8/25/2014 11:21:18 PM PermalinkI LOVED IT! Just work on spelling and grammar. Not to mention breaking down dialogue and paragraphs into smaller blocks. Like this... A strike of lightning crossed the sky as the clouds started to gray and twist in malice. Unable to move I just sat there...motionless. Waiting for the end to come. "Hey...get up." Huh? Who said that? For a second I thought I heard a voice call to me. Ah well...back to sleeping... "Hey...wake up Guardian...It's not safe here." END Kind of like that. Also remember to keep it original, don't start copying scenes exactly how they happened in the game. I can see your already not doing that so good job! :)
8/24/2014 12:25:17 AM PermalinkPlease break your story down into smaller paragraphs. Giant blocks of text scare people...
8/22/2014 12:21:30 PM PermalinkGreat job! It was a good read, besides the part where I was obliterated.. ;D [quote] "japan,alaska and Australia have been wiped out" [/quote]
Disclaimer:: I am not a writer or English major but I have seen a few storys on here and loved reading them . So if someone enjoys my story then thays all that matters. Thanks for reading guardians The embers danced in the sky as the heat from the campfire carried them up. `so peaceful` I thought. They almost looked like they were dancing with the stars. We were out in the field about 10 miles out side the "last safe city". "Boy" a grizzled voice called. I looked up, Captain weaver was a slim but cut man he only stood 5'8 with short blonde hair and dark green eyes but he was called -death weaver- he had a aggressive additude that many disliked but it reminded me of my fathers. "Yes sir" I replied "how long have we been out here" he asked as he sharpened his knife on a stone. "14 weeks sir" my eyes darted left of the fire as eves sleeping bag rustled " so how many times do I need to tell you. Its captain not sir" his eyes looked straight through me as he spoke."and when will you call him by his name and not boy or sport" eve said as she poked the fire with her foot. Eve was the only one to ever talk to weaver like that but she is beautiful. Any guy would let her talk like that if only to hear her talk. She had almost milk like completion and dark brown hair that hit just past her shoulders. And blue eyes like ice. "Titus......titus" my glaze snapped off eve and back to weaver "yes si..uh..captian" I fumbled over my words. " we have been out here 14 weeks. Tell me about yourself" weaver made a motion like there was an audience. "My name is Titus Gedeion, im 27 and ..." I stopped as weaver started to shake his head "no tell me about YOU where your from. Why you are here,and loosen up " . I thought a moment. " my name is titus gedeion after my father and his father. Titus means great defender and gedeion means destroyer in my homeland" I sat up and with a slight more confidence went on " my father would tell me storys of our lineage. When knights won battles with bravery and might not with drones and bombs he would say we are the sword and the shield. Defenders and destroyer" I paused as eve sat up her figure becoming more visible as she inched towards the fire. I quickly shifted my glance as weaver chuckled. "Perfectly natural boy. You got a girl" he asked as he sees my ring " yes sir. Married 3 years in a few months" I replied hoping not to catch heat for saying sir. "Why the hell would you wanna be out here with us and not at home with her . I know where id rather be" I replied almost without hesitation " destiny...I guess" weaver smiled and goosebumps ran up my arm , he looked sinister through the flames. "So whats gonna make it. Your destiny or your marriage. Cus mine sure as hell didint". Eve saw the look that droped across my face and quickly changed subject. "Why a titan" she asked "ya you didint wanna be a space fairy" weaver added any chance he as a hunter could abuse a warlock he would take it. "I dont know.just seemed right" I said my eyes were heavy now "Boy......BOY....TITUS wake the -blam!- up" I jumped up to eve and weaver packing." They are attacking the city"eve said as she dumped water on the fire. "Intel says they are droping some kind of bio weapon" "japan,alaska and Australia have been wiped out" weaver continued " first the sent fallen then once they pushed ahead they drop one bomb. One -blam!-ing bomb" his hand griped his blade tight. "Lets move" It was chaos the fallen were pushing up to the walls the titans had built and there were civilians still outside the wall. The fallen had not distinction in there killing man woman and child. If it was human it had to die. Before I knew it we were in the fight two fallen raced around a car guns drawn. I emptied my clips into them tossing my assult rifle aside unlatched my sidearm and went to work on multiple enemies. Each chamber found an enemy head.to my left I could hear weaver yell I looked to see eve impaled by a fallen captain. Blood flowed from her mouth as she tried to reach for weaver. The fallen commander used his other arm to glide his hand to the back of her neck and snap it all in one fluid motion. A scream ripped from weavers mouth. his blades lit up arching from anything around the sound was like a thousand birds chirping almost defining. And it became all to clear why they called him death weaver. Him bounced from one enemy to the next weaving in and out like a lighting strike . Fallen and guardian alike froze for a moment fearing that moving would draw his gaze and his blade. The fallen ships had begun to drop from orbit. the walls battery cannons begun to pepper the sky . Most never made it past the cloud line a few got close but got blown away before they could make it to the walls. As a ship screamed past it droped its payload. A fire hydrent sized bomb struck the ground a few feet away. I looked up to weaver. Still ripping through the fallen. They were retreating. The bomb was going to kill us and part of the city and they will come pick off the rest. I didnt think or hesitate. Instinct took over Without thinking I launched at it. Charging my shield used to deflect blasts. I could not house all these people in my shield... But I could hold the blast in. My fist hit the ground next to the device as it initiated into its final stages. A flash of light shown through the blue tint barrier I had erected. The heavenly light slowed to a dark swirling black purple as though the reaper himself had appeared to take me. I could feel my skin tear and eat away. But I stood strong, I could not give up. The shield had begun to weaken as I began to turn to star dust. So many people. Brothers, sisters, mothers, and fathers. "I am a guardian" I thought as I gathered the last of my strength. The pavement cracked under my fist as I looked up to the stars, a cold stare and a grin crossed my lips " I am the sword and the shield!" I yelled, a fire in my voice. I could see the other guardians kneel beyond my barrier. "I am the defender and the destroyer. I AM A TITAN!" The smoke cleared the blast had been contained. "As long as I draw breath, I will protect everyone" I said with a silent thought. "My last breath had been taken and I was fading." "Wow" ghost said, his light brightening and fading again "That's quite the story". "You asked how I died" I said readying my sniper -incognito- to my shoulder. In my scope, a shadow crept towards a warlock focused on a weapon's cache. "Told the speaker I picked right" ghost said as he vanished out of sight. I squeezed the trigger and let loose two rounds. The figure dropped and the warlock whipped around, discharging his weapon only to stop and see the dead dreg. He waved in gratitude. I waved back. "Till my last breath" I murmured while summoning my sparrow "I'll protect them all."