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Destiny

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Edited by Bork, Son of Bonk: 2/22/2015 10:03:12 PM
1

Destiny: Vatonage Part 1 (Destiny Fanfiction)

Alright, guys. This is the first part of a series detailing the rise of a single Guardian from being a lone survivor to becoming legend. Let me know what you think! :) And be wary of its length, as it is a bit of a long read. Enjoy! :) Rays of sunlight wandered between the cracks and fissures of decaying ruin. Walls loomed tall yet unsteady as the rays explored the aging structure, revealing the arched pillars that was once a door. The stone had stood for centuries, and yet it only took a small act of nature to bring it down. A gust of wind or a large wave from the lake below would be all it took to destroy the already fragile foundation of the structure. However, luck seemed to favor the church's survival, even if nature had wanted to prove otherwise. Perhaps it was its luck that brought the young Guardian to this place. Or maybe it was the need for a place to inhabit after his long journey from lands afar. Whatever the reason, the newly revived Guardian decided to take shelter in the old ruins. Inside the sanctuary of the church, he sat silently with his Ghost beside him, basking in the sun's rays. Comfortable and settled, he waited for nightfall, and, confident in his shelter's fortune, fell asleep. In this instance, the sun's rays retreated as darkness crept near the structure. The lake's waves pounded ferociously against the cliff's edge, threatening to bring down the weathered structure residing on the shore. The cracks and fissures shivered as the cold night air washed over the church's darkened steeple. The bell, broken long ago, rang silently against the force of the harsh winds. Outside the arched doors, a figure stood and peered into the church's inner sanctuary. Nearby, the figure's adversaries readied their elongated sabers, and the message was quickly and anxiously spread: the target had been found. Inside the structure, the Guardian's face was illuminated by his Ghost's light. Worried, the Guardian rose from his brief nap and received his own message from his companion: we had been found. The church had seen its fair share of battles. After all, it was a survivor of the Collapse, but it had seen, for the first time that night, that its luck had run out. Before the Guardian could react, the entrance exploded under the pressure of thousands of plasma incendiaries. Stone and dust swam through the air, creating a cloud of darkness. From the darkness, three Fallen warriors appeared with sabers ready to kill, but the Guardian was just as ready as he brandished his treasured weapon: Fang. The leader of the strike team, a Baron, leaped suddenly at the Guardian, saber raised high...and they never found their target. The Guardian, getting back on his feet after rolling away, fired two shots as the Baron fell, wounded and frozen . Quickly the Guardian lashed out with the silver blade on the end of his hand cannon piercing the Baron's chest. Screams disappeared into the night air along with the Baron's soul. The other Fallen, enraged but cautious, kept their distance from their target. The "target" did not agree with that distance. Firing two silver bullets at the Captain on the left, the Fallen warrior dodged the first but was then grazed by the second bullet. As the Captain tried to move, the bullet appeared to have immobilized him, and he was struggling to move when the third and fourth bullet entered its brain. The last Fallen, frightened of the enemy, ran to the giant hole in the side of the church. Halfway there, he felt a sharp dagger pierce his thigh and felt a burning fire all over his body. Pulling out his knife, the Guardian jumped and struck the Captain in the back. The Captain, writhing from the burning knife, tossed and turned in a sickly manner as the Guardian held Fang in his right hand, reloading the weapon. A coiled hiss echoed from the weapon's cartridge as the magazine dropped at its owner's feet. After loading the fresh magazine, the Guardian aimed at the Captain's convulsing body, and BANG!!! The Captain did not move anymore. Edit: Revisions to the original post have been made to improve the quality. Edit: Part 2 has been posted here: https://www.bungie.net/en/Forum/Post/103140937/0/0

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  • Looks really nice. I have a few issues or it, but most of them are just writing style. For now, I'd point out that you seem to be switching between past and present tense - "The Guardian does" vs "The Guardian did" - which can be a bit confusing. There's also some uncertainty in other places - "Firing two silver bullets at the one on the left, the Fallen dodged the first but was then grazed by the second." If I've interpreted the sentence correctly, it could be better phrased as "The Guardian fired two silver bullets at the one on the left. His target dodged the first bullet but was then grazed by the second." You might also want to add more blank spaces. When your paragraphs don't start off indented, it's important to add some way to tell them apart. Adding a blank line between them does just that, improving readability. I would also question where he got a named weapon if he hasn't gotten to the city yet and why it fires (specifically) silver bullets, but that's something you can clear up in future installments. Don't misunderstand my criticism; I'm writing a novel of my own, so things like this stand out to me. Everything I'm saying is meant as advice to improve an already good start.

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