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Edited by ShittyWriter69: 12/27/2013 3:24:59 AM
12

The lonely tear

[quote]Sitting on a bench by herself in the empty park the lady started to reflect on her life. She was a lot like this bench, she was in a big world surrounded by people she didn't know who would only use her at their convenience and then leave. She remembered her childhood when she was picked on by everyone in her school because of her looks, She remembered her marriage that fell apart, and she remembered how alone she was. She tried to hold in her tears because she was tough, she was taught not to cry, to hold it in but she couldn't anymore. A small tear started to roll down her cheek. As the lady started to cry she gave life to another. Her lone tear was alive. It started as a little drop slowing falling from her eye, the tear was confused. It didn't know where it was or what it was. All it knew was that something wasn't quite right. The tear started to feel a wide array of emotions. It was anxious, it didn't know where it was going but it was set on a path and it couldn't stop. The tear started to feel Angry. Why was it here? Where was it going? Why couldn't it stop? The tear started to feel lonely. It was all by itself on a path it couldn't control, with an inevitable doom waiting for it. As the tear gave up on hope and let his emotions take control of him, he looked up and saw the lady and knew he wasn't alone. He would have her to keep him company on his journey to the unknown. The tear was happy. [/quote] Let me know what you think, not my greatest but I was bored. I felt like an emo 12 year old writing this...
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  • Holy crap that was so good!
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    • Edited by Jack Reacher: 12/28/2013 3:26:58 AM
      Using context clues, I have deducted that the tear is gay
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      • TL;DR is what I think.
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      • lol op is an emo 12 year old
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        • Awwww :') all these feels
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          • You stole my story!
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            • The -blam!- is this? I LOVE IT!
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              • Cute.
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                • So good, 69/69
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                • Edited by Gojira: 12/26/2013 11:04:59 PM
                  nice idea, but your writing style hampers it a bit. -semicolon/colon usage ("She was a lot like this bench, she was in a big world surrounded by people she didn't know who would only use her at their convenience and then leave." should be "She was a lot like this bench; she was in a big world surrounded by people she didn't know who would only use her at their convenience and then leave.) -pronoun usage ("it", "she," etc. are self referential throughout the work. i suppose) -overuse of metaphors/personification within your second paragraphs hampers any emotional attachment (break this paragraph up into multiple paragraphs, you bring up soooo many new ideas in it) -sentence flow is choppy etc. [spoiler]am srry, i'm skyping and typing so i can't go in depth :( you should be fine with revision though[/spoiler]
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                  • 6/10
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                    • So good.
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