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OffTopic

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12/26/2018 5:53:27 AM
43

Offtopic Rewind 2018

Stonebrixx glared at his watch for a solid ten minutes before looking back up at the towering mansion, the dawning sun casting a golden glow on one side of it, the golden letters “Offtopic” bolded on the mansion’s porch. He heard a barking from the porch, but he ignored it. He was promised a director for his movie, and damnit, he would get it. He took a chance at his watch once more, and in an angry fit, he dashed towards the front door. He knocked on it, his tux now a mess of black cloth, and his hands pale white. The door creaked open just a bit, and a fair man with neatly combed hair and a tuned mustache peeked out. “Welcome to the Off Topic forum. Talk about your dog, your news, your friends, your friend’s dog...” “Save it Cozmo. Where’s the meeting?” Stonebrixx interrupted. Cozmo opened the door to reveal an elaborate interior with purple dyed curtains and paintings of a skull on a pink background. “Come on in. It’s the door to your left.” Stonebrixx stomped his way past him and paid no heed to the decor that coated the hall. Not even the statue of Eccho’s shotgun. The fiend! Upon reaching a steel-plated door, he looked upon a sign above the barrier. “Drink from the firehose” He pushed past the door, and while the rusty obstacle resisted at first, the door gave in to a hall of sorts... a big hall. Red draped curtains floated above his head, tables were coated in red tablecloth, glasses of exquisite wine could be seen topping the bleeding tables, and on the red bathed chairs, a plethora of people... and some people who... weren’t people... Stonebrixx recognized a familiar face in the crowd: Triumphant. A man, with dashing features, coated in a golden outfit. Stonebrixx pushed past a few people, all talking about Stan Lee’s death, and he approached Tri near a round table. Stone’s hand waved automatically as he approached the man... “Oy, Tri. You’re supposed to be starring in this movie I’m making... I was uh... told to come here.... what’s the occasion?” “This literally who named Cell apparently wants a reunion to help gather offtopic together. I was invited, so I had to leave OffTopic’s Official Group for a while to come here.” “Did you know that Spider-man-“ “Enough with the infinity war spoilers Stonebrixx...” Stonebrixx stopped, and turned around to face the crowd. Maybe he’d meet some familiar faces here. He said his farewells to Tri and headed for a table with users of all types circling around it. In the middle, a robed figure, his face covered with wrapped cloth and his legs kneeling against the tabletop. His voice came booming out of the layers of cloth... “Come to see the truth! Come to Krishna’s Prophet! Come to see that the Earth is truly flat!” And with that he held up a plate and went on a sermon describing similarities between the Earth and the dining utility. A user, who stonebrixx recognized as none other than Xombie, stroked his massive beard and boomed with a voice of his own... “Ladies, gents, and unicorns of Offtopic: this is not a prophet. This is merely.... Peaches!” A gasp escaped into the air as another user, known to Stonebrixx as Archival Mind, wrapped his robotic fingers around the cloth covering the Prophet’s face and with that, devoid of any guise, Peaches’s face was shown to the world. The voice of Eccho was a whirlwind... “Peaches! It was you all this time?” Peaches stared down at the man, and his brows formed a confused arc... “Wait... didn’t we use the same toilet once?” “It’s me Peaches. Come on down. Let’s have a drink together. Sometimes you gotta accept the loss of Krishna’s Prophet.... and uh... Homo Habilis..... and democracy.” Peaches’s eyes shown with.... affection? He hopped off the tabletop and, arms locked, the two.... uh..... companions, walked away to the bar. The crowd dispersed grumbling, and the voice of Xombie suddenly recuperated the energy they once had... “Come and see, the true prophet! Accept the molasses cookie! Accept Bernthal’s Blessing and his bearded uh.... balls! Tennis balls! Accept hi-“ His voice was interrupted by a man... er... turtle? Clad in a dark robe and a cape as dark as night. A user yelled out... “What are you? MACE Windu?” The turtle’s gloved hand outstretched from his robe, bringing with it a voice clouded by his mask... “Save it Researcher. I’m here to challenge this so-called Bernthal. The true cookie is the macadamia nut. Not the Molasses!” Stonebrixx knew things were starting to get heated, so he swiftly left to another table as he heard a bone crack from the table behind. His feet led himself to the Story-telling HoTH. He was always entertaining, so he took his chances and a seat as well... “And I had dmg reply to one of my posts! Oh, and had I told you of the Spooky Stories? The time I tricked Colonel Mustard? What about the BabylonBee?” His praised voice rose higher than a trumpet, and the crowd around him was getting noticeably excited. “Oh, and what about the elections? The Furyknight-“ And with those words uttered Xombie came flying into the crowd, crashing through masses of bodies at the mere speaking of the name... “Cell-3 shouldn’t be a president! Furry-who’s-it should!” Girraffalope raised her fist in the air... “Yea! And DarkSpire is boring as -blam!-!” “I agree!” “Woo!” The agreement went viral, and was enough to bring another crowd’s attention. They were hunched in a corner, sporting pens and writing in leather clad journals. Stonebrixx could recognize Venku, Jestingworm, Deatheater, Ben10Howard, Michael, RunnerGunner, Mister Mustard, Robo Owl, and MagicSpaceKitty. They were all conversing about HoTh as their eyes examined their books... “Isn’t he the guy who waged war against the other subforums?” “Sure is. Remember the time one of his posts got like... 2000 upvotes?” “He really needs to stop changing his name...” The flow of conversation suddenly disappeared as Soviet Soldier, Slim Slimy, and OrangeTwelve rushed up to them, and began to yell in a shrill harmony... “LIKEBOMBED!” Deatheater began to speak in a raised tone as the trio ran past and began bothering other groups... “What in the Mad Dog was that?” “Another brigade of likebombs. Ugh.” MagicSpaceKitty spoke in a disgusted tone. Robo Owl’s mouth began to move as his eyes of energy glanced around the room... “So, how many more seasons of Asterisk do you have planned death?” “Only 32 more.” “Sounds neat!” Meanwhile in the opposite corner of the humongous hall sat two... agents... of some sort. Agent Wyoming and Wiomyng were locked in an arm wrestle, both grunting remarks... “You.... stole... hrng... my gimmick...” “You said we could- GAH! Share it!” Stonebrixx looked away, not interested in the verbal battle, and he searched around the room for something else. Something other than the OAFL posts. Something other than the Offtopic Card Game posts. Something other than the “You look cute today” posts. No. It was something.... weird... Dr. False.... he was mixing up a concoction of sorts. He held a file in his gloved right hand, marked on it the bold words, ‘SCP-001-OT’. Stonebrixx had not recognized this... SCP, so he made his way to the mad scientist... “What’s that yer cookin’ there?” He asked, tipping his fedora. “Oh, just a potion for the summoning of the demon lord Nil. Have you heard of her? Legend says that she is nothing yet something.” “You look at too many midterm posts bud? You seem off.” “Posts... POSTS! That’s it! That’s the missing ingredient!” Stonebrixx backed away as Dr.False dug into his box of belongings. He took a velvet-covered seat and sat down, his head pulsating with the pressure of making a ‘Pick a Spoiler’ post. However, the echoed voices in the hall were suddenly put to a stop as the stage at the end of the room lit up and a robot guised in a tux and polished black shoes strutted itself on the wood of the stage. It was none other than the president himself, and Hammerfist was next to him, waving. Of course, someone who starred in Asterisk would receive such fame. Cell-3 knocked on the microphone, and he cleared his robotic throat and began to speak... [spoiler]Continued below[/spoiler]
English
#Offtopic #cell3

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