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Destiny

Discuss all things Destiny.

Edited by DukeSkywatcher: 8/29/2014 3:35:52 PM
101

Destiny, Hope, and PTSD

Forgive the length... I don't know why I'm writing this specifically. It may be because of the state of the world as it is. I could have been inspired as I was getting lab work done at the Veteran's Hospital here in Pensacola this morning. The hundreds of patients, the majority of which seem to be far older than I am, never fail to make me tear up, but I'm a bit of a crybaby anyway. More than likely, I just want to write this to get my thoughts somewhere other than my head. I'm posting this because, well, I have ptsd and clinical depression. A few back problems, but nothing a deep massage can't really fix. Most of my wounds are invisible. Most. I disagree with suicide more than anything, having for some misfortune or reason been exposed to suicides as the leading cause of death for people I have known, and lost, in my life. As far as military loss: We lost one brother in Baghdad, not to the constant bullets and rockets, but a malformed valve in his heart while he was exercising during the rare few hours of respite in squad rotation. That was probably what made it especially difficult. We all thought we were invincible back then. On my second deployment, while my squad was walking to the truck to leave the wire, a single gunshot rang out from another platoon's sleeping area. A Marine we all knew had shot himself in bed, after finding out his wife was unfaithful. We saw the strange Iraqi firetrucks come, turned and left. We had a patrol to do and would find out what happened after. The fact that they required us to take classes to better reintegrate into civilian life once your contract is nearly over struck me as odd then. I hadn't really experienced anything other than the military job wise, besides cleaning pools, and being a pool boy is definitely not as appealing as it is in certain fifteen minute videos. I met a new woman, I started playing more music, took my "art" seriously and painting on everything. I got engaged, started working around town and spent as much time as possible with my amazing immediate family. I tried college, but that all just seemed so arbitrary. Fake. I didn't want any part of it after enough of it. Be it malady or enlightenment, I'll surely see soon. In all of this, I was ice skating uphill with the VA in pursuit of care. Then personal connections started eroding. That amazing woman turned out to be anything but. After four anxiety attacks that I could only describe as Hellish, I sold my phone. I deleted my social media. (well, tried with facebook, you bastards) My dad got sick and lost his job. My parents started fighting. My sister got married and had a baby. my brothers moved away. Here's where it gets relevant, and sorry it took so long with my personal diatribe: I bought an Xbox one, I hated it. I sold it and still don't care. Gaming was always a constant and happy part of my life. My earliest memories are of me and my younger brother, staying up late with my dad playing Mario/Duckhunt on the floor of our living room. When we inevitably fell asleep, my dad would stay up as late as he could to get to the end. When me and my brother woke up, we'd rock paper scissors to get to fight the boss and save the princess. Yet, suddenly, nothing in the pantheon of incredible recollections from my favorite hobby at all seemed appealing. Nothing really did, but this struck me harder than anything once I realized this. Whatever that means, I have always thought that while no person has ever asked to be born, we are all just dealing with it. As well or poorly as possible. I am a Bungie fan. In that gilded chest of the aforementioned incredible recollections exist not less than a metric -blam!- ton of times I smiled so much my face hurt playing their games. I've played Destiny now. My passion has absolutely been reignited, among more than a few other amazing turn arounds thanks to my friends, and my family's dumb luck that somehow manages to let us pull our asses out of the fire at the last possible second, rudder smoking as we stabilize. I don't know if a system will ever be in place to make the world just, or truly equal as we should be, but though life is sad, it is always beautiful. I assure you, this is the most exciting possible time to be alive. No matter what. This is the time when we either solidify our intent as a species to succeed, get off this rock, and embrace our destiny as caretakers, but temporary residents of the earth...or unmake our past and make certain we die out while nature and the cosmos move on inexorably toward the future. There is hope. Always. We are all part of the same thing. No matter how much worse we may think we've had it. That's negating the whole point. Thank you so much for reading, Guardians, see you starside. And thank you Bungie, for putting the biggest smiles back on my face and new friends into my life.
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  • Xbox 360 here NextTomb867 Marine Corps Veteran! Ten years! I know this pain as well my best friend and mentor the reason I became a range coach and mcmap instructor took his own life three years ago next month no one knew it was coming he was being medically discharged due to injuries sustained over seas! I try to explain to my wife what gaming does for me and my friend sitting beside of me now! Also a fellow Marine! And good friend! Thank you for this! We live day to day with what's inside us! And this game has also put me in a great place! My wife while she says she hates it has seen how happy I am with my friends playing it! And she loves that she gets to see me get witty and playful with her again as well! Saying things like go ahead guys I'll catch up this woman that moved into my house 12 years ago that I can't get out for some reason wants to talk to me! Joking of course! She laughs they laugh I laugh we all win! The love is here brother! I hope to one day see you star side!
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  • US Army veteran here. You had to make my chin shake, and tears well up didn't you? I understand all too well the struggles my friend. I am so glad to read you have a smile again brother. What system are you on Guardian? K C Caine is my Gamer tag on Xbox one. Hope to meet up soldier.
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    • I also suffer from PTSD and been sent to the mental Hospital a few times. Not because of war, mostly because my best friend was murdered right in front of me and countless years of constant bullying. Videogames help numb the pain and it helps distract me from my past. So I know how it feels like to suffer.
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      • Thank you for your service, see you starside.
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      • The military break you and make you a tool for fighting wars... but there is no unbreaking ritual. I should know. Ex British Army Royal Engineers here... Gaming has been a therapy for my disabilities ever since coming out of the British Army. Then it was a Commodore 64 that my parent's bought me. My specialist said that whatever takes your mind off pain (mental or physical) will actually reduce said pain. What I aim for in games is immersion. The game has to draw you in and make you forget your problems. So if a game doesn't draw me in I hate it... Destiny though... MY GOD does it draw you in. Thank god. So I will have my Xbox One in the living room and my PS4 in the bedroom. I know I can't transfer characters across but that's part of the fun. I have friends on both consoles you see. Diversion therapy it's called. And yes, it does work. Keep the faith, TommyNoShirts. It does get better over time.
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      • Gaming is an outlet of mine as well. Keeps the darker thoughts at bay. Though I was lucky and only get the occasional nightmare from my time in the sandbox. I get where your coming from, just always keep in mind bravery is not the absence of fear. It is the absolute presence of fear, yet the unyielding will to persist. There will always be pain, death, and suffering for as long as there will be humans. It is each persons own responsibility to seek whatever comfort and happiness they can find, despite the woeful state of the world around them. If you seek peace in the world, the best place to start is to find it within yourself. Cure yourself, then cure the world. And if you think one person can't change the world, just look back at human history; just one person is the only thing that ever has.
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        • Inspiring post about the power of gaming. I have to say, it's refreshing to see a game where, despite darkness, there is an overwhelming sense of hope.
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        • Thank you for your service.
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        • This had almost nothing to do with destiny but no flaming for it? I make a post about faith and gaming responsibly while playing destiny and get roasted for it because I didn't put it in the "right" topic....o boy [spoiler]ps great made up story bro. I only hope that it's made up because it's sad that you felt the need to get on Destiny's forum for attention otherwise. Maybe they will give you destiny early :D (no...)[/spoiler]
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          • That was an amazing story that inspires hope and make people feel good and that is what my clan is about. So I would be honored if u were to join us and be a member of SHJ Here's our groups page: http://www.bungie.net/en/Clan/Detail/168697
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          • So if destiny is a let down do you just put a bullet in your skull? What's the game plan then? [spoiler]just pointing out the ridiculousness of this post...I'll be moving on now [/spoiler]
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            • Best wishes my fellow guardian. I too suffer from depression and PTSD. In addition to Destiny, I recommend Transcendental Meditation or TM for short. If you can get past the weirdness of it, it is scientifically proven to ease the symptoms of PTSD. I can attest first hand of its effectiveness. Good luck, sir!
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              • Beautiful man. Truly truly beautiful. I wish you all of the luck in the world and I hope to see you in the new ones we get to someday.
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              • Thanks for your post. It's always good to get a chance to see other people's perspectives and experiences. It's especially gratifying to hear how gaming has helped you through some hard times. Being trough combat, bullying, loss of a friend or any other shit that life throws your way you can always count that in that moment where you sit down to play with your buddies everything is fine. See you starside.
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              • Thank you
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              • Great post, friend. Thank you for making my day and providing something other than the endless streams of cynical posts that seem to pour from these forums.
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                • Thank you for your service. #SeeYouStarside
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                • I right there with you friend. Ptsd, depression, adjustment disorder. Gaming helps me occupy my mind so I don't think and destiny beta has helped move me forward as well. Best of luck to you and keep up the hope!
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                • Thanks for your service. More importantly, thanks for sharing your vulnerabilities and struggles with the community. It takes great strength to do that, not to mention go through it as you have and come out the other side still kicking. We are honored by your contributions, both IRL and here on the site. I look forward to fighting alongside you as we take on the Darkness. JTS
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                • Remember everyone, even the word hopeless has hope in it. Plus if you rearrange the letters is spells peeslosh.
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                  • Great post! +1 very well written!
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                  • Much love my brother. You are an inspiration to many.
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                  • Semper Fi brother
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                  • Hang in there bro I been dealing with a lot of the same stuff you are, the VA, the transition, the memories, the nightmares, the relationship stuff. Gaming has been my anchor kept me away from drugs and alcohol. Keep your head up and if you playing on PS4 look me up would be nice to play with some vets.
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                  • Good luck and Good Hunting. If your looking for other vets, try #military. Military and vet gamers. See you starside.
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                  • Respect, see you online!
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