originally posted in:Writers Corner
Looks like a good start. I really like "wrap his intuition around a brick / to kick along the ground," great metaphor. Also like "this ain't no game of checkers, / O' winged one, with the man." It has an curious shift in language from line to line, jumping from slang to biblical. I'd work on giving it more concrete imagery. The first three lines, for example, have good vocab but the image is fuzzy. What would a "laconic panoply of disassociated distress" sound like? Also, you need a title. The title is the first thing a reader sees, and can set the mood and pace for the rest of the poem. Perhaps something that reflects the Dylan Thomas poem you were inspired by?
English
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Edited by Elegiac: 2/13/2013 6:34:26 AMIt's called 'After the Sirens', and the first line is 'air raid sirens', being the 'laconic panoply of disassociated distress', so that's what that sounds like, haha, this poem should feel lucky that it has a title, most of them are published as 'Untitled' or just 'Poem' followed by a number. The image of the man, hunching, moving through gas, glass and flames, and the brick, that is kicked, and the shadow that flickers gold and silver is really all the imagery I intend. He is supposed to be somewhat blinded at any rate, amongst the crescendo. Thank you for the mostly positive feedback!
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Ok, that title makes sense then.