Some words advise. You need to add more details, I can barely tell what's happening. Add descriptions of every scene, from multiple characters points of view if you want. It goes by too fast, you need to pace it out a little more and more content. Add more intensity, which can be achieved by adding more details.
English
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Edited by Lotr: 10/12/2020 2:29:06 AMYeah, I was rushed to write this. Dmg04 = bully... [spoiler]tomorrow, hopefully[/spoiler]
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Word of advice, don't let others influence what you write (endless it's constructive criticism) otherwise you'll end up writing what others want and not what you want.