDATE AGAIN- Ok third person omniscient UPDATE- Ill switch out http://www.bungie.net/en/Forum/Post/68589203 chapter two
You wanted honest criticism, so here it is: There's a lot of flaws, but I'm not going to point out all of them. Your writing is silly, and not in a good way. [quote] massive protrusion (overhang) [/quote] You don't need to explain what a protrusion is. [quote] outer worldly extraterrestrials [/quote] It's in the definition of extraterrestrial. [quote] unknown to us [/quote] this should [i] never [/i] be used outside of scripts or storyboards, it breaks immersion. [quote] our outer earth friends [/quote] same as above [quote] seeked out all of what lied in the span of cars [/quote] this is just bad writing. "lie" instead of "lied" would help a little, but it wouldn't totally fix it. Your dialogue could use some work as well, and you have a tendency to use adjectives for weird things, but that's not necessarily bad, just strange. If you want to become a professional writer, that's awesome. The two best pieces of advice I can give you are: don't write young adult fiction (which your writing style reminds me of) and read more. Read constantly, in fact. You have a long way to go, but just work at it. You know what they say about 10,000 hours...