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Edited by Tilman G-Gragink: 9/28/2019 2:29:34 AM
9

The Beginning

[quote]A bright light appears in the center of a fairly circular cave, large enough to comfortably fit a small military. The cave seems naturally shaped. The edges are covered with beds, except for one tunnel going down to what appears to be a mine, and another with a single, faint ray of sunlight shining through. The beds all appear to be the same, with large primitive weapons near each bed, except one bed that is almost twice as large as the others. It has several trophies from what appears to be hunts for food. It also contains armor that had been set down while not being used. The wearer has to be almost fourteen feet tall[/quote][quote]The bright light is coming from a hole that appears to have been made by primitive mining equipment. There are several creatures near by holding primitive tools. Their faces have no hair, their heads have little to no hair. Their teeth show that they don’t have any good dental work, yellow rotting uneven teeth, even some missing teeth. Their heads are mostly like a human’s, except their jaw is much wider, making their head seem more geometric. They all have animal skin shorts with no other clothing.[/quote][quote]The mining crew is showing the fourteen foot tall leader what they found.[/quote] Miner 1: ”We were clearing out the center like you said and this light came out. We were afraid to continue.” Leader: ”Did you touch it?" Miner 2: "We were too scared! This light isn't like the sun, our torches, or even the cheese ball before it exploded!” Miner 3: ”Are you sure it was cheese? It looked more like land to me, you could even see oceans!" Miner 2: "It was obviously cheese, if you—" Leader: "[b]SILENCE![/b] [spoiler]The rocky walls shake, dust falls, and rubble moves as the leader's loud voice travels through the cave. Birds are heard flying away in fright.[/spoiler] Miners 2 and 3 together: "I'm sorry General" The General: "We learn nothing by staring at it."[quote]The General puts his hand in the light, the General screams into the air as the light combines with him, he begins to glow. The light stops glowing from the hole as the General slowly dims.[/quote] [quote][i]New scene:[/i] Gragink(or Tilman) is in a simple restaurant telling a story to the people he is sitting with and whoever else listens, about 30 people are listening.[/quote]Tilman: ”...and then I reeled in the sucker. That fish almost pulled me out of the boat, he was bigger than the boat! I called some guys over to help me pull the sucker to the dock!” Silencersix: ”Hold on. That’s not possible! Clownfish don’t get that big!” DrTitan32: ”Yeah! You said you had a true story! It wasn’t even that good!” [quote]Other dissenters are heard vocalizing as they all leave Tilman alone in the restaurant.[/quote] Tilman: ”I probably should have been a bit more realistic.”

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  • You were a little repetitive in your nouns. If it doesn’t clog up the understanding of the passage you should usually always use pronouns after the first use of the noun (at least until another noun pops up, or a sentence or two have passed). For example; [quote]The beds all appear to be the same, with large primitive weapons near each bed, except one bed that is almost twice as large as the others. It has several trophies from what appears to be hunts for food.[/quote] Should be more like; [quote]The beds all appear to be the same, with large primitive weapons near each one—except for one in particular which was twice as large as the others.[/quote] [quote]The General puts his hand in the light, the General screams into the air as the light combines with him, he begins to glow. The light stops glowing from the hole as the General slowly dims.[/quote] Should be; [quote]The General puts his hand in the light, and screams into the air as it combines with him, causing him to glow. Eventually, the light stops shining from the hole, as the General slowly dims.[/quote] [spoiler]And, I should point out real quick that I’m trying to be helpful, not rude. Last time I offered criticism I got yelled at.[/spoiler]

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