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7/6/2008 5:15:59 AM
233
The Dangers of Intimate Interactions With Oneself
Hello, friends...my name is Richard Browning, and I am a Southern Baptist preacher, school teacher, and father of three. I bought an Xbox 360 and Halo 3 several weeks ago and really enjoy the game--I find its religious parallels absolutely fantastic and can't get enough of it! This has lead me to this site and its forums...while I did not come here for much other than to converse with other Halo-lovers, I've noticed that many of the members here are young, teenage boys with raging hormones. I've noticed many threads asking for "girl help" and similar things, and I feel it is my duty to post this. So listen up, sons, it's time to be educated in the ways of our Father in Heaven!
The "spam filter" on this site prevents me from using proper terminology, so I will use some well-recognized "slang" terms.
Now, I'm not one to beat around the bush, so to speak, so I'll come out and say it: "Self gratification", also known as "jerking off", "spanking the monkey", or "pulling the laughy-taffy". I realize that the urge for self gratification is strong, but remember sons, it means one thing to you; death. Yes, death. It has been clinically proven that self gratification leads to lose of brain cells and weakens the immune system, eventually leading to AIDS, mental incapacitation, and death. As Doctor Robert Bronson of Lincolnville, SC says, "If you take to pleasuring yourself, your spinal fluid will drip out the tip of your -censored- and you will eventually die. This is a proven medical fact, and yet I don't hear enough people cautioning others about the dangers of this practice."
Another reason not to do it--God will damn you to hell for it. Intimate feelings and urges are there only so that a married couple may produce offspring. In this context, it is quite alright for contact, but in any other situation, it is the work of Lucifer as he attempts to invade your mind! Stand tall and true, sons of God--remember your faith and cast aside the devil! Your "laughy taffy" will bring you only death and an eternity of suffering in hell.
In conclusion, sons, remember--it may feel good now, but it will lead to serious consequences down the road! Only the ordained copulation of a married couple is healthy, as the woman's crevice keeps the brain fluids from leaking out. That is all. May God be with you, kids, and remember--try as he may, satan can never pierce your heart unless you let him! God bless--repent now! Thank you.
-Richard Browning
[Edited on 07.05.2008 9:17 PM PDT]
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he just joined bungie yesterday
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Way to ruin fun. BTW EVERYONE! I asked him for proof and he's returning silent.
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[quote][b]Posted by:[/b] TUI_Obi_Wan Ah yes, didn't realize that was you. Good stuff. You guys do realize that when the mods wake up in the morning we're all probably going to get banned? Just like everyone who posted in the "dolphin secks" thread a while back. That was good times and totally worth the 3 day ban.[/quote] Man thats my 4th 3 day ban in a month :(
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Hmm. Finally thought of something that hopefully won't get me banned. Here goes, then I sit back and laugh. Mr. Browning: I was raised in a family of MANY different religions, most of them differing Christian denominations. Thanks to this, I've heard pretty much every reason you could give for why feeling good is a sin, in any way shape or form. Unless, of course, you're feeling good because the invisible man in the sky tells you to. Coming from that background, I have to say: This is the most ridiculous, attention-begging, medically impossible, intellect-degrading farce of a story you have ever heard. From what you've said, I get the feeling that your family physician is biased, much as you yourself are. Unfortunately, this pro-agenda biased source is, most likely, your one and only source. Please, link us to a credited news site/source (MSNBC, CNN, news sites, etc,), where this fiction is supported. I beg you, prove us wrong with MORE than just your immeasurable faith (and inability to be proven wrong). Oh, and in the unlikely event that you do send said link, please attempt to refrain from sites/sources which have been contributed to/edited/moderated/created by religious sources. Trust me, we'll be able to tell if you're trying to fake us out. Believe it or not, just because we're young doesn't mean we're stupid, gullible, or incapable of finding credible research to support our opinions. Hoping that voicing my opinion won't get me in trouble, TitaniumSpork19 [Edited on 07.05.2008 10:40 PM PDT]
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Ah yes, didn't realize that was you. Good stuff. You guys do realize that when the mods wake up in the morning we're all probably going to get banned? Just like everyone who posted in the "dolphin secks" thread a while back. That was good times and totally worth the 3 day ban.
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[quote][b]Posted by:[/b] h20 freak1 Extremely successful troll is extremely successful. [/quote]I tihnk he just wants to show up on the wambulance
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[quote][b]Posted by:[/b] brian walker [quote][b]Posted by:[/b] Richard Browning [quote][b]Posted by:[/b] Dream053 [quote][b]Posted by:[/b] Richard Browning So, if all this [i]were[/i] possible, you're telling me that liquids would then be propelled back up the genitalia and reverse its pathway right to where it began? Are you also assuming that it will only "vacuum" up liquids originally dispersed, rather than sucking up part of the woman's fluids as well? Sounds to me like you've got some woman-juice clogging your brain. Good night.[/quote]The "woman juice" is sucked up as well, yes, but it is quickly destroyed by the body's immune system. Of course, if someone who already has a weakened immune system from wanking too much finally engages in healthy interactions with a woman, the "juices" may not be destroyed and could lead to serious infections. Thanks. -Richard Browning[/quote] lookes like richard has some [url=http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FDLLTeYb9ec]-blam!-l fluid on the brain[/url]. LULZ RICHARD I DIDN'T KNOW YOU WERE A DIQ![/quote] HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH OMG HAHAHAHA EPIC WIN
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[quote][b]Posted by:[/b] exonerate38 i think we should make a group for only people who wack it[/quote] lol, wonder how Richard would like [b]that[/b]
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i think we should make a group for only people who wack it
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[quote][b]Posted by:[/b] TUI_Obi_Wan [quote][b]Posted by:[/b] OUTthaWAZOO2 [quote][b]Posted by:[/b] TUI_Obi_Wan [quote][b]Posted by:[/b] brian walker THIS GUY IS A -blam!- TROLL YOU -blam!- RETARDS. A TROLL IS SOMEONE WHO TRIES TO WASTE YOU TIME YOU DUMBASSES[/quote] He's probably the most literate troll I've ever encountered. As for tips on how to "do it", soak a sock in hot water, wrap it around your tallywhacker and stick it between your mattresses. Like doin it doggy style.[/quote]dude, really, you actually do that? how old are you?[/quote] I'm 23 and no I haven't done it. Do you understand the concept of humor?[/quote]yes, did you not see my post about the bible page and the jesus picture and me jizzing on it and burning it? that's hXc humor
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[quote][b]Posted by:[/b] Richard Browning [quote][b]Posted by:[/b] C0NFUZ3D [quote][b]Posted by:[/b] Richard Browning [quote][b]Posted by:[/b] Dream053 [quote][b]Posted by:[/b] Richard Browning So, if all this [i]were[/i] possible, you're telling me that liquids would then be propelled back up the genitalia and reverse its pathway right to where it began? Are you also assuming that it will only "vacuum" up liquids originally dispersed, rather than sucking up part of the woman's fluids as well? Sounds to me like you've got some woman-juice clogging your brain. Good night.[/quote]The "woman juice" is sucked up as well, yes, but it is quickly destroyed by the body's immune system. Of course, if someone who already has a weakened immune system from wanking too much finally engages in healthy interactions with a woman, the "juices" may not be destroyed and could lead to serious infections. Thanks. -Richard Browning[/quote] ROFL, now I'm done with this thread And, what are the odds: as soon as I opened this I got of the shower O.o[/quote]What is "ROFL"? Thanks. -Richard Browning[/quote] Here's some internet speak for you as a guide. ROFL: Acronym for rolling on the floor laughing. LOL: laugh out loud LAWL: LOL LOLOLOLOL: LOL
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I'm sorry, but I must turn in for the night. I wish I could answer more of your questions (the ones posed in a civil manner, at least), but I've had a long day. I may reply to this topic tomorrow morning, or perhaps post a new one. Who knows? Well, that's it...good night, and God bless! Thanks. -Richard Browning [Edited on 07.05.2008 10:35 PM PDT]
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[quote][b]Posted by:[/b] Magc Man 64001 im not sure if the ninja's are just not here, or if they are just enjoying this thread as much as i am[/quote]they're contemplating on for how long all of us are goin to be banned for.
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[quote][b]Posted by:[/b] brian walker lookes like richard has some [url=http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FDLLTeYb9ec]-blam!-l fluid on the brain[/url]. LULZ RICHARD I DIDN'T KNOW YOU WERE A DIQ![/quote] HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA. Omfg. "He had [b]what[/b] fluid on his brain?" HAHAHAHAHAHA [Edited on 07.05.2008 10:34 PM PDT]
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[quote][b]Posted by:[/b] sillyboy44 [quote][b]Posted by:[/b] killerlegoman I will continue my politeness from our exchanged messages of this matter. [quote][b]Posted by:[/b] Richard Browning [quote]Or wait, are you going to now claim that these fluids travel [i]back[/i] to the brain and spine after realizing that this woman's sacred temple "do no want"?[/quote]Much in the same way that the fluids are forced out of the spine/brain and out of the male organ, they are sucked back up like a vacuum after the orgasm. I hope that clears things up. Thanks. :-) [/quote] After this statement, I must assume that you do not have the cold hard facts I asked for, seeing as this is impossible. If they come out at all, they come out every time. Nothing can stop it. I'm sorry, but It is now obvious that you were making totally incorrect statements about the side effects of self pleasure, to help teens with the light of God. If I see one more absurd post or message, I will stop the politeness, and call you out, my Atheist way.[/quote] No more Mr. Nice atheist![/quote] Exactly!
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im not sure if the ninja's are just not here, or if they are just enjoying this thread as much as i am
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[quote]What is "ROFL"? Thanks. -Richard Browning[/quote] ROFL means, "Richard Only F**ks Llamas." [Edited on 07.05.2008 10:32 PM PDT]
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[quote][b]Posted by:[/b] OUTthaWAZOO2 [quote][b]Posted by:[/b] TUI_Obi_Wan [quote][b]Posted by:[/b] brian walker THIS GUY IS A -blam!- TROLL YOU -blam!- RETARDS. A TROLL IS SOMEONE WHO TRIES TO WASTE YOU TIME YOU DUMBASSES[/quote] He's probably the most literate troll I've ever encountered. As for tips on how to "do it", soak a sock in hot water, wrap it around your tallywhacker and stick it between your mattresses. Like doin it doggy style.[/quote]dude, really, you actually do that? how old are you?[/quote] I'm 23 and no I haven't done it. Do you understand the concept of humor?
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[quote][b]Posted by:[/b] C0NFUZ3D [quote][b]Posted by:[/b] Richard Browning [quote][b]Posted by:[/b] Dream053 [quote][b]Posted by:[/b] Richard Browning So, if all this [i]were[/i] possible, you're telling me that liquids would then be propelled back up the genitalia and reverse its pathway right to where it began? Are you also assuming that it will only "vacuum" up liquids originally dispersed, rather than sucking up part of the woman's fluids as well? Sounds to me like you've got some woman-juice clogging your brain. Good night.[/quote]The "woman juice" is sucked up as well, yes, but it is quickly destroyed by the body's immune system. Of course, if someone who already has a weakened immune system from wanking too much finally engages in healthy interactions with a woman, the "juices" may not be destroyed and could lead to serious infections. Thanks. -Richard Browning[/quote] ROFL, now I'm done with this thread And, what are the odds: as soon as I opened this I got of the shower O.o[/quote]What is "ROFL"? Thanks. -Richard Browning
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[quote][b]Posted by:[/b] killerlegoman I will continue my politeness from our exchanged messages of this matter. [quote][b]Posted by:[/b] Richard Browning [quote]Or wait, are you going to now claim that these fluids travel [i]back[/i] to the brain and spine after realizing that this woman's sacred temple "do no want"?[/quote]Much in the same way that the fluids are forced out of the spine/brain and out of the male organ, they are sucked back up like a vacuum after the orgasm. I hope that clears things up. Thanks. :-) [/quote] After this statement, I must assume that you do not have the cold hard facts I asked for, seeing as this is impossible. If they come out at all, they come out every time. Nothing can stop it. I'm sorry, but It is now obvious that you were making totally incorrect statements about the side effects of self pleasure, to help teens with the light of God. If I see one more absurd post or message, I will stop the politeness, and call you out, my Atheist way.[/quote] No more Mr. Nice atheist!
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[quote][b]Posted by:[/b] Richard Browning [quote][b]Posted by:[/b] Dream053 [quote][b]Posted by:[/b] Richard Browning So, if all this [i]were[/i] possible, you're telling me that liquids would then be propelled back up the genitalia and reverse its pathway right to where it began? Are you also assuming that it will only "vacuum" up liquids originally dispersed, rather than sucking up part of the woman's fluids as well? Sounds to me like you've got some woman-juice clogging your brain. Good night.[/quote]The "woman juice" is sucked up as well, yes, but it is quickly destroyed by the body's immune system. Of course, if someone who already has a weakened immune system from wanking too much finally engages in healthy interactions with a woman, the "juices" may not be destroyed and could lead to serious infections. Thanks. -Richard Browning[/quote] ok, i am going to for arguments sake that this happens Why are a mans cerebro spinal fliuds floating around in his ejaculate. And How is the blood brain barrier mended when it all gets sucked back into the brain.
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[quote][b]Posted by:[/b] Richard Browning [quote][b]Posted by:[/b] Dream053 [quote][b]Posted by:[/b] Richard Browning So, if all this [i]were[/i] possible, you're telling me that liquids would then be propelled back up the genitalia and reverse its pathway right to where it began? Are you also assuming that it will only "vacuum" up liquids originally dispersed, rather than sucking up part of the woman's fluids as well? Sounds to me like you've got some woman-juice clogging your brain. Good night.[/quote]The "woman juice" is sucked up as well, yes, but it is quickly destroyed by the body's immune system. Of course, if someone who already has a weakened immune system from wanking too much finally engages in healthy interactions with a woman, the "juices" may not be destroyed and could lead to serious infections. Thanks. -Richard Browning[/quote] lookes like richard has some [url=http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FDLLTeYb9ec]-blam!-l fluid on the brain[/url]. LULZ RICHARD I DIDN'T KNOW YOU WERE A DIQ!
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[quote][b]Posted by:[/b] Richard Browning [quote][b]Posted by:[/b] Dream053 [quote][b]Posted by:[/b] Richard Browning So, if all this [i]were[/i] possible, you're telling me that liquids would then be propelled back up the genitalia and reverse its pathway right to where it began? Are you also assuming that it will only "vacuum" up liquids originally dispersed, rather than sucking up part of the woman's fluids as well? Sounds to me like you've got some woman-juice clogging your brain. Good night.[/quote]The "woman juice" is sucked up as well, yes, but it is quickly destroyed by the body's immune system. Of course, if someone who already has a weakened immune system from wanking too much finally engages in healthy interactions with a woman, the "juices" may not be destroyed and could lead to serious infections. Thanks. -Richard Browning[/quote] ROFL, now I'm done with this thread And, what are the odds: as soon as I opened this I got of the shower O.o
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Extremely successful troll is extremely successful.
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Edit: just realized he created his account yesterday...Stupid troll....and I responded....damn. [Edited on 07.05.2008 10:42 PM PDT]
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Wow, I don't think Bnet has ever banned a preacher, before. I wonder what kind of bad karma that would entail. Let's find out! BAN HIM!!!
