originally posted in:The Collective Anomaly
This gave me a good chuckle. There are some grammar issues scattered throughout, also, try double spacing when you have people talking. It's easier for the reader to follow, I would also [i]italicize[/i] his thoughts. One more thing, try breaking up that long wall of text.
With every 3-5 sentences, start a new paragraph. It will help it look more "clean" and the reader shouldn't get lost as easily.
Like I said, I enjoyed it and it defiantly made me smirk. Let me know when chapter 2 is out! Hope this helps!
English
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Alot of the spacing issues came from translating it from word, ill try to pay better attention to that xD
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It's all good. It's a good read.