[quote]Let's pretend for a moment that zombies are real (as if half of you weren't already daydreaming about that very thing). Have you noticed how most zombie movies take place only after the apocalypse is in full-swing? By the time we join our survivors, the military and government are already wiped out, and none of the streets are safe.
There's a reason the movie starts there, and not earlier. It's because the early part, where we go from one zombie to millions, doesn't make any sense. If you let the creeping buzzkill of logic into the zombie party, you realize the zombies would all be re-dead long before you even got a chance to fire up that chainsaw motorcycle you've been working on. Why?[/quote]
-[b] They Have Too Many Natural Predators[/b]
[spoiler]We are simply too smart and too well-armed for any wild animal to hunt. Now consider the poor zombie. It lacks every single advantage that has kept humanity from being eaten to extinction. It wanders around in the open, it can't use weapons, it can't think or use strategy. It doesn't even have the sense of self preservation to run and hide when it's in danger. And, it's made entirely out of food. It's easy prey for any animal that wants it.
If you're saying, "Sure, but it's not like my city is full of bears that can come eat all the zombies," you need to think smaller. Insects are a major pain in the ass for living humans, and in some cases, being able to swat away flies and having an immune system is the only thing keeping us from having our eyes and tongues eaten out by maggots. Zombies in any part of the world with a fly problem are going to be swarming with maggots in short order, meaning that most of their soft tissues will be infested, and their eyes will be very quickly useless.[/spoiler]
-[b]They Can't Take The Heat[/b]
[spoiler] The first concern is putrefaction. Thanks to the plethora of bacteria we use in our colon for digesting plant matter, called gut flora, our bodies are ripe for decay the second our heart stops. Since heat speeds the growth of bacteria (which are plenty happy to start feasting on you once your immune system is no longer a concern) the zombie's got a looming expiration date the very second it turns. [/spoiler]
-[b]They Can't Handle The Cold[/b]
[spoiler] After enough exposure, a dead body is going to be frozen solid and not chasing down any screaming victims, no matter how delicious and Rascal Scooter-bound they might be. It's also safe to assume that zombies wandering around in a wintry wonderland are not going to be wrapped air-tight in plastic like we do with food, so freezer burn becomes an issue. Seriously. The same thing that ruins your ice cream also ruins the Undead Onslaught. The freezing of the flesh at night, combined with partial thaw during warmer days, then refreezing again sets up the perfect conditions for the onset of freezer burn, which results in the cells dehydrating as water evaporates, even when frozen solid. Freezer burned meat isn't just dead, it's destroyed. [/spoiler]
-[b]Biting Is A Terrible Way To Spread Disease[/b]
[spoiler] Hey, remember that time when that dog got rabies, and then a day later, every single other dog on the continent had it, except for a small band of survivors huddled in a basement? No? That never happened? [/spoiler]
-[b]They Can't Heal From Day To Day Damage[/b]
[spoiler] One advantage to having a fully-functioning central nervous system is that it also does a damn good job of letting you know you've been damaged. It does this by way of pain. Think about all the paper cuts, stubbed toes and nut shots you have suffered in your life. Now imagine they never healed, just sat there and rotted while you continued to rack up other paper cuts, stubbed toes and nut shots. Pretty much every wound you've ever had would end with an amputation. One thing we know about zombies from Romero and Fulci is that they are a clumsy lot, walking into doors and helicopter blades without a second thought about what kind of damage they are suffering. [/spoiler]
-[b] The Landscape Is Full Of Zombie-Proof Barriers[/b]
[spoiler] The zombies' lack of coordination, along with the inability to see in the dark (we haven't had any infrared zombies yet, but holy shit! We call dibs on the idea) is going to spell the doom of countless zombies in any area outside of a parking lot. This is a group that doesn't know how to find roads or bridges. They just go wandering off aimlessly. Mountains, major rivers and canyons would thus quickly be home to piles of broken zombie rags stinking up the scenic views. Even if zombies had the foresight to not walk over cliffs or into raging rapids during the day, nightfall would result in most eventually walking into rivers, over cliffs and off of bridges, diminishing their numbers. [/spoiler]
-[b]Weapons And The People Who Use Them[/b]
[spoiler] There were over 14 million people hunting with a license in the U.S. in 2004. At a minimum, that's like an armed force the size of the great Los Angeles area.
Remember, the whole reason hunting licenses exist is to limit the number of animals you're allowed to kill, because if you just declared free reign for everybody with a gun, everything in the forest would be dead by sundown. Even the trees would be mounted proudly above the late-arriving hunter's mantles. It's safe to assume that when the game changes from "three deer" to "all the rotting dead people trying to eat us," there will be no shortage of volunteers.
Not to mention law enforcement and the military, and the people who own firearms who don't hunt. [/spoiler]
Edit: I forgot to link the source. Lol
http://www.cracked.com/article_18683_7-scientific-reasons-zombie-outbreak-would-fail-quickly.html
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So all I need to do is hide in a basement with no windows, locked doors, and generally safe from the outside world playing destiny and I am good?
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Necrobump
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https://loe.org/images/content/091023/Zombie%20Publication.pdf It would depend. With all the scenarios in this article a lot of humans would die fast, and in some cases all humans die.
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4 RepliesActually, it depends on the nature of the zombies. If they're the ones who are actually the dead re-animated, (graves bursting open), then there will be billions more zombies than the living. Despite the initial difficulties of exiting the coffins, the number of zombies will be at critical levels immediately.
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10 RepliesEdited by L E G E N D9602: 3/18/2015 4:09:58 AMZombies don't have to sleep. They don't need to eat. They can keep going for hours, where as humans have to rest. They also need shelter. And humans need food to survive. If there is a shortage of food, people will have to go outside to retrive it, and then get eaten. Humans also are afraid of Zombies, which gives Zombies an edge when they are in numbers. An average person doesn't have a great ability with firearms, nor can they obtain them easily. Especially when all hell breaks loose. When everyone is out hunting zombies. We are not producing food. So food will run out fairly quickly. A a military base also doesn't produce bullets. Ammo will eventually run out, as more people are infected. You can only fire your gun for so long. Also some zombies are fast like in World war Z. Those fast types are truly dangerous.
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9 RepliesEdited by Uberfonzie: 3/18/2015 2:05:49 PMThe problem with denying zombies is that there are [i]so many different forms of zombies[/i]. You've got you classic virus that speads through bites/scratches, then you've got those that spread through blood/saliva, or those that are airborne, or waterborne, and then you've got virus that simply make you go batshit, viruses that only infect the dead, you've got bacteria, you've got fungi (TLOU FTW), man made diseases (The Stand FTW too), the supernatural, head crabs, ect...
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Valid points.
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If this bums you out because you secretly wanted zombies. Check out a study they did where they checked how a zombie infection would spread in certain towns. Big cities spread halfway across the US quickly.
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2 RepliesCan I have 2 please? I'll call them Vic and Bob. I promise to clean their hutch regularly and feed them every day.
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5 RepliesThe winner is the stick [spoiler]break the stick, it becomes two sticks[/spoiler]
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16 RepliesFungus zombies? Biting wouldn't be the only method of spreading, then. Also, a few of the things here (such as the maggots) don't matter because they're already dead. And zombies seem to be pretty good at smelling and hearing, so sight isn't really a problem.
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3 RepliesHaha great post. That was helpful and educational. I feel much better now that I don't have to fear the zombie apocalypse scenario.
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1 ReplyThe world is suddenly a smaller, less scary place, and it makes me sad.....
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That's great. Oh and my English teacher also works for cracked
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Good post, can't wait to crash the next zombie movie hit. I'm not really into the genre.
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Cross-species virus would decimate humans.
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2 RepliesCan't I just plant some pea plants and sunflowers on my lawn?
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Depends what kind of zombie you are talking about. If it's Walking Dead type, then yes it fail. If it's World War Z type zombies, then we're -blam!-ed. Especially if their flesh can contaminate all species. Imagine if the insects that land on their flesh can carry the disease, we'd all be zombies in a couple of months.
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for the tl;dr ppl, he basically said that one zombie is too weak to cause a spread before it gets killed somehow. unless of course we're all on that one autistic day
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1 ReplyThis just summarized why I think the Zombie fad, craze, genre - whatever you want to call it - is really fücking dumb.
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1 ReplyOp is not fgt for once [spoiler]op is always fgt, silly people[/spoiler]
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1 ReplyWait, what if it can infect multiple species? If a human zombie is killed, scavengers will eat it. Predators will eat the scavengers, humans might accidentally eat infected meat. Humans become infected.
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5 RepliesMy hopes and dreams of living in a zombie apocalypse are crushed.
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1 ReplyLET ME DREAM, DAMMIT!
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1 ReplyRemember, unless the pandemic is an extinction event, historically the survivors always end up better off. Death makes resources and land cheaper by reducing demand and increases the value of labor. Bring on the zombies.