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4/22/2014 1:56:40 AM
90
Stories about being Bullied.
*THE POINT: If you have ever been bullied by somebody in school, please share if you would like to.*
When I was in School, I was not a really sociable person. I was very shy, and kinda insecure about myself. Naturally I became a target for the narrow minded children of that time. Outside of the usual name calling, I was beaten, pushed down, de-humanized, and down right treated like an animal.
When I was in 8th grade a kid walked up to me and just started punching me in the face. I don't know why to this day, it was horrifying watching a circle forming around you with about 30 other kids screaming, and laughing. It felt like being a pit with a giant spot light directly on you. And there is absolutely nothing that you can do to get out of it.
On top of that, I was constantly told that I was worthless. I was nothing more than a waste of meat and I would always be that way. Now, I know that is not true--but at that time, when you're told that enough--you start to believe it. I dreaded going back to school, I looked for ANY excuse to stay home. I cried myself to sleep many nights, hoping and praying that it would all just go away. So that I could fade into obscurity, and recover what was left of my soul.
But still, it came. And the more I stood by and did nothing, the worse it got. There were times where I fought back and won. I was proud of myself, but then it came right back again.
My school could do nothing. All they could do was put them in suspension, or call their parents. But that just made things worse, either their parents whispering in their ear, or a misplaced sense of revenge cause them to lash back.
...By that time, I have had enough of it. I wanted it all to end in one fail swoop.
When I was in 9th grade, I was planning to kill myself. I had it all planned out, I would leave a long note beside me, take lots of painkillers (or whatever there was) and just drift away overnight.
There I was, seconds away from popping the first pill. Then something happened, everything around me faded and I saw something. It was like a voice in a cold silence and it spoke to me.
It told me that "this is not how you will end. There is much more to life than what you're feeling now. You will go on, have a blessed life, you will have a family, a loving wife, children, and everything that you have experienced will have no hold over you anymore."
I dont know why I believed it, but I did. I put those things away and believed it.
____________________________
Now here I am. Almost a decade later, I am graduating college, I am getting married this June to my absolute Best Friend ever!
...And absolutely NONE of the things that I have gone through have held me back once. I was so afraid of life here, that I was willing to cut it short. It was but a fragment of the life that I will live. If somebody tells you that you're nothing, they are wrong! You're a human, your life has meaning! Let NOBODY on this planet tell you otherwise.
Because somebody out there loves you.
-
Haha back in elementary school people hated me. I was definitely lacking in the basic social skills most people seem to inherently have. People were massive dicks to me always ganging up on me. Even the teachers were giving it a go. I forgive them though. I've been going to a pretty chill private school since 7th, and since then I've learned an incredible amount about people and social skills and stuff. It's amazing what can happen when people know how to be kind and teach each-other rather than just scold and ostracize. Nowadays, I'm pretty good with people in general and I learned a lot about dealing with anxiety and stress from those hard years, which has served me these past couple of difficult and conflicted years, and will probably serve me in my future trials if I do decide to transition, but that's a whole other story... [spoiler]A little bit about being a lesbian trans person is that it's so hard to be taken seriously. People seem to think one of four things when I tell them who I feel I am: 1. They think I'm straight-up confused gender-wise, and there's no such thing as a lesbian trans woman and I must be a straight male. 2. They think I must be a trans girl that's into guys, and I just haven't found my sexual identity yet. 3. They think I'm a male with an "autogynophilia" fetish, which means I get my sexual kicks from fantasizing about being a woman. I've pondered this and found it to be false at least for me. 4. They call me a -blam!- and tell me I'm -blam!-ed in the head (I stop talking to those people.) Honestly, being 16 and having all this going through my head, on top of other home and school and ASB and life planning and social responsibilities, is an absolute mind-blam!-. Sometimes I just stuff my face into my pillow for some good old fashioned therapeutic pillow yelling, which helps at least a bit. I digress. Going back to the original point - honestly, bullies and trolls are the absolute least of my worries nowadays. Bigger fish to fry.[/spoiler] As for suicide? I had pondered it far back in the elementary days, it may seem edgy but the sweet release of death was a very real option for me. I always decided against it. "You're better than this" I'd think to myself. "One day you'll rise above them and be a better person for it - better than any of them. Don't just let a couple hundred degenerates murder you. If you're gone, they win. Fight for your life!" And fight I did. Now, I look back and I feel sorry for those people. If anything, they're victims of their environment. I don't regret leaving. Well, that's a rough summary of my experience with bullying. Unfortunately, I'm likely to deal with it all my life, but human nature is just that way sometimes. The best you can do is crack a sharky smile at all of our imperfections and continue being beautiful, indifferent to hatred and intolerance. The way I see it, in my atheist pseudo-Buddhist philosophy, In our final moments we all reflect on our lives and I want to be proud of who I am and what I've done, and die pleased with the way I lived my life.
