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Destiny

Discuss all things Destiny.

Edited by bailey the pro: 8/31/2014 10:02:52 PM
25

The first Gaurdians Backstory

Our Heros land on Mars, with the goal of finding what seems to be some alien structure. Mark, Jeff and Bob are going to be legends. But for now, they're just idiots. Mark - This way I suppose. Bob -You suppose? Jeff - How are you supposed to miss it? Its a giant white ball on the surface of a red planet. Bob - And why are we walking? You could've landing right next to it. Literally. Its not like they're aren't any parking spots. Mark - What if its hostile? We'd be dead. Jeff - So what, you thought we could sneak up on it? Try and stealthily take it out with out large armoury? Bob - Sneak up behind it and get a knife kill? Jeff - Go for a quickscope? Bob - Utter genius. Or it would be, IF WE DIDN'T ONLY HAVE ONE M16. Mark - Maybe it'll show it that we are peaceful race. Jeff - Oh yeah. We're reaallll peaceful. Bob - "You worship a different god? DIE." Times one thousand and twenty. Mark - Can you hear that? Its the sound of me not giving a f**k. Bob - Can you hear that? Its the sound of me giving it to your wife. Jeff - I'd suggest ice for that burn but there's literally nothing here at all. Apart from Rocks and Disappointment. But mainly rocks. Mark - Maybe if we actually started walking, we could find what we came here to find. Bob - Maybe if you brought more than one gun, we wouldn't all die. Jeff - Maybe if Nasa sent more than three people to make first contact, we'd be alright. Mark - Maybe i- That's actually a fair point. Why three people? Bob - Funding. Mark & Jeff - Ahhhh. Mark - Better start then. Bob - So. What do we do when we see this building thingy? Mark - See if it kills us. Try and go inside. Leave. Go home. Bob - If it tries to kill us? Mark -Highly unlikely. Its probably dormant. Jeff - So why park ten miles away in a mountain range? Mark - You can never be too safe. Bob - Don't suppose that's why we only brought one gun? Mark - If you don't shut up I'll make this gun a bit lighter. Bob - How many magazines did you even bring? Mark - Two. Jeff - Please tell me you're having a laugh. Mark- No. Why would need more than two? Jeff - Not sure. Maybe because we're walking up a mountain towards a giant alien building that could kill us. But I'm sure 60 bullets should put it in it's place. Nice one Mark. Mark - Alright, what would you have done? Bob - Brought more than three guys and one gun with 60 bullets. Jeff - He's got a point. Me and Bob can't even fight it. Mark - Use your surroundings. Bob - Great idea! We'll throw a mountain at it. Jeff - Or maybe build a gun out of space rocks! Mark - Did you two take lessons in sarcasm? Or are you both constantly trying to act like teenage girls? Bob - Whatever we do it really turns your wife on. Jeff - Everytime we meet her its like her jeans sprung a leak. Mark - I swear to god I will kill you. Bob - I thought you were trying to convey the whole 'Peaceful' thing to the building? Mark - Shut up. Jeff - Seriously how much further away is this thing? Mark - Should just be over this mountain. If its not we've taken a wrong turn. Bob - Are you f**king kidding me? We might have taken a wrong turn? Mark - There's no Google Mars yet. Its hard to know where you're going you dip. Jeff - Why isn't there a google Mars? Mark - What? Jeff - Surely google would've done a scan or whatever of Mars? Mark - Why? So the Mars Rover can find its way to a cafe? Bob - Er. Guys. Mark - What? Bob - Should giant sphere buildings float? Mark - You on LSD again? Bob - Even if I was on every drug in existence I would've brought more than one little gun. But seriously. We're going to need a bigger gun. Mark - Oh. I see what you mean. Jeff - We've found it boys. A giant Snowball. Bob - Maybe its Hilters missing testicle. Mark - Oh yeah. Everyone knows the [url=http://www.wikipedia.org/wiki/Godwin%27s_law]-godwinslaw!-[/url]'s missing testicle is actually a giant f**king pokeball. Jeff - We've made contact with Pokemon kind. Bob - I always thought Japan seemed a bit off. No wonder. They were building this. All the tentacles were just a disguise. Mark - Oh. Clouds. Bob - I don't think Mars should have grey clouds. Jeff - I don't think Mars should have a giant golf ball on it but today's full of surprises. Bob - I can't belive you thought an M16 was going to help. What, are we going to tickle it? Jeff - "We are mankind. We wear bowls on our heads and dress in all white. We also like using ineffective weapons." We might as well just write 'Invade' on our arses. Mark - Hold on a second. Oh.. Oh its pissing on us. Bob -That's rain you Knob Donkey. Mark - Why would it rain on Mars? Jeff - Why would a giant scoop of ice cream piss on us? Bob - Why did you only bring one gun? Mark - F**k you guys. Bob - Your wife says that a fair bit to me and Jeff. In a different context though. And so, the first three guardians were created. They all later rejoiced when they received two more M16 rifles and Bob stopped b***hing about it all. If you'd like to see more, simply tell me you want to and if I think we've got enough support, writing will continue. Edit: You want more? Well do ya punk? http://www.bungie.net/en/Forum/Post/68498763/0/0 Here's Part two!
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  • Nice
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    • holy -blam!-ing shit this was divine MADE MY (not day, but) YEAR MAKE MORE DAMNIT!! You are so glorious, you replace the purple ball + longface combined. omg YES
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      • Perfect xD so so perfect xD
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        • That was actually really really good
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          • I've seen a few of these see u on battle feild
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            • Again again!!!
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              • 200/10 i ROFLcoptered all over my room x'D please keep it up!
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                • Kek xD
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                  • If you watch the cutscene they actually have at least two guns.
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                    • That was awesome bro, made me laugh.
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                      • This was awesome. I have never laughed so hard. Omg.
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                        • Maybe bungie should hire you to write "Ghost's" dialogue. At least we'd get a good laugh. BTW try spellchecking "G-U-A-R-D-I-A-N-S"
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                          • That was awesome, nice work! And to think Bungie's story writers are being paid to make what they are, and yet you've shown them up in your free time. ^^
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                            • is it just me or did it seem like another one of these guys had a gun strapped to his back in the intro vid?
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                              • [quote] Mark - There's no Google Mars yet. Its hard to know where you're going you dip. Jeff - Why isn't there a google Mars? Mark - What? Jeff - Surely google would've done a scan or whatever of Mars? Mark - Why? So the Mars Rover can find its way to a cafe?[/quote] google mars XD
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                                • Friggin love this. Roosterteeth should take notes
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                                  • All I could see is RvB in all these characters Church Griff Tucker xD
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                                    • This has got to be one of my favorite posts
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                                      • this is just amazing X'D
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                                        • xD Great job, this is hilarious!
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                                          • Well everyone died in the golden age in a Fabulous war. My guardian didn't even die in the war. He just masterbated to death.
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                                            • Dude that was hilarious hope you make many more of these.
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                                              • probably one of the best posts on the forums so far
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                                                • "Every-time we met her it's like her jeans sprung a leak"
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                                                  • This was an extension of a previous comment from the first Guardians topic. I was told to write more and here it is. If anyone would like even more, you'll have to give me something to work with. A setting or rough story to follow, and you shall be able to feast your eyes on witty dialogue. Post your favourite quotes from the story below!
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