LONG READ AHEAD "It's a weird experience. Waking up after all those years gone. The only way I could explain it remotely to someone who hasn't gone through it is... tight.My muscles and bones felt... abnormally tight. It was hard to move at first, I was stiff and I didn't know where I was, who I was or why this little flying nightlight was telling me 'We were going to die if I didn't get moving.'" "I still don't understand, why I was brought back or why the traveller came, but I knew I had to fight. The enemies of my city were out there and they needed to pay for what happened. I saw the photo. It was in my hands when I woke up. It was me. Me and presumably my wife and child. I saw the bodies. Broken neck on the larger and a shock dagger through the heart on the smaller. I knew who they were, I knew what killed them, and I will have my revenge." Kal Hayorn walked through the marshes of earth as silently as he could. His scout rifle trained along the tree line as he listened, waited. He saw the head of a dreg turn the corner of a building. He ducked, looking for cover. He waited and watched as more dregs,vandals, and a captain searched through the rubble of this broken town, listening and waiting. He turned from his cover and silently ran into the building across from the fallen squad. He pulled out his sniper rifle, scavenged from the stores of the last town, he was lucky to have it. He readied his weapon, and fired at the captain. The head of the captain burst in a stream of ether. The dregs ran in terror but the vandals were already returning fire. He through a flashbang grenade, blinding the vandals. His scout rifle fired three times. Three vandal heads were no longer heads, but open valves as the ether leaked out of their bodies. The dregs were next. He fired his scout rifle and more bodies fell in the dust. He was on his way to a industrial complex, rumored to have golden age tech and weapon designs somewhere in its halls. He carefully had his ghost unlock the door. This was his first mission. He didn't want to blow it. "Ghost!" His ghost looked at him and responded like they had this conversation a thousand times. "First off, I would like to be called anything other than just ghost. Secondly, what do you need." I need you to check if there are any alarm systems still active." "These buildings haven't had power for hundreds of years, how would there be an alarm?" His ghost responded pretentiously. Kal angrily said" I'm not talking about golden age I'm talking about fallen!" Ghost looked through the access port and cam back negative. "I am not seeing any alarms. There are also no signs of fallen in the building." He opened the door cautiously, looking around. "Ghost I need to to shine a light please." "Sure thing. Just don't call me ghost." He looked at his ghost and sighed. "What do you want to be called." As the light came on, he saw a sign that read " [b][i]MARE INDUSTRIES[/i][/b]. He looked at his ghost. His ghost looked at him. They both said at the same time,"mare." With that problem settled, Kal and newly named Mare walked through the abandoned facility more exited than ever. Mare said,"the building's inventory and floor plan say the production facility is to the right and the research facility is to the left. Which way do you wanna go Kal?" "Left. After that we can come back and see if there is anything in production we might want to check out." Mare did the ghost version of a nod and they heard left. They reached to research lab and started going through the files. "I found something!" Mare exclaimed. Kal hurried over excitedly. "What is it?" "It's what they were making! They were designing and producing rocket launchers, ships and anything rocket powered really" Mare said with enthusiasm. "They even made sparrows!" If they still have anything still left, it would come in really handy for the city!" Kal and Mare ran to the production facility, and found the room still full of launchers and sparrows. "We need to find a ship. Like...a big ship to get all of this out of here." The hanger is over there." He pointed to two large bay doors across the room. Kal opened the doors and found two ships. A gleaming new star ship and and a large transport ship. " Kal gazed in awe as Mare floated over to the ships. " Yep. Yep yep yep. That's defiantly what we needed. How could the fallen not take this apart?" Kal wasn't listening, he was walking down a hallway to the south part of the facility. He saw a green light in the distance. He ran back to Mare and said, " Did you get the plans for all this stuff?!" "Yes why?" "I figured out why the fallen aren't here." "It's the hive!" He whispered. Mare was shocked. Kal said" well lets get this stuff on board and get out of here!" They hurriedly took all they could from the facility but on the last rocket launcher, the transmat failed and it clattered to the floor. A loud shriek was heard and he saw hundreds of hive wake from their slumber and sense him. "MARE RUN!" He bolted for the ship grabbing his ghost and running with Mare in his hand. "START THE SHIPS! START THE SHIPS! They flew away just as the hive were getting to where they were. They flew joyously to the city where the gunsmith and cryptarchs were amazed at all they had found. Banshee-44 turned when he picked up a launcher and handed it to Kal. "You get one too titan." There were lined of guardians looking to purchase a sparrow or plans for guns or launchers. But as Kal turned to leave, something caught him by surprise. The woman in the photo. He had that photo in is hand when he woke up. He knew it was her. The exact same woman. All he could do was sit and listen.
I liked it, what I would recommend is that you try and space out what you're writing. Rather than one run-on paragraph try and split it up. Typically give the dialogue its own line (especially when you're switching characters) unless the actions being described happen simultaneously with the speech. All in all, I enjoyed reading it and look forward to your next piece guardian.
Shameless self bump