________ "This just in on CBS News: We’ve just received a shocking new development from Bungie - the Destiny Live Team has decided to add warning labels to certain weapons in the game, hereby organizing which weapons may trigger outbursts of rage from the victims they gun down in PVP. Another sweeping decision brought the developers to then rename the 'Patrol' activities to 'Trigger-Free Zones', where players can go to cool off after raging their shit out in the Crucible. Researchers are now looking into how to potentially maximize this incessant flow of gamer tears with the 2.1.0 update in order to curb the dwindling levels of the Earth's salt supply. More on this from Gene who happens to be live at the scene. Gene? That’s right, Diane, I'm reporting live from the Bonneville Salt Flats, here in Tooele, Utah. What you see before me now is a vast expanse of land covered in the extra-virgin tears of gamers worldwide. It had previously dried up during the previous Destiny patch, which left the tourism here much to be desired. However, the drop of 2.1.0 renewed interest in the Flats - gamers everywhere began making their solemn pilgrimages once more. What will basically happen here, Diane, is a filthy casual will take a long journey to this location, most likely on their hands and knees. They travel here in order to deposit their tears into this incredibly large, natural basin. They will usually bring their broken controllers, mutilated headsets, and cracked Xbox 360s and bury them in the salty mush of their weepy drips. It is here where gamers repent of their sins and vow to move forward with a renewed sense of hope - deciding to take up real weapons once more - such as fusion rifles and sidearms. Wait just a minute, Diane, it seems we have a gamer right over here making a deposit! 'Sir, excuse me, sir! What are you doing?' 'I'm giving up.' 'Giving up what? Please explain to our viewers!' 'Well, this is my third or fourth time coming here. My first was when they nerfed Suros Regime... *sniff* I still remember it like it was yesterday. My 20th Anniversary Playstation 4 controller... literally snapped it in half. I couldn't believe it! How could they take away my baby!?' 'I'm so sorry, sir. And today.. what was it that brought you here this time?' 'Nirwen's. I just.. I just can't do it anymore. 3 times!! 3 trigger pulls!! The hell is that!?! How am I supposed to pull the trigger three times in a row, all the while strafing from behind cover!? What do they expect me to do? Get involved in the game?? I can't take this anymore!! I'm gonna quit this game once in for all!!!' 'O-Ookay.. well. There you have it. Time for me to get back to the van.....' Now, Diane, this update has been exactly what the EPA has been looking for in order to combat the overwhelming climate crisis. Although just rolled out, Destiny 2.1.0 has effectively increased outputs of salt in just about every sector of the globe. If the way things are continue, we’ll be able to counter just about any ice storm this bleak winter could throw at us. Obama also wants to thank the gamers of the world for continuing to work together in the form of an existential mob, clinging to the laziest Crucible strategies ever imagined. After all, the less self-respect our gamers of the world have, the better off the environment. The next time you find yourself on a slippery road, just remember to thank a filthy casual for producing the life-saving grip your tires need in order to stay alive. Diane, back to you. Thank you Gene. Wow, guys, wow. That’s it for our story for tonight. Be sure to tune in tomorrow at 8pm where we will have a fascinating interview with a Twitch streamer who happens to think he’s 'top shit'." _______ [url=http://imgur.com/rZwy92i]NEWS RELEASE IMAGE #2[/url]