Has anyone seen me on Letterman? Two million people watch that show and I don't know where they are. You might have seen this next comedian on the Late Show, but I think more people have seen me at the store. That should be my introduction. "You might have seen this next comedian at the store," and people would say "Hell yes I have!" It's hard to fight when you're in a gazebo. I don't like grouper fish. Well, they're okay. They hang around star fish. Because they're grouper fish A dog came to my door, so I gave him a bone, the dog took the bone into the back yard and buried it. I'm going to go plant a tree there, with bones on it, then the dog will come back and say, "Shoot! It worked! I must distribute these bones equally for I have a green paw!" I like cottage cheese. That's why I want to try other dwelling cheeses, too. How about studio apartment cheese? Tent cheese? Mobile home cheese? Do not eat mobile home cheese in a tornado. I'm an ice sculptor. Last night I made a cube. I went to the airport, I put my bag in the x-ray I went to the airport, I put my bag in the x-ray machine, I found out my bag has cancer. It only has six more months to hold stuff That would be cool if the earth's crust was made out of graham cracker. It would disappear just like the ozone layer, but for completely different reasons. Magicians disappear all the time, but as soon as a regular person does it, everyone is all scared. "Tom's gone!" "Is he a magician?" "No." "Then let's print up some flyers!" I tried to throw a yo-yo away. It was impossible. A sleeping bag is a tortilla for a human. I rented a car. I didn't really need one, I just wanted to make one less available. I wanted one businessman on the bus with no car. I went to a restaurant, and I saw a guy wearing a leather jacket, eating a hamburger, drinking a glass of milk. I said, "Dude, you are a cow. The metamorphosis is complete. Don't fall asleep or I will tip you over!" My girlfriend works at Hooters. In the kitchen. I've never been to a hotel with a rotating restaurant on top, but one time I took my girlfriend to a merry-go-round, and I gave her a burrito. I think a rotisserie is a really morbid Ferris wheel for chickens. We will take a chicken, impale it, and then rotate it. Spinning chicken carcasses make my mouth water. I like dizzy chickens! Some comics get drunk before a show. I don't. When I get drunk, I don't want to stand in front of a bunch of people that I don't know. That does not sound comfortable. Why have all these people gathered? And why am I elevated and not facing the same way as everyone else? And what is this electric stick in my hand? I want a chair too! This one guy said, "Look at that girl. She's got a nice butt." I said, "Yeah, I bet she can sit down excellently!" I would imagine the inside of a bottle of cleaning fluid is really clean. I would imagine a vodka bottle is really drunk. This one commercial said, "Forget everything you know about slipcovers." So I did, and it was a load off of my mind. Then the commercial tried to sell slipcovers, but I didn't know what they were! I'm a hard act to follow, because when I'm done, I take the microphone with me. I wear a necklace now because I like to know when I'm upside down I read that MTV's Real World got 40,000 applications. That's amazing, such an even number. You would have thought it would be 40,008. As a comedian, you have to start the show strong and you have to end the show strong. Those are the two key elements. You can't be like pancakes. You're all happy at first, but then by the end, you're sick of 'em. I saw a billboard for the lottery. It said, "Estimated lottery jackpot 55 million dollars." I did not know that was estimated. That would suck if you won and they said, "Oh, we were off by two zeroes. We estimate that you are angry." If you can't sleep, count sheep. Don't count endangered animals. You will run out. I want to rob a bank with a BB gun. "Give me all your money or I will give you a dimple! I will be rich, you will be cute. We both win." I can read minds, but I'm illiterate. If Spiderman was real, and I was a criminal, and he shot me with his web, I would say, "Dude, thanks for the hammock." I got a belt on that's holding up my pants, and the pants have belt loops that hold up the belt. What's going on here? Who is the real hero? Kittens play with yarn, they bat it around. What they're really doing is saying, "I can't knit, get this away from me!" If you don't know a light bulb is a three-way light bulb, it messes with your head. You reach to turn it off, and it just gets brighter! That's the exact opposite of what I wanted you to do! So you turn the switch again, and it gets brighter once more! I will break you, light bulb! I went to a restaurant with my friend, and he said, "Pass the salt." I said, "Screw you! Sit closer to the salt." You know when you see an advertisement for a casino, and they have a picture of a guy winning money? That's false advertising, because that happens the least. That's like if you're advertising a hamburger, they could show a guy choking. "This is what happened once." I have a Sharpie. I love Sharpies. You know what they say on them? Not for letter writing. That sucks. Now I have to communicate with my dad using numbers. If a drink was ice cold, it would be impossible to drink. Because it would be solid. Here's a drink, Mitch - it's ice cold. I guess I could lick it. I don't get the regular AIDS test anymore. I get the roundabout AIDS test. I ask my friend Brian, "Do you know anybody who has AIDS?". He says, "No". I say, "Cool, because you know me." I saw a lady on TV, she was born without arms. That's sad, but then they said, "Lola does not know the meaning of the word 'can't'." That, to me, is even worse in a way. Not only is she missing arms, but she doesn't understand simple contractions. It's easy, Lola - you just take two words, put them together, take out the middle letters, put in a comma, and you raise it up! I did a radio interview; the DJ's first question was "Who are you?" I had to think. Is this guy really deep, or did I drive to the wrong station? I like when they say a movie is inspired by a true story. That's kind of silly. "Hey, Mitch, did you hear that story about that lady who drove her car into the lake with her kids and they all drowned?" "Yeah, I did, and you know what - that inspires me to write a movie about a gorilla!" I saw a seagull hanging out by a lake, but I said, "Don't worry, Dude. I won't say anything." When you're doing a show on stage, and they show you a red light, that means you have 5 minutes left. At some clubs, they hold a candle up in the back. That's the worst method. You're up here, and then you see a floating candle. "Oh, no! This place is haunted!" I can't be funny when I'm frightened. I was at a concert in LA, and the band was having an off night, and some people in the audience started throwing tomatoes at the band. Now who would throw tomatoes at the band? That's bad. But who would bring a tomato to a show? That's worse. Don't throw tomatoes at the band. What if they really like tomatoes? They'll think you're enjoying the show. "You guys are great - here's a tomato!" The tomato is the universal sign for not enjoying a performance. Plus I like it on sandwiches! I had the guy at Subway put tomatoes on my sandwich because I didn't like the way he was making it. I don't know what that meant there. That was ad-libbed. I'm a mumbler. If I'm walking with a friend, and I say something, he says, "What?" So I say it again, and he says, "What?" Really, it's just some insignificant stuff I'm saying, but now I'm yelling, "That tree is far away!" I was walking down the street with a friend, and he said, "I hear music." As if there was any other way you can take it in. That's how I receive it too. You're not special. I had my palm read. I wrote something on it first to see if she would read that too. I thought my teeth were white until I washed my face with Noxzema. My teeth are off-white. I'm not even white. I'm off-white. It's a new race; we will prevail I was going to stay overnight at my friend's house - he said, "you'll have to sleep on the floor." Damn gravity! You don't know how bad I wanted to sleep on the wall. Dogs are forever in the push-up position. I haven't slept for ten days, because that would be too long. I'm against picketing, but I don't know how to show it. It's very dangerous to wave to people you don't know because what if they don't have a hand? They'll think you're cocky. Look what I have. This thing is useful. I'm gonna go pick something up. I wrote a letter to my Dad - I wrote, "I really enjoy being here," but I accidentally wrote rarely instead of really. But I still wanted to use it, so I wrote, "I rarely drive steamboats, Dad - there's a lot of stuff you don't know about me. Quit trying to act like I'm a steamboat operator." This letter took a harsh turn right away. Every McDonald's commercial ends the same way: Prices and participation may vary. I wanna open a McDonald's and not participate in anything. I wanna be a stubborn McDonald's owner. "Cheeseburgers?" "Nope! We got spaghetti, and blankets." Alcoholism is a disease, but it's the only one you can get yelled at for having. Goddamn it Otto, you are an alcoholic! Goddamn it Otto, you have Lupus! One of those two doesn't sound right. People teach their dogs to sit, it's a trick. I've been sitting my whole life, and a dog has never looked at me as though he thought I was tricky. A severed foot is the ultimate stocking stuffer. If you had a friend who was a tightrope walker, and you were walking down a sidewalk, and he fell, that would be completely unacceptable. A couple of his lines are definitely being sigged....