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#Community

8/29/2016 8:24:42 PM
2

some short story i wrote, or something

(contains harsh language) [LOG 2/44/71 21:54 - 3/44/71 7:18] [BEGIN TRANSMISSION] Is this a good color on me? No. What about red? Quit worrying about shaders. Oh, c'mon! Intimidating the enemy is half the battle. Alec, please. Now, do you want the Sniper? Nah, I'll use my Party Crasher. Quit calling it that. It's a Crucible standard shotgun. So? I'll call it what I want, it's my gun! Ugh, fine. Now, listen. We're gonna go in hot, so get ready. Right. I'll use the Suros. Thank you. What? Thank you. No, I heard you, but what the hell does that mean? I'm thanking you for saying it's proper name. You mother -blam!-er. [END TRANSMISSION] [BEGIN TRANSMISSION] Watch your six! Agh, -blam!-! Shit, Sev! You okay?! Y-yeah... I'm fine. Hey, I'll be right back, I'm popping my super. Right... Alright, we're clear. Shit, that Dreg got you good. Ford? /yes?/ Sev needs medical attention. I'm not a trained medic. /right. apply this to the wound and wrap it with this./ Alright. Done. Sev, how're you feeling? Fine... I think. Can you keep going? I can. /don't push it. putting too much strain on your internals could damage them more./ I said I'm fine. /if you insist./ I don't like him. Who, Ford? Yeah, your Ghost. Why? He's always fussing. Because he cares. Now c'mon, we gotta kill a god. [END TRANSMISSION] [BEGIN TRANSMISSION] \straight up.\ /no, turn right!/ Wait, which do we do? /\tguorn ruighpt, thtearkee's tahen elsetvaaitrosr!/\ Did you understand that? Sev? Sev, you with us? What? You spaced out again. My apologies. Anyways, we're going right. /yes!/ \ugh.\ Right. Let's move. Alec, you take point. Why me? It's your idea. [END TRANSMISSION] [BEGIN TRANSMISSION] Hey, wait. Yeah? A Kell isn't a god. Fine. Let's go kill a leader. That sounds way worse though! [END TRANSMISSION] [BEGIN TRANSMISSION] Here we are. The Kell's den. Oddly beautiful, isn't it. No. Fallen are pirate scum. Damn, Sev. What's your issue? I just. What the -blam!- was that? Shit. Sev, move! Ambush! -blam!-! Shit, that's the Kell! Shi [TRANSMISSION INTERRUPTED] (also i would like feedback. improving my writing is something i strive for, so it would be greatly appreciated!)

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  • I don't wanna criticize but I had the impression like I was reading a comic book. If that is what you were going to then excellent job. But if it is not then still you did a great job but you need to change something. Also please don't take my opinion too serious cuz I don't know much about writing. Have a good day ;)

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