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2/8/2008 7:06:07 AM
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Essay: Lone Wolf

[quote][b][u][i]Lone Wolf[/i][/u][/b] Canis Lupus, a beautiful canine with a gray coat tinted with white and black, flourishing in the wind. With her glossy black claws pointing out of her paws, used to help her in all her endeavors. Striking silver eyes that glisten in the shadow of the moon, and the bright light of the sun. She was built as a carnivore, teeth as sharp as jagged rocks. Her steps are tense and soft against the snowy ground. She is a gentle creature, roaming the forests; taking in all that nature gives her. Her hunting is a vivid demonstration of how wolves are well adapted to their surroundings. She distinguishes friend from foe, enemy from ally. Always cautious, always alert, even as she rests. Kiki was her name, and she was a timber wolf in an admirable arctic forest. Snow drizzled trees surrounded her and her pack. She knew what was happening around her, every step she made she observed the setting around her. She was a respected part of the pack, taking on the responsibilities of a mother, a friend, and an adversary. Her pups, Kiba, Toko, Kalo, and Crystal, frolicked around the bushes and snow, like three children playing at a playground. Biting playfully at each other, they taunted one another with snarls and growls. As they leaped from step to step, the snow collected along their sides, shaking it off they continued to pace near the pack. They were being watched by the rest of the pack, making sure that they were safe, and out of harms way. As night came, the wolves settled under a rock that was shading them from the falling snowflakes. As they were about to calm down and huddle around the pups, flashing lights came flickering from the distance. Bombastic noises were coming from each side of the pack. The lights flashed brighter, and brighter as they came closer and closer to where they were. Adrenaline was running through Kiki’s body. She was obligated to protect her pack. She leaped in front of her peers, and began to sneer and growl at the lights coming near her. Lips started to rise as her sharpened white teeth started to appear. The blood circulating through her body made her heart race like no other. The shadowy figures came closer to where she was fixed. She suddenly feels a sharp pinching pain on her body. Before she could see their faces, she blacked out, falling to the ground she let out a soft groan. Trying to get up, determined in her mind, she was unable. She was limp, her body numb. She hears whimpers around her, noises, bushes moving all around, and footsteps. Her eyes slowly close, she is in agony. Wanting to get up and protect her and the wolves that she annexed herself to. She fades into the mist of a deep sleep. Slowly shaking off snow out of her face, she smells familiar things, exactly how they were before. Her eyes were slowly opening as she was glancing about the area. The ground felt the same. Snow enveloped the rest of her body. The rock still staged above her. It is daytime now, the sun beating down on the snow covered trees above her. Her eyes hesitate to open. As her eyelids drag open she starts to vigorously look around her. Her pupils endure the light from the sun beating down on her. She waits for the sun to fade, her eyes still wondering. She’s hungry, her body shivering from the lack of food and water. She has to commit to standing; she attempts to lift herself up. Failing, she falls to the ground. Waiting for her strength to come to her, she sits up. Standing limp, she begins to walk softly across the frozen ground. Limping, becoming conscious, she walks in the direction of the sound of running water. Her ears are that of a machine, always listening. As she lingers closer to the stream she notices that the water is frozen over. She starts to walk along side the river trying to find a place where it has not yet become polar; luckily there is a small rift in the icy stream allowing her to access the water. Looking around her, sensing everything in her surroundings, she dips her head down. She gracefully takes sips of the water; cold to the touch of her tongue she slipped it back into her mouth. Risking the ice-cold touch of the water she takes another try at drinking the spring. Later that day, she regains some of her strength, but she is still weak. Oblivious to what happened to her pack and pups, she goes on. Determined to find them, she heaves on through the snow. She catches a small scent on the tip of her nose. Food, she thinks to herself. Trotting towards the smell, she sees smoke rising from the forest. As she comes closer, she discovers that there is a little cottage. The cottage settled along side the chilled brook. Chimney made of stone, the cottage stood proud. A picture perfect landscape, it was abreast snow-covered trees. Snow trickled off of the roof, as she stepped closer yards away from the home. Cautious, knowing that she was not aware of the existence of this place. She slowly allowed herself to come closer to this unknown occupancy. Stepping lightly, watching the activity around her, she gets closer and closer to the cabin. She examines the house from top to bottom. She notices some cut up wood in a pile along side the house. Kiki strides to the mountain of cut up wood, sniffing away at it. Picking up an unusual sent from them. Curious, she starts to rummage around the cottage. Leaning up against the logs she knocks one down, shocked, she jumps down and lowers her head as she investigates what just happened. Sheepishly she sniffs the fallen piece of wood. She then lets her guard down, now knowing what had happened. She starts exploring the front of the cottage; fond of the structure she sniffs about the building. She propped herself up onto the front of the house, inspecting a window. The window, snow blown, was blurred. Her breathe pressed against the window making it fog up. She leaped down, making commotion; she startled something and heard noises on the inside of this mysterious building. On the interior of the cottage, kids were startled by the noises coming from outside. Shivering from the cold and the abrupt bustle from outside, they got up turning off the television and started to evaluate the front of the cottage, through the window. Scared, Bri, a 12-year-old girl, walks up to the front door and opens it slowly. She arduously jumps back grabbing her little brother, George, age 10, by the arms. They started walking briskly towards the opened door, looking left and right. Thoughts ran through their minds, not knowing what it was that frightened them. Shocked by the activity inside the house and seeing the door ajar, Kiki hid behind some snow drawn bushes. Huddling lower to the ground, almost lying down, she watched the kids come out of the cottage, confused and surprised by what was happening they crept closer and closer to where Kiki was hiding. Innocently searching for the cause of the commotion, they were unsure about the distance between them and Kiki. Kiki creeps out of the bush very slowly, body to the ground, becoming submissive to the kids. Bri and George as startled as they were, jumped up in fear of the wolf. Unable to function, they stand in place. Kiki creeps up slowly towards the kids. As she gets closer to them, she dips lower to the ground, and starts to arch her back while stretching forward. She isn’t making any sudden movements; she doesn’t want to startle the kids anymore than she is startled. Coming within a couple of feet in distance from Bri and George she stops, mid-step. Her long silver tail tucked in the snow behind her, her body hugging the crisp white ice. Her ears veiled within her fur, her head lie steadily near her paws. Bri and George see that she is also fearful. Calmly, they take a step towards Kiki. In unison they start to dip lower to the ground, allowing Kiki to be knowledgeable of how they are no threat to her safety. Standing still, the kids watch Kiki as she gets up and nuzzles her nose at the base of their feet. Bri, slowly puts out her hand, waiting to see what Kiki does. Kiki looks up to the kids, thinking of her pups, she rests her paw in Bri’s open hand. [/quote] Okay, this is one of my more proud essays that I have written. Just wanted to post to see if you guys like it. I would like positive feedback, as this is my first time posting an actual story in The Flood. Tell me your thoughts. And yes, I know, I OVERuse commas....-_- I am aware. It seems long, but it doesn't take that long to read. :D Enjoy. It took me like, all day. Thanks again for those of you that are actually being apart of this. :) The anxiety of posting this is making my heart beat a lot....-_- Thanks Flood. -Kayla

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  • BUMP FOR THE FLOOD!

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    1 Reply
    • The literary gods laugh at you

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    • If only I liked to read, it probally is very good though!

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    • [quote][b]Posted by:[/b] Gamerz_Property And Envy....just nevermind....-_-[/quote]Why even put in this line if you aren't going to say anything eh? I say speak your mind and don't put in these little condescending one liners as a last ditch effort to show your fictional authority.

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    • I'll be honest: It was *yawn*, didn't hold my attention past 30 seconds. T'was bwhoring.

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    • [quote][b]Posted by:[/b] Gamerz_Property For the ones that are taking this totally like I just wrote a book, It's just like an hour of work....-_- It's not like I spent my life on it. So, of COURSE it isn't going to be GREAT, and I understand that.....-_-[/quote]I understand that it won't be great, but that doesn't mean it has to suck.

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    • [quote][b]Posted by:[/b] Gamerz_Property It seems long, but it doesn't take that long to read. :D Enjoy. [b]It took me like, all day.[/b][/quote] [quote][b]Posted by:[/b] Gamerz_Property For the ones that are taking this totally like I just wrote a book, [b]It's just like an hour of work[/b]....-_-[/quote]Hmmm. Oh, you use commas where they shouldn't be. Sorry, but it was kind of hard to understand what you were trying to say. I also think your choice of tense was a bit weird. Just saying.

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    • wow metroidrising you actually said some thing positive. grats [Edited on 02.11.2008 5:23 PM PST]

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    • [quote][b]Posted by:[/b] milla da killa Are yo a guy or a girl? No offence, but it seemed extremeley childish/girlish.[/quote]...I am a girl....-_- And Envy....just nevermind....-_-

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    • Ok, I'm just amazed O_o All you have to do is throw in some Shakespearian language and you'll have something epic.

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    • [quote][b]Posted by:[/b] Halifax No problem...I'm sorry I didn't notice this earlier and I hope I don't sound to nit-picky, but this is a pretty glaring error. You [b][i]can't[/b][/i] switch between present and past tense. Like, "She [b]licked[/b] her lips and [b]dips[/b] her head down". You have to pick one or the other and stick with it throughout the whole thing. Sorry I didn't mention that before, and I don't mean to take up more space in your thread with criticism, but it is pretty important and could be the difference between an A and a B.[/quote] Great point Hali. I didn't notice that the first time around.

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    • [quote][b]Posted by:[/b] Gamerz_Property For the ones that are taking this totally like I just wrote a book, It's just like an hour of work....-_- It's not like I spent my life on it. So, of COURSE it isn't going to be GREAT, and I understand that.....-_-[/quote]You said you spent all day on it and wanted to know how good it is. Next time I'll remember not to treat you seriously and act like you are a 3 year old who just drew her first picture.

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    • [quote][b]Posted by:[/b] milla da killa Are yo a guy or a girl? No offence, but it seemed extremeley childish/girlish.[/quote] Check the gamertag. I'll read it later after I watch my movie.

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    • Are yo a guy or a girl? No offence, but it seemed extremeley childish/girlish.

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    • What the hell were you thinking? I mean really; What. The. -blam!-?!? Half of the essay wasn't even comprised of actual sentences and you're [i]proud[/i] of that? They're called [b]verbs[/b]; use them. "Kiki?" Are you kidding me? Surely this must be a joke, right? No?!? Well then I guess you're just mentally retarded. A lying retard at that: you said you worked [i]all[/i] day on that essay in your original post, then after enough criticism you claim to only have done it in an hour; way to attempt to cover your pathetic ass. You should just come out and say, "Yeah, that's really not a good essay, not even for people my age. Sorry for wasting your time guys." And to all of you dolts out there flattering this piece of -blam!-, learn to read; this is deplorable and I've seen third graders write more structurally sound essays. If you people can't tell the difference, then I feel bad for you all and your small brains. I'd rather impale myself on a cleaver than read any more garbage from you, Gamerz. Good day. [Edited on 02.08.2008 7:01 PM PST]

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    • I'm lazy so I decided not to read it. I haven't been in a reading mood lately I guess. I think I told Corbec that these are the stories that I would love to print out and read when I had time, but not from a web browser.

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    • It's pretty good!

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    • For the ones that are taking this totally like I just wrote a book, It's just like an hour of work....-_- It's not like I spent my life on it. So, of COURSE it isn't going to be GREAT, and I understand that.....-_-

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    • Interesting story. Somewhat rich word choice. Choppy-sounding sentences, though, and some lack non-gerund verbs. [Edited on 02.08.2008 6:27 AM PST]

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    • Well, I loved that story. =D

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    • [quote][b]Posted by:[/b] Ghandi 2 I have to agree with envy. My post didn't convey how pervasive the grammar issues were because I do not have time to run down every sentence. Seriously, nearly every sentence needs to be fixed in some way, for punctuation, awkwardness, or poor word choice. Someone who is currently banned said that he thought I was nitpicking. That is true. So now I will address broader issues, while trying to avoid saying things like "You need to rewrite this entire plotline". Because even if that's what I more or less think because I have a cold, black heart, it's not very helpful. Wolves don't have names. They're wolves. They're not cute, they're vicious predators. Calling it Kiki is incomprehensible. Why Kiki? Why the puppies' names? Kalo? What? Why does it even have to have a name? It's only ever talking about one wolf, it's not like they talk to each other. It can just be the wolf and her puppies. How did she get so lost after she was shot? I'm assuming she was shot, although it's not very clear and the people lack a motive. The ending is not only cloying (wolves don't know "shake"), it is not an ending. There's no closure on the puppies, or the pack, or even Kiki. She just thinks about them and performs a stupid pet trick. Then it's over, for all we know the kids' father came back and shot her right after. Bah, that's it, I need to go to bed. Oh, and Lone Wolf is a really cliche title that you should change. It probably doesn't even really work, since a large part of the story is about the puppies too. Just because Kiki is currently alone doesn't make her a lone wolf. But that could be 4am talking. Even still, you should change the title. Common phrases don't make for interesting titles.[/quote]Basically what I was thinking, I'm just too tired and lazy to type a summary on something I don't care very much about. I said my teacher would give an 87 in mechanics mostly because anything that someone genuinely writes will get a high B or an A. That story would make a decent children's story but it is anything an imaginative teenage girl can write about her favorite animal.

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    • I have to agree with envy. My post didn't convey how pervasive the grammar issues were because I do not have time to run down every sentence. Seriously, nearly every sentence needs to be fixed in some way, for punctuation, awkwardness, or poor word choice. Someone who is currently banned said that he thought I was nitpicking. That is true. So now I will address broader issues, while trying to avoid saying things like "You need to rewrite this entire plotline". Because even if that's what I more or less think because I have a cold, black heart, it's not very helpful. Wolves don't have names. They're wolves. They're not cute, they're vicious predators. Calling it Kiki is incomprehensible. Why Kiki? Why the puppies' names? Kalo? What? Why does it even have to have a name? It's only ever talking about one wolf, it's not like they talk to each other. It can just be the wolf and her puppies. How did she get so lost after she was shot? I'm assuming she was shot, although it's not very clear and the people lack a motive. The ending is not only cloying (wolves don't know "shake"), it is not an ending. There's no closure on the puppies, or the pack, or even Kiki. She just thinks about them and performs a stupid pet trick. Then it's over, for all we know the kids' father came back and shot her right after. Bah, that's it, I need to go to bed. Oh, and Lone Wolf is a really cliche title that you should change. It probably doesn't even really work, since a large part of the story is about the puppies too. Just because Kiki is currently alone doesn't make her a lone wolf. But that could be 4am talking. Even still, you should change the title. Common phrases don't make for interesting titles. [Edited on 02.08.2008 12:55 AM PST]

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    • Aside from a few small things, it's quite good. Not to mention it actually held my attention, and that's not an easy feat, especially when it's 3:45am. I can barely get through stuff like that during the day. Good job. =) *passes out*

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    • Hmm well it's definitely girly. Sounds a bit too much like a kid's story in my opinion. My English teacher would give you a 87 in content and an F in mechanics(sentence structure, commas, etc.) [Edited on 02.08.2008 1:06 AM PST]

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    • Wolves piss on themselves and cannibalize injured pack members.

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    • In giant blocks, without quote boxes because that would be huge. Proof for punctuation errors, redunancy, and awkward word choice; I only got through the very beginning for that, and pointed out some of the more egregious examples or ones that just bothered me for some reason.. "Canis Lupus, a beautiful canine with a gray coat tinted with white and black, flourishing in the wind. With her glossy black claws pointing out of her paws, used to help her in all her endeavors. Striking silver eyes that glisten in the shadow of the moon, and the bright light of the sun. Always cautious, always alert, even as she rests. Picking up an unusual sent from them. " None of these are sentences. You are not a professional writer, you should not use sentence fragments. Don't switch tenses, this is really important! "She is a gentle creature, roaming the forests; taking in all that nature gives her. Her hunting is a vivid demonstration of how wolves are well adapted to their surroundings. She distinguishes friend from foe, enemy from ally. Always cautious, always alert, even as she rests. As they leaped from step to step, the snow collected along their sides, shaking it off they continued to pace near the pack. As they were about to calm down and huddle around the pups, flashing lights came flickering from the distance. Bombastic noises were coming from each side of the pack. The lights flashed brighter, and brighter as they came closer and closer to where they were. Lips started to rise as her sharpened white teeth started to appear. The blood circulating through her body made her heart race like no other." Revise for word choice/awkwardness/making sense. Heart race like no other is a particularly bad offender. "She was a respected part of the pack, taking on the responsibilities of a mother, a friend, and an adversary." Adversary makes no sense. "Limping, becoming conscious, she walks in the direction of the sound of running water. As she lingers closer to the stream she notices that the water is frozen over." You can't hear water if it's frozen over. "She starts to walk along side the river trying to find a place where it has not yet become polar; luckily there is a small rift in the icy stream allowing her to access the water." Polar is incorrect word choice, access is awkward, and I don't quite follow the rift. Rifts don't just spontaneously form, it's [b]cold[/b]. "Risking the ice-cold touch of the water she takes another try at drinking the spring." You said it was a stream, now you're calling it a spring. There's a difference. Gah, present tense! "Kiki looks up to the kids, thinking of her pups, she rests her paw in Bri’s open hand." Ugh. Wolves rarely attack humans, but stay away from such cliche Hallmark stuff. You've already heavily anthropomorphized this wolf, taking it to this level is unbelievable and sickeningly sacharrine. A real wolf would run away from people. Even if it doesn't perceive them to be a threat, they are strange and it's not something it would risk without a strong incentive, like food. [Edited on 02.08.2008 12:35 AM PST]

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