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7/21/2013 7:03:12 AM
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a tall man kicks down your door one night...

he hands you a letter and tells you that you're a wizard. how do you react?
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  • Take that tard to court. He just kicked my damn door down!
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  • Proceed to tell him I'm Just Harry, then get him to say I'll get an owl. Then shout "I'M GOING TO -blam!-ING PUT MY DICK IN THE OWL"
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    • use my magic to get high seriously, no one ever considers that wizards have spells for this
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      • I'm a what?
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        • A tall night kicks down your man last door/parody threads
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        • I wake up.
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        • Ala-ka-zwag.
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        • That tall man would get as far as kicking down my door before my dog is jumping and biting his face and I'm hitting him with a machete. Don't be kicking down my door, when I'm sleeping.
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        • is your name hagrid if not get outta here *holding spas-12*
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        • *14* I've been waiting three years Hagrid. What. The. Hell.
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          • Harry Potter is described as being small and skinny on account of being deprived of food. He also lives in a tiny cupboard underneath the stairs. To get any closer to the textbook definition of child abuse, you'd have to start punching kids yourself. Harry is checked on by secret owl social workers. Also, Harry's aunt and uncle literally refuse to acknowledge him as a human being for most of his childhood. That's emotional neglect, which is good enough for jail time in most states. Even if 99 percent of what they say is stupid, you still can't just pretend your kids don't exist without the authorities intervening at some point. Just when the abuse and neglect are getting to be too much, Harry Potter is saved by a giant man on a magical flying motorcycle. This man takes Harry away to a place where he is wealthy, has tons of friends and can make snakes burst forth from the anus of any soul who dares to cross him. Oh, he's also the best Quidditch player ever and a magician the likes of which are only seen performing levitation tricks on the streets of Las Vegas. A lucky break for a kid who needed one desperately? Perhaps, but the more likely explanation for this turn of events is that Harry Potter is coping with his abusive home life by escaping into a fantasy world. It's been documented that victims of abuse can escape into an alternate reality of sorts for years at a time when trying to deal with an abusive situation. Just ... don't think about what the wand represents. We accept that this is the far more depressing of the two options, but does it really make less sense than a homeless wizard on a flying motorcycle? Also ... Now this is where things get weird. Throughout the series, Harry is sent to the school hospital no less than six times. Not only does that far outpace any reported ER visits by his classmates, but his injuries stand out as well. While classmates visit for things like having their "skin complexion altered to resemble cornflakes," Harry tends to get injured in more pedestrian ways, like a cracked skull or broken arm. Even more interestingly, there is almost always a bizarre, long-winded explanation for how these injuries happened. Sadly, that's just another clear sign of using fantasy to cope with abuse. For starters, broken bones and head injuries are among the most common injuries children will sustain when suffering from prolonged child abuse. To combat the pain, victims will often concoct elaborate stories to explain their injuries. You know, like saying you were injured because an elf cursed a magical steel baseball and made it smash you in the arm. Over time, these stories will change and evolve, often revealing inconsistencies that might not make sense to the person on the outside listening in. And that's why ... By far, one of the biggest criticisms of the Harry Potter series was the amount of stuff Rowling seemingly pulled out of her ass to explain the myriad details that made no sense. But if you buy into the theory that it's all in Harry's head, there's a perfectly simple explanation for that. As Harry got more mature, his own -blam!-ed-up mind tried to explain away all of the unbelievable things his younger self came up with to avoid shattering the fantasy he'd created. Plot holes aren't the real issue here. So, is the Harry Potter universe a massively flawed world where nothing makes sense because of shitty writing or a carefully woven tapestry of lies that eventually unravels as Harry slowly starves to death in his abusive uncle's cupboard?
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            • So that explains my ability to fly when I have a broom.
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            • Fap.
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              • I'd call the cops.
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              • 1.Get my cat to talk 2.find a girl that loves me.. Then have a romantic dinner, lights dimmed smell of prime stake.. Three candles at their peak red table cover for luxurieness clean cut for me with my facial hair at its stubble; her at her lust. Steak simmered in the finest of gold lobster, wine of purple Frances finest. Walk her home 0.3 Km heart beat at 13 BPS. Kiss her red lipstick lips pupils dilated 0.07 cm, smell of my pores releasing sexual aroma. Take her to the penthouse 546 steps; 6 floors up. Strip her naked and.. That's all I'm going I'm not getting another account banned. But in the end we ended up having 5 kids and 27 cats and are house caught on fire. The end.
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                • "Hogwarts? we dont want any." *punt, picks up door as if it were open, SLAM*
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                  • "But... but... I'm not even 30 yet!"
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                    • I'm a [i]what?[/i]
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                      • Edited by Magical Robot: 7/21/2013 7:46:17 AM
                        Like this.... Duh! And I would be fricken pleased about it!
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                        • I follow him to a magical castle and apply then after a month of getting to know everybody and everybody gets used to my presence I convert them all.
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                        • Ask them for a refund
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                          • Considering that I am already 22 it can't be real. So I would react with applicable force to persuade the subject to vacate the premise, then go about filing an insurance claim to repair my door.
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                            • Wizard: "You're a wizard Harry! A wizard!" Me: "I'm not a wizard... -_-" Wizard: "Oh f.uck" Me "..." Wizard: "Well your a motherfu.cking wizard anyway, okay?" Me: "K." Wizard: "... Is that it?" Me: "What?" Wizard: "You're a wizard now, son. You can do whatever you like!" Me: "K." Wizard: "Are you not happy!?" Me: "Meh." Wizard: "Oh forget it" Me: "K." Wizard: "-_-" Me: "..." Wizard: "What the fu.ck is wrong with you?" Me: "Are you on crack?"
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                              • Edited by Lord Nocturne: 7/21/2013 7:05:00 AM
                                [i]"I know I am, mothafu­cka'."[/i] *casts a spell to turn him into an ant and steps on him*
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                                • Look at him like he's an idiot then offer him a ride to the nearest corrections facility.
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                                  • Edited by Beyond the Dork: 7/21/2013 7:25:01 AM
                                    I'd ask him if he means a Hogwarts wizard or an Istari wizard. Big difference.
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