[i]NOTE: No real attempt has been made to fit this story into Destiny lore, mainly because lore regarding the Crucible (such as when it was created, why it was created, and who created it) has not proven easy to find. Besides, it's a comedy. Do me and yourself a favor: don't take it seriously.[/i] [b]THE FIRST CRUCIBLE SESSION EVER - A Short Fanfic by Oddish Part One[/b] THE SETTING: Earth, one year after Twilight Gap (around 2700 AD). Lord Shaxx is sitting around, sharpening the horns on his helmet, he still has two. Ikora has her nose buried in some moldy old codex the warlock order found under the moon before the Hive took it over. Cayde-6 is twirling a TFWPKY hand cannon on his finger. Several Iron lords are lounging around with their pet wolves. The speaker is standing around looking inscrutable since you can't see his face. Suddenly, the TFWPKY goes bang, startling everyone present. CAYDE-6: "Oops. Sorry." LORD SHAXX: "Cayde, I swear to the traveler, if I catch you playing like that with a loaded gun one more time, I'm going to break off one of these horns in your stupid cybernetic arse." CAYDE: "That's what you said the last five times." SHAXX: "Well, I mean it this time." CAYDE: "Why do you care anyway? It's not like we can..." He is interrupted when an imperious-looking blue-skinned Awoken with a shoulder-length mane of vivid scarlet hair flashes into existence in front of him. This is Lieutenant Zavala. SALADIN: "Shaxx? Zavala's arrived." SHAXX: "Oh, good. We have everybody." LT. ZAVALA: "What exactly is this all about, Shaxx?" SHAXX: "Glad you brought that up, lieutenant. I have an amazing new idea." EFRIDEET (overhears): "Is this anything like that gun you had Banshee design? You know, the one that fired stale waffles?" SHAXX: "OK, I know I messed up with that." JOLDER: "That gun actually wasn't completely useless. I took down a hallowed ogre with one once." ZAVALA: "An ogre. With waffles?" JOLDER: "Yeah, those Eggos got pretty hard after sitting around for a century." CAYDE: "I heard you were going to add on a maple syrup squirter, supposed to slow the enemy down by making him all sticky. Ever get around to that?" SHAXX: "Shut up about the Atomic Waffle-Iron already. This has nothing to do with that anyway. It's a new training method to help Guardians get ready to fight the Darkness." ZAVALA: "But if they're training to fight the Darkness... they're not actually fighting the Darkness. They're sitting around wasting time, like all those kids with their Playstations and Xboxes a few centuries ago." IKORA: "Not just kids, either. There was this fortysomething guy, called himself Oddish. You wouldn't believe how much time he spent gaming." SHAXX: "Never mind all that. Look, Zavala, trust me. You're going to love this." SALADIN: "That's what you said about the unlimited-power Sparrow you introduced. You know, the one powered by Guardian methane emissions?" CAYDE: "Actually, that was frickin' hilarious. Especially the way every Guardian had to fill up on bean nachos and beer before every patrol." EFRIDEET: "The Tower stunk so bad, the bounty collector had to wear a gas mask, and he was a robot." SHAXX: "OK, yeah, I know. Not the best idea either. But this is different. I'm calling it the Crucible." CAYDE: "You mean we're going on a witch-hunt? Or should I say warlock-hunt?" (he pulls the TFWPKY and starts to level it at Ikora's head. She gives him the kind of look that a wearied mother would give to an obnoxious 11-year-old. Since Cayde is essentially just that (in a robot body), it is effective. He puts the gun away. SHAXX: "NO!!! Not the play 'the Crucible'. This is a different kind of Crucible." JOLDER: "What's a crucible?" SALADIN: "Sounds like some kind of casserole. Is this a cooking class?" SHAXX: "NO, you idiots! I'm calling it the Crucible. It's this place where metal gets really really really hot and the impurities get burned away. It's kind of a metaphor about forging a weapon and stuff." EFRIDEET: "Like the Iron Lords?" SHAXX: "Yes, like the Iron Lords." ZAVALA: "And how do we... getting really hot and burning away impuri-whatever... how do we go about it?" SHAXX: "Easy. You guys just shoot at each other." IKORA: "Shoot at each other. Guardians. Shoot at each other." SHAXX: "Shoot at each other, punch, stab, that shovey thing you warlocks do. And grenades and Supers, too." IKORA: "You're serious. Not just having a massive hallucination from having your brain splattered by a Cabal slug-thrower and not properly reassembled by your Ghost." CAYDE: "Oh come on, that only happened once." IKORA: "And now that Guardian thinks he's a refrigerator." CAYDE: "Yeah, I really like the way every time he opens his mouth, that little light inside it goes on." EFRIDEET: "So? Exos always have lights go on in their mouth." JOLDER: "Yeah, but he was human. We're still trying to figure out how he did it." ZAVALA (to Shaxx): "You... actually expect us to do this. For Guardians, forged in the Light and sworn in its service... to fall on and slaughter each other like a pack of Fallen." SHAXX: "Well... yeah. Why not?" ZAVALA: "Do you want the short list of reasons or do you have all day?" CAYDE: "I have a reason, and I only need one. It's because Guardians..." ZAVALA: "Shut up, Cayde." (eyes the others) "What do the rest of you think?" SALADIN: "I think Shaxx has totally lost his marbles." JOLDER: "What are marbles?" SALADIN: "No idea. But he's lost them, whatever they are." SHAXX: "Oh, come on, guys, you can at least give it a try." EFRIDEET: "Why? It's frickin' stupid." SHAXX: "Because you get to kill Cayde." ZAVALA, IKORA, EFRIDEET, SALADIN, & JOLDER: "Kill Cayde?" SHAXX: "Yes. Kill Cayde. Repeatedly." CAYDE: "Whatever, you guys, it's not like this..." ZAVALA: "In that case... I've been wanting to do this for a long time." He pulls out his Jabberhakke and shoots Cayde right between the eyes. SHAXX: "That's the spirit!" [b] END OF PART 1, because of that stupid 10,000-character limit.[/b] Link to Part 2 - https://www.bungie.net/en/Forums/Post/211524727