[quote]We slandered them in the podcast. I had a go at them numerous times on Twitter. You’d have thought by now that Bastille would have got the message. Sadly they didn’t, and neither did the sheep-like British public who propelled Bad Blood to number one last year. Surely all those people can’t be wrong, and Bastille are the deserved new faces of British electro-pop? Well as it turns out, the British public (not for the first time) are completely wrong – and whilst they may be the faces of British electro-pop for now, Bastille really should be the faces of public execution in the United Kingdom. But still they carry on selling records. I’m writing to ask the question – what can possibly be driving this success?
“But my friend is a Bastille fan. I’m worried for their health, Chris. What can I do to save them?”
I’m sorry for your loss, friend. But if Bastille is a thing, there must be a cure. First, we’ve got to establish where your friend picked up this wretched illness of the brain. Only after determining the source can we take appropriate action to stop this turning into a pandemic.
WAS YOUR FRIEND A DIRECTIONER WHO GREW OUT OF THEM?
This was the first reason I could think of for people liking this wretched abomination of a band. Maybe it’s because the girls who liked One Direction when they were first popular have grown out of having pictures of Zayn Mailk on their wall, and wanted something a little more sophisticated – whilst still having some boys to ogle over (well, boy – it seems Dan from Bastille has insisted that all the press shots be of himself for some reason, I presume he’s just a colossal wanker). This would appear to make sense. Whilst Bastille aren’t strictly pop among the bleeps and bloops of the horrendous Bad Blood, they’ve still enough melodic-pop sensibility to stay on the commercial side of the BRIT Award/NME divide. More idiots to pander to, I suppose. But this, I’ve decided is not an acceptable reason to like Bastille. There are many good electro-pop acts that have attractive boys at the helm. Owl City, A Great Big World, King Charles (if you can abide the hair – which you can if you like Dan from Bastille) or even MIKA provide a much more quality-based option for the savvy consumer. That would be my recommendation.
If this is the case, hopefully your friend will grow out of Bastille too and the disease will recede. But time will tell. Try to get them into the artists I’ve mentioned instead and the problem may stop quicker.
DID THEY HEAR IT IN A MAINSTREAM CLOTHING STORE?
Pioneers of the over-priced nu-hipster movement, Bastille have wormed their way into the stereo systems of many high street shops (including the one in which I work). This is not a compliment to their music. Let me tell you what classifies as a song fit for play in a shop. To my mind, a shop song is ideally the most dull, dreary, middle of the road, background-filling shit one can find in order to offset the emptiness of the establishment. Unless you work in a record shop, in which case it’s probably an old vinyl or some Meshuggah. Or Urban Outfitters, in which case it’s thumping deep house at an ear-bashing volume. One can only assume that the listener was infected in a clothes shop. I’m very sorry. I’m sure they went in there looking for clothes, but they came out with a disease. Fate is cruel sometimes.
Luckily, online establishments exist so one can get your clothes online. Perhaps a period away from the shops would help them get rid of Bastille syndrome forever. Or at least offset the progress of the virus for a few years. That’s valuable conversion time, friend.
WERE THEY HYPNOTISED BY THE TRIANGLES?
Perhaps the most convincing reason why anyone would listen to Bastille’s soggy rag of a record and the thumping tedium of their music, Bastille (or should that be BΔSTILLE, you hypnotic twats?) and their use of triangles haven’t really been questioned. But I wonder whether this is the greatest hypnotic event to afflict the youth since the Cha-Cha Slide. Well, the Illuminati exist don’t they? What do you mean, no? Did you not watch “Angels and Demons”? Did you not see Jay-Z making those hand signs? They’re real alright. By this logic, Bastille are just another of the artists thrown into music by the organisation pulling the strings of every major corporation since the dawn of time. The hypnosis will be strong, but you can break it by doing these things.
Slap them. If that fails, hit them again. Do this until desired effect is achieved. Alternatively, whilst your friend is out somewhere, put circles all over their house in an attempt to break the hypnosis and general triangle monopoly.
Well, that’s all I’ve got for you. That’s all the methods of infection through which one can be redeemed. However, if their music taste won’t recede, I’m sorry. You’re not getting your friend back. Might as well start letting them go. I tried my best. Doctor Chris, out. [/quote]
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