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Edited by Clorox: 3/2/2015 10:11:10 PM
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Into The Pit: Chapter 2, The Blades of Darkness

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The Cursed Thralls appeared too quickly and in too great of numbers, so the fireteam ran. "Where did these things come from? They wont leave us alone!" Sara shouted. "If we keep following the lamps then we should get out of here in no time!" Lucy panted. Five of them turned right to head up the hill. One of them turned left. "Ghost?" "Yes Mike?" "Can you transmit to the others that I ne-" "That will not be possible Mike" "Why not?" "I am being drained of my light, I fear I don't have long" "Is there anything you can do?" "No I don't thin-" <CLONK!> (The lifeless ghost shell hits the ground) He remembered what his ghost told him, if a guardians ghost dies, they go insane. That wont happen, I'll die like a hero he thought. "Well if I'm gunna go out, might as well take some b*tches with me. He pulls out his Universal Remote and starts shooting all the thralls, 3 shells later, 5 thralls drop lifelessly to the ground. A thrall sneaks up behind him and stabs him in the right side. "Argh you little..." He shouts. He whacks the thrall with the butt of his Universal Remote. "Take that" The thrall stumbles into a hole behind him. He has 1 shell left, a knight climbs up the hole and grabs him by the head and holds him over the hole.He stares into the eyes of the knight and says his last words. "F*ck you" He then shoots the knight in the head killing it instantly, but making him fall into the hole. Death awaits at the bottom. The last five make it to the end. "There are no more lanterns" Amelia pointed out. "Hey look a circle like the one we used to summon the bridge up on the surface" Wayne-234 noticed. He then proceeded to stand on it. "Woah look at that, that wall is opening" Jonathan said amazed. "That is intriguing. Hey look a bridge is forming." Lucy said looking at the bridge and door as if some how transfixed. " I would hate to break you moment of awe but we got an ogre here!" Sara shouted sniping and ogre with her icebreaker. "Aww crud an ogre... Wait 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, where is Mike?" Amelia asked concerned. "He is dead" Sara said, with out any signs of emotion. Sara then finished of killing the ogre and the bridge finished building. "We can morn for him when we are dead too, lets move". Jonathan stated looking almost happy. They began to cross the bridge, but it collapsed when they were halfway through. It plunged them into the abyss below. A glowing blood red knight watched them fall, from a distance, shout once they fell , in hive language (hivilish) "the deed is done". He then jumped into the abyss. The five of them woke in a chamber deep into the pit. The chamber was lit by little purple flames. They tried to speak to each other but they had gone mute. Was it from the shock of falling? Also where did their weapons go? There was a door at the end of this chamber. Sara walked over to it. When she got near it opened and several knights walked in, the main attraction for those knights were a blood red one and a shining golden one. The golden one was actually able to speak English, but very slurred. The knight said"Kneel puny, human, scum before us the master race. We shall eliminate you like we did for the last 6 of you feel the wrath of The Blades of Darkness!" Chapter 3 will come tomorrow. Be on a look out. Don't forget to leave what you think below, but also please tell me your criticisms, or this won't get better. Link to Chapter 1 if you missed it: https://www.bungie.net/en/Forum/Post/105668604 Chapter 3 is out here is a link: https://www.bungie.net/en/Forum/Post/105794652
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  • Edited by Clorox: 3/2/2015 7:13:08 AM
    Chapter 3 will be released in 16 hours gotta do work and make chapter 3 the best chapter ever plus I have had 24 hours of no sleep

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  • Alright so the story started out with them at the hellmouth. it was a couple lines of dialog and then bam...... they were down in the abyss fighting through thrall and all that. Somehow a member of the group knows exactly what to do and where to go. How do they know this? Then you have this chapter and one of the characters is already dead. I don't know that character. I didn't feel any loss or sadness when he died. give your characters a good personality with some back story. make us like them and then when you take them away we will feel sad or angry and want the other members of the group to carry on and complete the quest, kill the monster, or beat the enemy. Also his ghost just dropped dead? Why? Explain to me things. Also bring in some characters emotions what they are feeling and thinking. Descriptive detail is a fickle bitch. add too much and you take away from the readers imagination on setting up the world that you have carefully provided to them. Add too little and the reader has no idea what kind of environment your characters are in. Work on adding detail especially to area's that we have never seen before. "The chamber was lit by little purple flames." Not a lot of descriptive detail. You could add something like "The chamber was dimly lit with small purple torches dotting the dark grey stone walls. Bones littered the floor and each movement cause a clatter. At the far end, the outline of a door could be seen. Above them was nothing but a pitch black void that could have extended for eternity." Just some of my observations. I will read chapter 3 regardless.

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    • Edited by Clorox: 3/2/2015 5:56:31 AM
      Chapter 3 Fighting Chance. Is on the way.

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