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Destiny

Discuss all things Destiny.

Edited by DukeSkywatcher: 8/29/2014 3:35:52 PM
101

Destiny, Hope, and PTSD

Forgive the length... I don't know why I'm writing this specifically. It may be because of the state of the world as it is. I could have been inspired as I was getting lab work done at the Veteran's Hospital here in Pensacola this morning. The hundreds of patients, the majority of which seem to be far older than I am, never fail to make me tear up, but I'm a bit of a crybaby anyway. More than likely, I just want to write this to get my thoughts somewhere other than my head. I'm posting this because, well, I have ptsd and clinical depression. A few back problems, but nothing a deep massage can't really fix. Most of my wounds are invisible. Most. I disagree with suicide more than anything, having for some misfortune or reason been exposed to suicides as the leading cause of death for people I have known, and lost, in my life. As far as military loss: We lost one brother in Baghdad, not to the constant bullets and rockets, but a malformed valve in his heart while he was exercising during the rare few hours of respite in squad rotation. That was probably what made it especially difficult. We all thought we were invincible back then. On my second deployment, while my squad was walking to the truck to leave the wire, a single gunshot rang out from another platoon's sleeping area. A Marine we all knew had shot himself in bed, after finding out his wife was unfaithful. We saw the strange Iraqi firetrucks come, turned and left. We had a patrol to do and would find out what happened after. The fact that they required us to take classes to better reintegrate into civilian life once your contract is nearly over struck me as odd then. I hadn't really experienced anything other than the military job wise, besides cleaning pools, and being a pool boy is definitely not as appealing as it is in certain fifteen minute videos. I met a new woman, I started playing more music, took my "art" seriously and painting on everything. I got engaged, started working around town and spent as much time as possible with my amazing immediate family. I tried college, but that all just seemed so arbitrary. Fake. I didn't want any part of it after enough of it. Be it malady or enlightenment, I'll surely see soon. In all of this, I was ice skating uphill with the VA in pursuit of care. Then personal connections started eroding. That amazing woman turned out to be anything but. After four anxiety attacks that I could only describe as Hellish, I sold my phone. I deleted my social media. (well, tried with facebook, you bastards) My dad got sick and lost his job. My parents started fighting. My sister got married and had a baby. my brothers moved away. Here's where it gets relevant, and sorry it took so long with my personal diatribe: I bought an Xbox one, I hated it. I sold it and still don't care. Gaming was always a constant and happy part of my life. My earliest memories are of me and my younger brother, staying up late with my dad playing Mario/Duckhunt on the floor of our living room. When we inevitably fell asleep, my dad would stay up as late as he could to get to the end. When me and my brother woke up, we'd rock paper scissors to get to fight the boss and save the princess. Yet, suddenly, nothing in the pantheon of incredible recollections from my favorite hobby at all seemed appealing. Nothing really did, but this struck me harder than anything once I realized this. Whatever that means, I have always thought that while no person has ever asked to be born, we are all just dealing with it. As well or poorly as possible. I am a Bungie fan. In that gilded chest of the aforementioned incredible recollections exist not less than a metric -blam!- ton of times I smiled so much my face hurt playing their games. I've played Destiny now. My passion has absolutely been reignited, among more than a few other amazing turn arounds thanks to my friends, and my family's dumb luck that somehow manages to let us pull our asses out of the fire at the last possible second, rudder smoking as we stabilize. I don't know if a system will ever be in place to make the world just, or truly equal as we should be, but though life is sad, it is always beautiful. I assure you, this is the most exciting possible time to be alive. No matter what. This is the time when we either solidify our intent as a species to succeed, get off this rock, and embrace our destiny as caretakers, but temporary residents of the earth...or unmake our past and make certain we die out while nature and the cosmos move on inexorably toward the future. There is hope. Always. We are all part of the same thing. No matter how much worse we may think we've had it. That's negating the whole point. Thank you so much for reading, Guardians, see you starside. And thank you Bungie, for putting the biggest smiles back on my face and new friends into my life.
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  • wtf did I just not read?
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    • Tl;dr Way too long..
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      • Bump
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        • Well, because no one else wants to say it: That was beautifully written. Well done.
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          • Keep your mind occupied and make yourself busy. I hear the Pcola VA gets good reviews, use it when you need it.
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          • Wow you have seen / hard a lot of stuff bro I mean I don't see how it has to do with destiny but that stuff must make you think a lot life a lot I bet
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            • It seems that you sir have truly taken on the role of guardian. You have stood in the face of darkness and personal demons, spit in their face and said "I welcome this battle because this is My place on the battlefield, now is My time to protect that which I value and hold dear" Fight on brother! The Darkness cannot win, not as long as Legends stand tall.
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              • The VA can be hard to work with, you just gotta keep on top of em about stuff. I was a submariner, where suicidal tendencies become so commonplace, it's hard to keep the issue in perspective. Thanks for your service and your sacrifice, man. Hit me up if you wanna talk. It's a hard life, but if not us, then who?
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              • Beautiful! This is why I love gaming, cause you hear stories like yours and it gives me hope that there is still good in the world! Keep fighting guardian, never lose hope! See you starside!
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              • I love how you wrote this, and how you explained everything so eloquently. How you practiced the power of speech in one fell swoop struck me as inspiring, hopeful, and having faith despite how things may be in this time. You have my rifle if you ever get an Xbox 360. You are a true Guardian and I would gladly meet you on the field of duty.
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                • Thank you for writing this.
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                  • I also hope we figure how to get off this rock when we all become one and united as humans.
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                  • Thanks for this. It really lifted my spirits :).
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                    • Wow. Thank you for posting your story and you thoughts. if everyone had your outlook on life, alot if not all the problems in the world would evaporate. Thank you fellow guardian. Iooking forward to some friendly battles with you in the fields of justice. SYSS
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                    • This... Is the most beautiful writing I've ever seen. Someday, we will walk in the light of other stars. That someday could next week, next year, or next century, but the time will come for us to branch out from our home here on Earth, and bask in the solar rays of another sun, whether that star be a red giant or a white dwarf. See you starside, guardian.[spoiler]maybe.[/spoiler]
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                    • Just so you know, there is research that shows playing Tetris can help alleviate PTSD symptoms. It does this by filling your head with a need to fit everyday shapes into Tetrises. It kind of overloads the brain and redirects your thoughts. Since you are a gamer, I thought it might be something worth your time to look into. See if you can't find an original GB somewhere for cheap. Good luck brother.
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                      • Edited by EL ROCKSTEADY: 8/29/2014 3:01:21 AM
                        Thanks for sharing. As only an opinion, I would at least keep it on your mind to maybe go back to school. School sucks especially if the motivation is not there, but its something that can impact your life positively in many many ways. At the very least it will give you some extra options. We cant know what we are going to like or have interest in, in the future. Thanks for your service and good luck to you. We could certainly use someone like you against the darkness :)
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                        • 1
                          Pure Ninja 04
                          Pure Ninja 04

                          Don't worry... About a thing - old

                          I was never military but I share some crazy resemblance to your life. I worked as a medic (So cal area) for 6 years seeing some messed up stuff. Still have nightmares, but it is what it is. I also now work in a lab and remember that same excitement gaming back in the day. The beta also re ignited my love of gaming. Bungie always gets the job done. Just know you're not the only one out there like yourself and thanks for serving for us despite how messed up some Americans are.
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                          • I just want to thank you sir for your service to our country and for sharing this with the community. Although I have never served I'm the son of a Vietnam vet and I've seen my Dad go through some hard times. It's a very difficult thing and unfortunately all to often an unspoken thing at least for his generation. Thank you again for sharing this. On September the 9th when my Warlock is taking his first steps into the tower I'll be thinking of this and hoping you're having as good a time as we all will. Eyes up Guardian.
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                            • Bump. Thank you for taking the time to share this all with us. Your story really inspired me in a way and gave me light, being that I haven't been feeling too bright lately. I'm only years old 16 but for the 16 years I have been on this planet I've had a good amount of emotional distress and pressure put on my back, sometimes more than I could handle so I can somewhat relate to your story as I've experienced more minor forms of depression. I really appreciate these types of posts and you seem like an amazing person to know. If you happen to be on PS4 add me my PSN will be Huntavex. If not, feel free to PM me whenever.
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                              • As an Iraqi vet I feel your pain brother. I was glad to read you are getting the help you need and deserve. Keep love in your heart mind and soul. Hope to see you on the line.
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                              • Hooah
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                              • Edited by jthom999: 8/29/2014 4:19:13 AM
                                Well said brother. I'm glad you're able to find some solace in something. I work with veterans that are trying to transition from military service to college life. I see more thousand yard stares than I would care to. It can be tough, but you just have to work past it. I didn't really know what to do when I was done. I spent 10 years in and around the Army, and when they GWOT was "over" I felt like my purpose in life had been removed. I've spent my time since taking advantage of the Post 9/11 GI Bill and helping others do the same. So far, it's worked for me. We started a Military and Veteran Alliance of clans if you feel like playing with some folks that might understand where you're coming from. There are currently eight clans if you're looking for a home. I'll shoot you an invite, but don't feel obligated...
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                              • I hope you realize you are a real "Guardian". Thanks for the defending the last safe city on Earth. Appreciate your service.
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                              • Edited by Supremevil: 8/29/2014 4:19:05 AM
                                Dear TommyNoShirts, I understand what you have been feeling all these years. No, life is not fair... and we, as humans really just have to deal with it the best way we can; and for many, in the worst way, because that's all some know. I have been through a myriad of sadness and troubles, though they may not be as crazy as yours.. But I have learned that through all the sadness and struggle, always comes relief...in some sort of way. I have found this relief in many sorts of ways, but through gaming I feel like I can truly just enjoy life. I have been a gamer my entire life, always wanting to buy this game or that game, and having the new console..etc; and even though people look at me and question "Why do you love games so much?" or of course give that glare of spending too much money on things that just aren't worth it..but really .. gaming is my sanctuary. When I play games, I feel like I can get out of this chaotic zone we call world, and go into some fantasy world where I have the powers to do so many things. I wasn't too big on the Halo series because I have been a playstation fan my whole life, but I recognized how it affected so many people; but the theory is just the same; whether it be magic princess pony land (lol) or something like killing zombies. It's the reason why people play games..to get out of their own 'bodies' , so to say, and become something more than they could ever hope...something they could only achieve in dreams..like killing dragons and ruling over civilizations. Of course I love enjoying so many things on this Earth, because there really are so many things to enjoy outside of gaming..whether it's hanging out with friends or just taking a walk by myself, breathing and taking in the beautiful nature around me....but games are a different situation haha. I am glad that you had the courage to talk about your life so openly, and I hope that we can play destiny together.. What console will you be playing on? Sincerely, You're fellow gamer
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                              • Thank you. For so many things, thank you. Id be happy to talk or play with you anytime!
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