Nice story. Being a Literature natural. One thing that has always bothered me is when people start to describe their characters in the story. I get that you want people to know how they look but unless a feature is important to the story such as a scar that allows magical powers. Then there is little point to add it directly. Try to add it in a subtle way such as.
"Oh my gawd I burn way too easily! All I want is a simple tan!" Cried May.
"I don't seem to have trouble getting a tan. Why do you?"
"Well you see here [u]Ms. Shelby, unlike you, most of us here are not as lucky to have a natural tan and instead are stuck with a marshmallow tone[/u]."
Note how her Name, the other potential residents, and a small physical feature was added subtlety and indirectly. I didn't even have to add the "Marshmallow tone" because of the earlier "burn too easily" and "not as lucky to have a natural tan" segment. Anyways, This makes it more presentable and professional. Of course I am only a youngster. So take it with a grain of salt if you so desire.
English
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Thanks for the criticism. I think criticism helps me grow as a writer. I'll try to do that for the other characters. Thanks for the input and I'm glad you liked it! ^_^
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No problem! And remember writing is also an art. So your "flaws" may be what make you an amazing and different writer. Skill comes with time. And time promotes experience.