Is it aching sore or stinging sore?
What colour alley is it?
Are you covered in fluids that aren't your own?
Is it, or has it recently been, raining?
English
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Aching Dark Yes Yes
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My professional diagnosis is that you have been abducted by extraterrestrial ayyyliens who have done tests on your naked body via anal probe. This explains the uncomfortable sensations in you anus. They put you in a vat of liquid goo that put you to sleep throughout the procedure. the rain has washed most of it away but not all of it. You may want to get yourself checked out for space AIDS. This can be done in a similar fashion to what the ayyyliens did to you except you are awake but unable to move. I would be happy to perform this procedure free of charge.