Prophet: one who speaks for God or some other divine entity
Profit: Net increase in wealth
This is a summary of a story, not a short story.
You really need to flesh it out.
Who is Harold? How does he come into a position where he is able to break away from Tide and have the ability to create a new city? What happens to Harold after Jane takes over? How does Jane deal with her previous reputation for harlotry? What was the social climate in Cobalt like before Scimitar shows up? For what reasons did Scimitar leave Tide? Is Scimitar's name of some significance to his character? What exactly is Scimitar's personality like? What exactly does Jane try to do to Scimitar before she tries to have him killed? What happened to the people that believed in Scimitar?
It feels like you're sacrificing the potential of the story for directness of a message, which really isn't something that a writer should worry about.. You leave the reader with too many questions and it feels like you threw it together in fifteen minutes or less. It is lacking in description to the extreme and to quote Faber from Fahrenheit 451, "The good writers touch life often. The mediocre ones run a quick hand over her. The bad ones -blam!- her and leave her for the flies."
English
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Edited by Sabre: 3/28/2013 3:51:15 AMThank's for the input! As stated above, this is just a rough-draft that has much to be done to. I plan on eventually fleshing it out like you suggested and making it longer than the just the few paragraphs it is right now. Thanks for the constructive criticism, pal. (: As for the profit/prophet thing. I also said earlier that I didn't proof read yet, I really was excited to see what Bungie had to think of my tale.
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You're welcome, I'd be happy to read your later drafts and provide further critique.