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Edited by petard: 5/23/2013 10:20:20 PM
57

Don't Commit Suicide!

Hey, kids, I'm petarded2 and I'm here to talk to you about committing suicide. "What's suicide, mister?" That's a very good question, Alex. Suicide is the act of causing yourself to die... [i][b]FOREVER.[/b][/i] "Oh, like what Freddy did after he realized that we live in a universe of decay and that all of life is a sick, empty joke?" Exactly, Jeffery! Now, I'm going to run through some easy steps to Not Doing It: [b]1. Just Say No[/b] When someone asks you to kill yourself, just tell them that you'd rather not. The life of a corpse may seem glamorous at first, with that nice bed and all your family members wailing, but trust me, it's no picnic! [b]2. Lie to Yourself[/b] When life's got you down and you seem to be on the verge of ridding yourself of all burdens forever, tell yourself that everything's going to be fine if you just keep on going. Tell yourself that life is meaningful, fun, happy, or that it at least has the *potential* to be those things one day. [b]3. Don't Think About It[/b] If you find yourself thinking about committing suicide, stop! Think about something more important, like which people it's okay to hate and kill (that aren't yourself, of course)! [b]4. Think About How Many People Will Miss You[/b] Your parents put a lot of time and work into you, you little sh­it! By committing suicide you're basically calling into question their great gifts of life, sadness, pain, bigotry, the desire to self perpetuate, beds, electricity, and toys! They'll be sad that they wasted their time because you did something they didn't expect you to, and they might even commit suicide themselves! [b]5. Think About How Much Your Funeral Will Cost[/b] Funerals are expensive, and the cute miniature coffins for child-corpses can actually be *more* expensive than the mass-produced adult ones. Don't put that burden on other people! [b]6. Your Country Needs Your Body to Fight Wars[/b] Uncle Sam can't stunt foreign democracies by himself! Killing yourself now wastes a body that could in the future be a dead hero! You'll have a much better, cheaper, funeral, where people will gather to shoot guns and lie about what a great person you were!

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