originally posted in:The Collective Anomaly
Okay, seeing as how I'd want constructive criticism with my original work, I figure I'll offer some to you, so just to inform you ahead of time, this is for your benefit, and by no means am I trying to instill failure in you.
Let's start with the cons: I only noticed a few misspelling errors, but the matter that I want to address above all else is finding a balance between simple sentences and more complex ones that utilize compound thoughts. Often times, words referring to your character are used repeatedly. One of the most effective ways to negate the overuse of words is combining sentences. For instance in your piece above:
"I stepped to the edge and scratched my close-cut beard. I looked down below. A few hundred feet down was a huge lake."
...can be revised to read something along the lines of...
"Stepping to the edge, I scratched my close-cut beard, looking to a huge lake a few hundred feet below."
By doing so, you've significantly decreased the repetition and created more flow with fewer sentences, especially if you do this more often throughout. Don't worry, it takes a little practice, and sometimes I still have to watch myself closely. Keep in mind, short sentences can be far more powerful than long, complicated ones, like your closing sentence, "Just another day for the Larvali."
Another point I want to address is that, from what I could infer, this appears to be a fantasy, with the ancient warrior order, torches, and castles suggesting that kind of world. While I'm not necessarily recommending you have your characters speak in a formal Old English sort of manner, certain phrases detract from the atmosphere you'd experience in a fantasy because they fit more in a modern 21st century kind of atmosphere. With that being said, this is a stylistic preference, so in the end, that part's up to you.
As far as pros go, I have to say you did well to introduce your character, all the while leaving a lot of mystery about this world, its culture, people, and contents. You've teased us about this warrior order that this Larvali is part of. You suggested that there must be a vast amount of skill required when you mentioned he trained the guards and also when he dispatched the assassin. Knowing more about this Serma and the history behind what has been presented is still a curiosity that a hooked reader would want to learn more about. So in that sense, you've done well to create more questions in the reader's mind than answers, which is a good way to start a story.
Overall, I'm curious to see where you go with this. I have a fantasy in the works as well. In fact, it's been my oldest story concept, standing at around ten years old or so. It wasn't until last summer I decided to start putting it through an official development phase. Sometime, I'll put the little pieces in here. While I appreciate what reviews I did get, I'd like to get some more feedback on it.
Keep it up, Strogger. You could have something going for you here, although I don't know what the game you say inspired this is.
English
-
Thank you so much. Reading this brought a huge smile to my face, and I greatly appreciate the help. But could you offer an example of a sentence that seems too modern? Right now, I'd rather not have my characters speak an Old English dialect, but I also don't want them saying anything that only someone from our current day and age would say. That makes sense, right?
-
Edited by SaviorsBlood: 6/14/2015 11:45:45 PMYou're welcome. I hope it does help. I can think of two examples, toward the end. The assassin saying "screw you" sounds very modern. I believe even saying "f**k you" passes as an even older insult that says the same thing. Another example is in the same area: "If you reach for that sword with your other hand, I swear to God I will break more than just your arm.” In this case, what makes it detract from a fantasy is the use of "I swear to God". For one, fantasies typically have entirely different deities, but the primary point of this is the exact phrase, "I swear to God", which is a modern structure to what could be said in fantasy, "I swear by the gods" or "I swear by the name of god" if it's a monotheistic culture. It could even be more catchy if your character fits the bill, and says something like "I swear by all of the gods you and your victims pray to", so that it's even more personally directed at who he's conversing with. One thing I forgot to mention is that you should double space some segments so it's easier on the eyes. In ordinary pages like on MIcrosoft Word, I would say indenting is fine enough, but you can't do that in bungie.net, but that's about the extent of what I have to offer.
-
Thanks so much man. You're great. And I just noticed I accidentally cut out the first paragraph :P When I put that in, could you do me a favor and tell me if it's worse or better with it? Thanks again.
-
You're welcome, and I will. Just get on the chat and let me know when you got it edited.