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#feedback

7/22/2015 10:37:18 PM
3

New series, The Dawn of Destiny

Hello, and welcome My name is James, and I have always thought that destiny deserved a great series. So I decided to sit down and right one. So far I have one episode done and wanted to see what the community thinks of it. If people seem to like the first episode I will make more until the series is done. After that I will make a script and then start casting. Just a reminder that these episodes are supposed to be about 10 minutes long. Any feed back and tips are much appreciated, also if you have any ideas to add on to the story you can leave those as well. [b]Basic Story:[/b] The story takes place about 3 months after the collapse of humanity. Bruce, the main character, is all alone and must make do with what is left with humanity. He must deal with all the horrors off a noncivil world and try to bring humans back together to take out the real enemy, the darkness. [b]Episode One (Hope):[/b] The dirt has settled, the earth has not rumbled in a month. Everything I once knew is gone, my family, my friends. Even the great structures humanity once built are ether crumbled to the ground, or on its last leg. The sun rises very early in the morning; this might mean its June, July, or August. I wake up in the morning to prepare for another long track. My map says over this mountain is place called the Cosmodrome, some kind of link to outer space. If I am lucky I can find survivors, or I can find those who killed millions. About an hour after the sun has risen, I grab my low amounts of ammo and my hand cannon. The day passes very slowly as the terrifying thoughts of this place deciding my fate. At noon I reach the top…the sight is defying. Thousands of cars rusted down, holding empty bodies completely destroyed by the Darkness. Innocent men and women, subjected to death. I swiftly move through the piles of cars to reach the massive wall that separates the outside from in. The plant life took over the buildings very fast. I find an emergency door which I step through with caution. I navigate my way past the wall to the other side. One month later…I have explored every crook and cranny of this place. Still no sign of any life, which could be a good thing considering the fallen haven’t pushed on this area, but that still means I am all alone. As the days past I grow very worried that I might be the last. To keep my sanity I find an old radio, I switch it to the emergency channel and listen in. After that day, I started sending messages out, hoping to find someone…”Hello, if you are hearing this respond as soon as possible. I am located at 47.615045-122.198331. My name is Bruce, a guardian of the humans; I repeat my location, 47.615045-122.198331.” For about 10 days I did that. The same message over and over again. I wake up earlier than normal today, but not thinking much about it, I start my normal routine. At about noon I stop and sit down, I think about everything that has happened. I remember when they called in a mass meeting, before the start of the collapse. They explained everything that was going on, broadcasted it across all human networks. But in reality that everything was nothing, we underestimated it, them. The thought of this made me sad but in an insist my emotions changed as I heard 2 loud gunshots go off…I quickly I knew that was at the junk yard. In panic I grab my hand cannon, and sprint as fast as I can to the junk yard, I’m in so much confusion I don’t know what to think. When I arrive I am shocked, there’s a titan standing with a gun pointed at a dead guardians chest. In shock, I draw my gun pointing it at him and say “Put the gun down.” “Wow buddy, it’s not what you think.” He says. “Then what is it? Now put the gun down or your dead.” I say. He places the gun on the floor and says “Ok, now let’s be civil and let me explain. I am...” He is cut off by large amount of gun fire at us. I yell “Take cover!” and we both slide behind a wing. I look around and I see it, the darkness. “It’s the fallen” I say. He replies with “Well before we die kiddo, what’s your name? Mine is Shaxx.” I say “Bruce.” (sorry if the indents are weird, they got mixed up because of different formatting)

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  • I think it has potential. But I really love lore and story, if I had any tips I'd say read over the grimoire carefully. There are actually some really badass things in the grimoire that I think deserve some light. You've definitely caught my interest and if you're still doing it, I'm totally willing to read and support this idea.

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