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7/6/2008 5:15:59 AM
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The Dangers of Intimate Interactions With Oneself

Hello, friends...my name is Richard Browning, and I am a Southern Baptist preacher, school teacher, and father of three. I bought an Xbox 360 and Halo 3 several weeks ago and really enjoy the game--I find its religious parallels absolutely fantastic and can't get enough of it! This has lead me to this site and its forums...while I did not come here for much other than to converse with other Halo-lovers, I've noticed that many of the members here are young, teenage boys with raging hormones. I've noticed many threads asking for "girl help" and similar things, and I feel it is my duty to post this. So listen up, sons, it's time to be educated in the ways of our Father in Heaven! The "spam filter" on this site prevents me from using proper terminology, so I will use some well-recognized "slang" terms. Now, I'm not one to beat around the bush, so to speak, so I'll come out and say it: "Self gratification", also known as "jerking off", "spanking the monkey", or "pulling the laughy-taffy". I realize that the urge for self gratification is strong, but remember sons, it means one thing to you; death. Yes, death. It has been clinically proven that self gratification leads to lose of brain cells and weakens the immune system, eventually leading to AIDS, mental incapacitation, and death. As Doctor Robert Bronson of Lincolnville, SC says, "If you take to pleasuring yourself, your spinal fluid will drip out the tip of your -censored- and you will eventually die. This is a proven medical fact, and yet I don't hear enough people cautioning others about the dangers of this practice." Another reason not to do it--God will damn you to hell for it. Intimate feelings and urges are there only so that a married couple may produce offspring. In this context, it is quite alright for contact, but in any other situation, it is the work of Lucifer as he attempts to invade your mind! Stand tall and true, sons of God--remember your faith and cast aside the devil! Your "laughy taffy" will bring you only death and an eternity of suffering in hell. In conclusion, sons, remember--it may feel good now, but it will lead to serious consequences down the road! Only the ordained copulation of a married couple is healthy, as the woman's crevice keeps the brain fluids from leaking out. That is all. May God be with you, kids, and remember--try as he may, satan can never pierce your heart unless you let him! God bless--repent now! Thank you. -Richard Browning [Edited on 07.05.2008 9:17 PM PDT]
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  • I will continue my politeness from our exchanged messages of this matter. [quote][b]Posted by:[/b] Richard Browning [quote]Or wait, are you going to now claim that these fluids travel [i]back[/i] to the brain and spine after realizing that this woman's sacred temple "do no want"?[/quote]Much in the same way that the fluids are forced out of the spine/brain and out of the male organ, they are sucked back up like a vacuum after the orgasm. I hope that clears things up. Thanks. :-) [/quote] After this statement, I must assume that you do not have the cold hard facts I asked for, seeing as this is impossible. If they come out at all, they come out every time. Nothing can stop it. I'm sorry, but It is now obvious that you were making totally incorrect statements about the side effects of self pleasure, to help teens with the light of God. If I see one more absurd post or message, I will stop the politeness, and call you out, my Atheist way.
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  • [quote][b]Posted by:[/b] EvilKiwi98 You my friend, are wrong. God forgives [i] any [/i] sin, and beatin your meat isn't even a sin. Your giving us Christians a bad name...gtfo.[/quote] I agree.
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  • You my friend, are wrong. God forgives [i] any [/i] sin, and beatin your meat isn't even a sin. Your giving us Christians a bad name...gtfo.
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  • who the hell brought this thread back to life? burn in hell. nao.
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  • I hate people like this who go. OMG IT R IN TEH BIBLE IT MUST BE RIGHT. try thinking when you read the bible.
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  • Richard Browning is simply jealous that we have dicks and he doesnt, hes simply sad that hes missing out on all the fun, so he makes up bull-blam!-. Spinal fluids? Brain fluids? please. If this were true, we would all be writhing on the ground spineless and braindead. Which we aren't. So GTFO of the internet Richard Browning [url=http://www.fight4kids.com/Sad_Man.jpg]THIS THREAD AND RICHARD BROWNING[/url]
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  • Wow...these old school christians always make me laugh. Either that or he is a massively successful troll.
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  • Why must you make us chirstains look bad? have you no shame?
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  • Liez. totally untrue, Aids is an immune system disorder not from jerkin off. I will prove you wrong with whatever means I have to. lol. [Edited on 07.07.2008 4:58 PM PDT]
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  • My roflcopter just got to Mars and is still going!
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  • Nah, he'd make it so it would only feel good to stick it in a woman's "crevice". Any other way and it would burn like fire.
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  • If God didn't want us to -blam!-e, wouldn't he make our arms smaller?
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  • I think my roflcopter just exited atmo...
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  • Same, they always update my favorite pr0n sites at midnight.
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  • you know what, I'm outta here. I got better things to do. *grabs tissues*
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  • [quote][b]Posted by:[/b] XB0XDEM0N I secksualy assulted myself lastnight....[/quote] you said no but you knew you wanted it
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  • [quote][b]Posted by:[/b] ElDude95 [quote][b]Posted by:[/b] The Wulfman I am god. Also, I have pleasured myself every day (maybe skipped a few, whatever) for three years, and have a 3.8 GPA. So suck it.[/quote]I'd rather not.[/quote] whoa, you are WAY behind, dude
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  • Well it is Sunday tomarrow, or today depending on where you are. I'm sure he's going to mention the godless heathens on B.net in his sermon tomarrow. Hey, anyone else notice how sermon sounds a lot like the stuff that Richard thinks is "spinal fluid"?
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  • [quote][b]Posted by:[/b] The Wulfman I am god. Also, I have pleasured myself every day (maybe skipped a few, whatever) for three years, and have a 3.8 GPA. So suck it.[/quote]I'd rather not.
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  • yeah, on second thought I agree with Obi_Wan [Edited on 07.05.2008 10:48 PM PDT]
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  • [quote][b]Posted by:[/b] TUI_Obi_Wan Let's all go masterb-8 and let this thread die.[/quote] agreed
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  • Let's all go masterb-8 and let this thread die.
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  • I secksualy assulted myself lastnight....
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  • Heh...this thread makes me laugh and cry at the same time...and yet, I'm finding it strangely arrousing...hmmm, dead kitty sex plux mayb? :-D [quote][b]Posted by:[/b] Richard Browning I'm sorry, but I must turn in for the night. I wish I could answer more of your questions (the ones posed in a civil manner, at least), but I've had a long day. I may reply to this topic tomorrow morning, or perhaps post a new one. Who knows? Well, that's it...good night, and God bless! Thanks. -Richard Browning[/quote]Looks like he's off to bed for the night...damn, his replies were so amusing, too. :-/ *Nibbles on kitten* [Edited on 07.05.2008 10:46 PM PDT]
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  • he always returned a legitament arguement with silence. And when you called him out on it it turned into grade a bullcrap.
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  • he just joined bungie yesterday
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