[quote]“Ow. That hurt” Fraya cried out as she landed heavily in the dirt, her blade crashed to the ground next to her. “I told you to concentrate on your balence,” Baret offered a hand to help her up. “I know, I know”, she grabbed his hand as she stood up, ”I never saw it coming,” she dusted herself off. Baret smiled as she stood up, “I think that’s enough for now, we’ll continue your training tomorrow. Go and get tidied up for dinner. Go on get going.” Fraya blushed as she sheathed her blade and cursed herself inwardly for doing so. “Same time?” “Same time, and don’t be late this time.” Baret said to her as she turned to make her way back to her quarters.[/quote] You may want to break up your pattern in here. You have an action following or preceding every piece of dialog, which sounds contrived. Try grouping some of the actions and dialog together so they don't break each other up. As for the rest, use commas to combine sentences. You didn't have any that I saw besides the ones used with the dialog, which made the ideas in the story seem disjointed, unconnected. The story also needs to be a bit more down to earth 9this is just opinion here). It seemed to light-hearted, without anything to really connect with or care about. And finally, Fraya didn't seem to have enough personality. I should be a critic. Lord knows I'm enough of an ass. [Edited on 2/23/2005 2:54:37 PM]