Oh my bad (looks can be deceiving), here is a better one for someone of your intellect.
First go to the nearest supermarket and buy loads of meat.
Next go to the nearest zoo (aquariums with large predatory animals work well also).
Approach the exhibit containing both the largest and most aggressive animal.
Cover yourself in previously obtained meat and then jump into enclosure. (If enclosure is blocked by chain link fence sometimes pressing your body up against it can be all the contact you need)
If animal is uninterested or park authorities attempt to stop you, get down onto hands and knees and begin slamming your face into the ground in a hinge-like motion as hard as you can until breathing stops.
Again, I apologize for underestimating you.
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