Welcome to another Unofficial Weekly Update. While you wait for the real update to drop, here is something to pass the time.
Today's Poll: What's you favorite part about #UnofficialWeeklyUpdate?
Welcome back after the Thanksgiving break! I truly hope yours was as grand as mine was! This week I decided to interview one of the lesser known minions of the world of Destiny. I sent a call out, and got a response back from a random Dreg! So, ladies and gentleman...a...Dreg...
[b]So Mr. uhhh...Dreg?[/b]
My friends call me Gerd, Max! Or they would if I had any!
[b]Gerd huh? Alright then. Tell me about being a Fallen foot soldier.[/b]
Hmmm. I don't really know where to start...AH! You've probably noticed that we are generally in the vicinity of a Fallen Captain! Those are the four arm dudes that shoot you with flaming shotguns!
[b]Yep...we know that...[/b]
Excellent! Well, the Fallen mantra to war is as follows: Something scary in front of your soldiers? Put something even scarier behind them!
[b]Which means...?[/b]
Fallen Captains have no problem executing a Dreg before a fight. Or even during a fight! Or even for no reason whatsoever! This way, we have inspiration to not run away as you Guardians leisurely cut us to pieces! Never run from battle unless the Captain says so, you'll be shot! Never run from a battle even IF the Captain says so, you'll be shot. Don't NOT run from a battle if the Captain says so because then he'll just shoot you for insubordination! Actually, you can get shot by the Captain for all sorts of reasons! I knew a Dreg once who sniffled just before some Guardians were within a mile of us. The Captain shot him in the back for being a sickly wussbag. Then he shot another Dreg who jumped at the noise! And then shot another one who happened to be looking at the whole thing because he was “easily distracted!” Then there was this time where a Captain shot a Dreg for staring off into space. Captain said he “lacked focus” but I think he just wanted to shoot someone. AND THEN there was this time where another Dreg I knew got shot because he needed to pee.
[b]He needed to pee?[/b]
YUP! There's no time to pee when you might get shot at.
[b]But he got shot anyway...[/b]
Nobody said it makes any sense! However, everyone says to do what your Captain says! Even if it is blitheringly stupid, and will clearly result in the complete annihilation of your squad! Better to get shot following orders than to get shot NOT following orders I say!
[b]So, you either get shot by Guardians or shot by your Captain?[/b]
We can also get shot by Vex, or Hive, or even Cabal!
[b]That's pretty grimdark man...[/b]
A Dreg's life expectancy is super low! In fact, according to recent statistics, the fact that I have lived through a whole two Guardian encounters, as well as two “other” engagements suggests that I am an experienced veteran Dreg. Or that my Captain is a complete failure. Or was killed! Most Dregs never even bother to give names because they probably won't last long, and, why learn someone's name if they're just going to get shot? My Captain calls me “Hey You,” or “Dammit!”
[b]Seems like “death by gunshot” is a pretty common Dreg casualty...[/b]
Death by gunshot is on my death certificate!
[b]You have a death certificate?[/b]
Of course I do! Every Dreg gets a death certificate when he signs up for military service! And they all say “death by gunshot,” because that's how we mostly die! As completely expendable assets, it's just easier to assume we are going to die. That way, the paperwork is already taken care of! Fallen military is a thing of rigid efficiency.
[b]What if you don't die by gunshot?[/b]
Then the Captain shoots you for insubordination! I saw a Dreg get mauled to death by a Hive Thrall once, and the Captain shot the Thrall, and then shot the Dreg for dying by a reason other than gunshot.
[b]But the Dreg was already dead, wasn't he?[/b]
Well, the Dreg was already dying. The Captain just helped the situation along! It was also merciful and deserved!
[b]Okay then...Uh...So why exactly do you all sign up for the military if getting shot and killed is pretty much a guarantee? [/b]
Because of the benefits!
[b]Benefits?![/b]
The Fallen military offers the very best Health Care and Educational programs in the Galaxy!
[b]If you get shot and killed you don't get to take advantage of those benefits![/b]
Of course I do! I can't get sick if I get shot and killed right? If I do get sick, the Captain will just shoot me! Perfect health! I learn to follow orders! Perfect education! Why bother learning anything when those who know more than you can just tell you what to do?
[b]Dear god...you seem awfully cheerful...[/b]
The currency of the Kell is life, and he spends it freely! I live to serve a Kell I'll probably never meet! It is such an honor! Does the Kell have a problem? Throw enough bodies at it, and it'll eventually get solved! It's a perfect strategy, and I am grateful to be a part of it!
[b]Wow. Okay, so uh...what do you do during your down time? [/b]
Silly human! There is no downtime! We are required to stand in place for as long as it takes for us to get shot at. Then we have to shoot back! Unless the Captain shoots us. Then we were probably being insubordinate and deserved it!
[b]How does anyone get promoted with your military structure?![/b]
SIMPLE! If we survive long enough, we might get promoted to Vandal! Then we get to use a wire rifle! That a 6% increased chance to kill something before you get shot! Of course, then your life expectancy goes even further down because as a Vandal you become a “priority target!” But who cares?! You get a wire rifle! That kills things!
[b]Okay then...Last question: if you could change anything about Destiny, what would it be?[/b]
Free thinking is considered heresy by the Captain, and thus, I cannot answer your question!
[b]Let me guess, because you'll get shot?[/b]
Exactly!
Well, there you have it folks, words from Gerd the Dreg himself!
Xur showed up at the Tower last week bringing with him a bunch of exotic shards! They were actually armor, but at this point, given the garbage that he's been bringing lately, the only reason to actually buy his crap anymore is to get exotic shards. Weapons don't really seem to be his thing anymore as he hasn't sold a weapon in who knows how long. Xur has been a major disappointment for many in the community, as where he was once the mighty exotic salesman, he has as of late been reduced to a bad investment of Strange Coins.
Bungie announced that in addition to the weapons tuning that is coming with the upcoming patch, some new exotics from year one would be coming out as well. You can go here http://www.eurogamer.net/articles/2015-11-23-destiny-bringing-forward-more-year-one-exotics to see what is coming back! Players are excited to see the year one favorite MIDA Multi-Tool returning, and Crucible sniper fanatics are gushing about No Land Beyond making a return. Dragon's breath is seeing a lot of hype as well with one player saying, “Dragon's Breath plus Taikonaut? Yes please!” Another player however was quoted as saying, “With the exception of the MIDA and Armemenatrium, these were all dumpster fire exotics, why should we be excited to see them come back?” Bungie has stated that these year one exotics would be receiving some updates to their perks (much like the SUROS Regime) but it remains to be seen what will actually change on these.
Bungie also sneakily released the first King's Fall challenge on Tuesday. The challenge was to defeat the Warpriest using different aura holders. It was destroyed by many without them even realizing the challenge was active, and as such, was met with a collective groan from the community. One poster said, “Really Bungie? THAT was the challenge?!” The rewards are mighty, however, with the elusive 320 artifact and a 320 secondary or heavy weapon as part of the loot. And these are guaranteed 320 rolls. Also, there is an emblem, and one of the three remaining Calcified Fragments (leading many to wonder what happens when all 50 are obtained). Not too shabby honestly! It remains to be seen how long the challenge is active, but many people are speculating that the challenges will work on a weekly basis, changing at reset much like the Court of Oryx Antiquated Runes. Bungie hinted at a tougher Golgoroth fight in the Weekly Update, saying, “...(but apologies in advance to those that run the single-pool strat for Golgoroth).”
Bungie announced a new feature in Destiny: the Refer-a-Friend program. Basically, it allows veteran players to work with new players to help them through various challenging aspects such as Nightfalls and Heroic strikes in exchange for exclusive loot like new emotes, a shader, a Sparrow and a title. While the idea is a pretty neat idea, the community has not seemed to embrace it very well. One poster was quoted as saying, “So the one friend that I raid regularly with I won't get to high five, but the random I spam with messages on patrol in the Cosmodrome I can?” It remains to be seen how successful the program will be, but with Christmas right around the corner, Destiny being a year old at this point and AAA blockbusters such as Fallout 4, Black Ops III and Battlefront on many people's wish lists, one does not have high hopes that it will be as successful as Bungie hopes. Perhaps those upgrading from last gen to current gen might benefit most from this program.
Well, that's all we have time for this week Guardians! Thanks you as always for reading, and remember to keep those guns piping hot and those Strange Coins handy! I'll see you in the wild!
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It's not just the wacky interview (and I love them)... it's the whole package. I always liked the what Xûr brought, what the trending threads are, and the "we reached out to Bungie for comments" stuff... you're always saying we're thinking... it [i]may[/i] be tongue-in-cheek, but it's true... and that's what makes it so funny. Keep up the good work brother ;)
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Great interview, but why didn't Halo 5 get mentioned as a blockbuster if BO3 was on the list?
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2 RepliesEdited by Finn: 12/5/2015 12:19:46 AM10/10 best interview
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1 ReplyLoved it.
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1 ReplyOh god. :( i felt so sorry for the Dreg! Great work Max!
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1 ReplyThanks for your HILARIOUS unofficial weekly updates. Much better than the official ones. This is one of the things I look forward to reading on the forums.
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1 ReplyKeep 'em coming, man. These are great!
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1 ReplyI'm never killing another dreg again. Captains and vandals only from now on.
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1 ReplyI actually feel bad now for all does dregs I have killed in the wild :( poor souls, they never had a chance. RIP
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4 RepliesNice and funny. Hope you had a good thanksgiving
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2 RepliesLittle beknownst to all of you that dregs are the superior species....perhaps you didn't notice, but dregs are the only species that could actively fight against the TAKEN. Or did you not notice then lack of taken dregs?
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2 RepliesERH MEH [i]GERD[/i]!!! IT'S GERD!
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1 ReplyNice to see that someone else see's Xur as a wormy trash can.
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1 ReplyGreat work Max, these are more interesting than the actual updates
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2 RepliesThe interview had me dying at work. Keep it up Max
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1 ReplyHah those Dregs can really put life into perspective.
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1 ReplyReally enjoy these- keep them coming. I for one don't lose focus after a paragraph or two, so just keep calling it like you see it.
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1 ReplyAnother great update max, don't listen to the hate these people put out it seems to be going viral on the forms lately. keep up the great work. and always remember to watch out for falling children when around the tower. eyes up and fight the good fight guardian
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1 Reply
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2 RepliesGreat post as always Maximus, keep up the good work guardian!
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I almost died laughing so hard lmao
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10 RepliesI enjoy it all/ when I read I have a ball/ and reading during study hall is always a good call/ when pone replies I get nice and tall/ I might break a bone then if I fall Weiner Hut Jr. Employee of the month Out!
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The key to wit is brevity I.e. Keep it Short. You need to edit all that down to just the necessary words. I'm sure it's hilarious I just skipped to the end after the 1st thousand words
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5 RepliesHas anyone noticed that the dregs name backwards *Gerd* is dreg? Lol
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First time I've actually looked at one of these, holy shit your humour is dry.