Sorry it took me a little while to get back to you. I was studying for my PHYS final. I like the changes that you made. Your work flows in a smoother tone. The server room dialogue is great! The flow from Sai and Eris, and the person talking is well done too! Good job, I look forward to reading more of your work if you decide to make more!🙌
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Thanks! I've written a few destiny fan fictions over the years, but this one is by far the longest. Currently, I'm working on another one called the Journey Home; the story of a young girl who is escorted to the City by a Pilgrim Guard Titan. You can check it out here if you like! https://www.bungie.net/en/Forums/Post/222615264?showBanned=0&path=0