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Edited by Sperm: 12/26/2018 4:08:53 PM
1

Off in a Distant Land Ch1

As a Dreg walked through the streets of his outpost, no one noticed him, they didn’t even say hello or wave, for a Dreg is not someone to be noticed, they are merely peasants. For every Fallen is born with four arms, but why does a Dreg not, that is because of the Kells, witch decide if a Fallen is a Dreg or higher. If the Fallen cannot fight to the fullest and is not strategic enough, they have their lower two arms ripped away, then thrown into the garbage like trash, after that they are a Dreg, and they are now used as peasants, slaves and mere tools, so they are put into battle with only a knife and shock pistol, which just makes them target practice for the enemy. Then there are the Vandals, they are treated much better in this society than the Dreg, but are still only second and not treated as best as the higher ones, and don’t have a say in anything. They have more weapons tho, and can be dangerous towards thy enemy. We also have the leader of a small pack of watching Fallen, the Captian witch are ones worthy of telling their given packs what to do. They are also much stronger than the lower class and like to get close to thy enemy within stealth using teleportation tech. Not above the Captain but stilled praised by the Fallen are the Shanks, they are merely only used as tools to distract thy enemy, but some may be built stronger if worthy in battle. And higher than the Captain and much others is the Servitor, witch is higher due to being an image of their machine god they used to praise, and can sometimes if worthy enough be build bigger and stronger into a fallen houses ruler. There are Fallen that can command a group of Fallen into battle called Archons witch are higher than some servitors in the society. And at the very top of the society of thy interesting Fallen is the Kell, they are the ruler of the whole society and has the say in everything, wether or not the like it. As the Fallen have poor ways of living now they used to have the best of lives. Back to our Dreg. As it walked down the streets of its outpost it reached a door guarded by two Vandals wielding staffs. The Vandals looked at the small, and poor Dreg, then started to chuckle. This Dreg felt the emotion of sadness wash over him, but knew that if he let it, his life might just end there. After waiting for a while the Vandals stopped laughing at the Dreg and opened the door. The Dreg walked through the doors, and began walking down a walkway of riches and High society fallen chuckling, and whispering as he passed. Once he reached the end of the walkway he reached a throne witch upon it sat his Kell, Nexthis. Then he began to speak in Fallen “Come up a little closer, young Dreg.” As the Dreg began to walk closer, trying not to step on the Kells things, he found himself face to face with someone you did not want to mess with. The Kells eyes stared into the Dregs seeming to melt into his head. After a long period of silence the Kells cold grasp wrapped around the Dregs arms, and began to twist every. Last. Limb, until the Dreg had one small tear going down his cheek. The Kell soon noticed this and let go his top set of arms to go and wrap around the Dregs neck, soon after bringing the Dreg to close death from snapping his neck, the Kells hands grabbed the Dregs breather to soon rip it off. The Kell then threw the Dreg onto the ground and put one leg on its back, then grabbing its two arms with the Kells four arms with immense strength he put his mouth to the Dregs ear and whispered “Learn strength.” The Dreg went back every day, because if he did not he would soon meet his death, but in those days he did grow stronger, not in muscle but in bravery. For when the Kell whispered “Learn strength.” He would say back “I am the strong one that does not fall.” This would make the Kell madder and madder, but the Dreg did not notice, for when the Kell pulled the Dregs arms harder he would say it even more “I am the strong one that does not fall.” Years went by, and there kind became more scarce, for the Kell would send them into war against the City, and they would come back with less and less, the Dregs arms soon grew larger and stronger along with his soul, and soon after more years of being torn down, and then saying “I am the strong one that does not fall.” He became what he said, for after half his life, he became bigger than that Kell and he did not ask the Vandals if he could enter first, for he was bigger than them now, and he just threw them aside, he pushed open the old doors. As he walked through the hall of high society Fallen they all still laughed at his weakness, for they did not know his real strength, after he came eye to eye with Nexthis, and the Kell began to do it all over again, just like the other times he had done it, he smiled because he thought that he could make even someone that had grown bigger than him kneel down before him, but not for longer. As the Kell grabbed the Dregs arms to pull, the Dreg felt anger inside, and it began to pour out he said it one last time to that Devil of a Kell “I am the strong one that does not fall. I am Santhis!” His wrists turned fully as they had learned to do from being twisted to the fullest, and he grabbed the Kells arms this time. Then after the Kells eyes turning from laughter, to fright, the Dreg put his back to Nexthis chest and started to pull the Kell over him Santhis put his foot on Nexthis back this time and whispered in the Kells ear “Learn strength.” Then pulled one last time with all his strength, and pulled off Nexthis arms like a crab, and as the Kell screamed in pain, and the other Fallen watched in anticipation, Santhis pulled up the armless Kell and Said “Quiet forever.” Then gave the Kells head a tug, and as a crack echoed throughout the Hall the Fallen watched as their Kells spirit did not come from his body, as that Kell had lost his soul a long time ago.

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  • Nice to see you back. It’s late, but Merry Christmas. This is an interesting story, but there are a lot of grammatical errors that make it hard to read. The biggest problem is that some of your sentences are far too long and made of too many fragments. The very first sentence is an example. Use less commas and more periods. Make sure the meaning of each sentence is clear. There are some misspellings. For example: you used “witch” (like a sorceress) several times, but “which” is correct. Some of what you said about the Fallen caste system wasn’t accurate (for example: the role of the Shanks), but this is a fanfic, so lore accuracy isn’t so important. If you want more specific corrections/advice, just PM me.

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